Home
I know...I know...was supposed to be working on my elective project. *defensive* . Just a short one yah...:p
Well...my brain just won't cooperate with me. It's refusing anything to do with medicine..anything academic. Must be all the sun back in Malaysia...cooked my brain somehow...roasted or steamed..haha...isk..no laughing matter..this is getting ridiculous.
Tomorrow...Merdeka Day. I really wish I'm in Malaysia right now. I really miss Malaysian celebration...doesnt matter if it's Merdeka Day, Raya, Chinese New Year, Gawai etc...there's somthing about Malaysian celebration that makes you feel you want to celebrate everything even though you don't have anything to do with it.
Tonite...Malaysia will be celebating it's Independance day...I won't be reflecting on what Merdeka means for Malaysia and the people. I'm sure we all know what it means and what it does not mean. And for me, I am grateful and proud to be Malaysian. Shamefully, I admit there were times when I wished that I'm born somewhere else...I dunno what I was looking for back then. I went through a period of my life where I condemned everything about Malaysia...I still do that sometime...but hey...I'm just human, OK. I love my country, yes I do. I love it more than I did last time...I guess being away from home for so long...and when I went through the hard patch of my life..not having my family and more friends to support me, physically with me...I missed the familiarity and the comfort it has provided me for the first 20 years of my life. Now I really understand what this pepatah means "hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu dinegeri sendiri, baik lagi negeri sendiri" I used to laughed at this saying...quite silly really...why would you say hujan batu is better than hujan emas? I still dunno why...but I feel it. I know that this is true for me now. Whatever it is, whatever I don't like about my country, I still love it. Not saying that I would definitely go back to Malaysia and work and settle there...I still have not decide on that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Malaysia is my home. In my heart, I would always come home, no matter where I am. I am comfortable there, I am happy there, I feel safe there.
It's just like when you found something that you have been looking for...for so long. Just to find it right in front of you..it has been there..right under your nose for this whole time. And when you found it...it just fell onto your lap, like, it was always meant to be there all this time. You feel at home...where you belong.
I have found my home.
*I got two things on my mind when I say this :p*
Kepada semua rakyat Malaysia...di mana jua berada...Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan yang ke-48.
My miracle
Looks like I have found my miracle. There is hope after all...as hard as the wind blows, the flame grows brighter...shining the light onto this difficult path ahead. I want to walk this path...as I know I won't be alone...someone special is holding my hand...walking beside me...I feel safe. My angel, my love, my miracle...I know...he will always be there.
Candle in the wind
“My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night,
But ah my foes and oh my friends,
It gives a lovely light…” –roald dahl-
Yes…it does…it gives me a lovely light. Such a beautiful light, glowing nicely, it warms me deep in my heart. Although…I know it will not last the night, it is not meant to be forever…I have accepted it. It has ended the moment it began…yet I am still holding onto an invisible rope that hangs at the edge of the cliff.
Until that rope disappears, I’ll just hold on, praying for a miraculous escape. After that, when I can’t hold on to it anymore or if the rope tears on me, I’ll just fall…just like I did the last time. How hard I do not know, for I don’t know how real this is for me. I just know that whatever happens, he’ll be there for me. It doesn’t matter whether he’s with me picking up the pieces, or is just watching me from afar giving me silent wishes and encouragement…it doesn’t matter. This, I know is someone who really cares and I can feel it strongly in my heart. For that, I thank you.
Why oh why I asked The Almighty repeatedly…why this? Why give me something that is not meant for me..something that You’ll take back. …for these questions I asked of You…I am sorry I am after all is just human. I only ask when I am lost…and now I am. This ‘thing’…is still too new, fragile…like a baby. I don’t have the strength, nor the courage to nurture it. Time, distance and the important things/persons in our lives…are all against this. Those are things that we cannot change. If only time is on my side…I’d like to see where this path is leading me to….
“I do not ask to walk smooth paths,
Nor bear an easy load,
I pray for strength and fortitude,
To climb the rock-strewn road….” –Gail Brook Burket-
Alas, time is not mine to control. All I have now is his hands on mine…for just a little while. I am grateful for that. And when the time comes for us to let go, I’ll do it with a very heavy heart…knowing that I have lost an angel who has been watching me for all this years, without me knowing it.
The candle is still burning, although I can see it's getting smaller. Funnily enough, the light is getting brighter as it gets towards the end. Sadly, the wind is getting stronger as well...soon..the light will flicker and like it or not...it will die. This will die...I am sorry to say this...for love...feeds on hope. Hope is what I can't see between us.
I thank you for the light.
Stormy weather
Writing in the flight again. It’s 15 minutes pass 9pm.
Funny how the weather reflects my mood most of the time. It’s slightly stormy tonight, I can see the lightning so clearly outside the window, I always ask for the window seat for short flights such as this. I like watching the runway, as the plane goes faster and faster until it lifted off into the stormy sky. Scary, yet I felt strangely in tune with the weather. As if it’s talking to me.
“It’s stormy and scary, I know. But it’s part of nature, the plane will just have to pass through the stormy cloud. Most of the time, it will be fine. Don’t fret.”
My knee-jerk reaction has always been to say my prayers and imagine the worst thing that could happen. I wouldn’t write it down just now…it’s too scary to even to think about it now as I am still not safely on land.
Got to switch off my laptop, they are starting to serve dinner, I can smell airplane food miles away…hmm..let me rephrase that. I can smell any food from miles away…hehe. I wonder what are they serving tonite.
**********************************
I’ve just had dinner. They had options of fish with rice and chicken with noodle. I chose the latter, fish is never a good idea for plane food. I had food poisoning once due to plane food. It was two years ago when I came back from UK using MAS. They had options of beef with potatoes and salmon pasta. But when it was my turn, they had run out of beef..so I had no choice but to have the salmon pasta. I didn’t mind at all as I love salmon, but I’m never too keen on pasta. Pasta is always my last resort, if there are no other things to eat, then I’ll go for it.
Anyway, after a few hours of reaching Malaysia, I had the most awful tummy ache and my gut contents was pouring out of both ends of my alimentary system(isk..too much information here .I am sorry if anyone is eating when you’re reading this blog..just need to emphasize the seriousness of the situation…:p). I went to the clinic the next day, and the doctor suspected it was a food poisoning due to the fish because I hardly had anything else when I reached Malaysia that time. It went on for about 3 days, and I lost about 2.5 kg mostly due to the dehydration. I was secretly thrilled that I got the food poisoning because it was a speedy way to lost more than 2 kg in three days…haha…(although I am not hoping for another incident…it was horrible).
OK… back to the weather report..hehe. It looks like it’s calming down. Less lightning from where I see it. Just a few sparks of lightning in the distance every now and then. Maybe it is always like this, I don’t know. Maybe the storm is always just at the beginning, as the plane progresses further up in the sky, it will enter the calm zone. The place where it is always calm and peaceful. We don’t always know how the weather at the destination is. Although the modern technologies nowadays enable us to foresee the weather, it can always change. It can always be different from what we expected, it can be worse than we hoped for, but then, it can also be the best weather that we have ever encountered. We can only prepare and hope for the best.
Felt a kick on my seat. Darn. Those two brats sitting behind me are making so much noise they even make the noise from the plane engine sounds like whispers. More kicks..and another and another. What the ****? If I’m the mum of those two I’ll probably strap those tiny kicking feets and give them diazepam or something equal. Haha…evil thoughts. I wonder if I can keep my cool if my children acts like spoilt brats, especially in public. I’m never very good with children, especially toddlers. Little babies I can cope with for a couple of hours, I think…hehe..but toddlers…please oh please get them away from me. Unless they are the type of children that are nice and quiet clever ones..like Matilda in Roald Dahl’s book…hahha…I love that book. Read it a long time ago, now re-reading it (bought a new copy of it two days ago in MPH) dunno why. Missing my youth I suppose. A bit nostalgic. It has been a nostalgic week for me.
The plane is going to land pretty soon. I can feel the plane wobbling again. Hmm..not a good weather out there. Not so good…hmm…and those two brats are kicking my seat more furiously now. Keeping my cool, amazingly…I’m not having any palpitations yet..not clenching my teeth until my temporomandibular joints click like mad..like I always do when I'm stressed out. There goes the announcement.
*********************************
Safely landed, now at home. Everybody's sleeping, but my mind is working overtime as always. Checked my email...hmmm...hmmm...hmmmmmmmmmmm..........
Nah! there you go...a bite of honesty for me *Gulp*
See if I can swallow that.
Heart. Tummy. Butterflies. Flowers. Cliff. Rocky sea. Storm ahead. or is it behind me already?
*to jump or not to jump* *u jump, I jump* comes to mind. There's only one obvious easy choice.
Danger. Alert!Alert!
Damn, where's that memory wipe programme thingy?
Food of love
Went to Secret Recipe with a friend...been dying to go there since I got here. But Aunty is watching her sugar intake, so I didn't want to tempt her.
Marble Cheesecake for me....Chocolate Mudcake for you...yummm...yummmmmmm
Marble cheesecake from Secret Recipe. Cheesecake...yummm...one of my gulity pleasure. Utter bliss...heaven delicacy on earth...or is it pure sin?
hmmmm...hmmmm.....eyes closed...licking my lips....ehmmphh...a bit seductive....hmmmm..yummm...I don't care if other people is watching...hahaha...
"Mmmm....It's soooo good it must be sinful" quote from Desperate Housewives (huh? muahahaha... *wondering how on earth I've manage to remember that*)
Btw...I've read 'Food of Love" by Anthony Capella. Definitely recommended to all food lovers and the romantics at heart....deliciously seductive...LOL
(Kept this entry as draft for two days already..forgot to bring my USB cable for picture transfer from camera...not very good pictures...battery very weak..isk..)
Just thinking..of nothing
Thought I've learnt. I have not. My heart tried to take over despite its wound. My judgement failed me again..or is it just misunderstood by my heart's desire. Told myself over and over again...don't give in to your heart...the heart does not understand about life. It does not care what happens in reality, reality is something people turns to when the heart gives up what it most desires...LOVE. Why do we have the same image when we picture heart and love? I don't know...who created that symbol? (I should find that out..rajin pulak...heheh..too much time on my hand..that's why silly thoughts keep popping on my mind...*said a friend to me*).
I don't know where this thoughts of mine are going to. I guess this time I just want to write something..altho it doesn't really say much about what I'm feeling at the moment. I have let my guard down...too quickly...foolishly.
I guess being too hopeful in life IS a dangerous thing to do. That's all. It's like choosing where to stand on either extremes of how we look at life. Cynicism (on other extreme) and Fantasy-kinda-Optimism(the other end). With being realistic and hopeful in the middle of the line...it's hard for me to be stable in the middle of the line if the rope of life keep moving right and left, up and down (just imagine the tight-rope thingy in circus). I'd prefer to chose Fantasy-kinda-Optimism over cynicism...I still want to see the beautiful things in life. I still want to appreciate the sunset on the beach, although I know it will get dark soon after it sets, then it will be dangerous for me to get home, then some dodgy person might come up to me and try to kill me or anything..bla bla...So many horrible things could happen, but I don't care. I DON'T CARE.
My heart will do anything it wants. It will bleed until it get scarred for life. Make more mistakes, get more scars...until it gets exhausted and succumb to cruel fact of life...reality. Until then, I'll savor the pain...as long as my heart can feel something...as when when the heart succumbs to reality and stand on the cynical spot(where it is more stable), it will feel nothing...just numbness.
I am learning to feel. I am learning to listen. My heart says sorry, "I didn't mean to make miniME to feel like this". Emotional was not under control, confusion sets in and mind goes.."what the heck...lets get it done and over with, she's gonna get hurt anyway,damage is done..."
My deepest and utmost apologies.
It's just a little mistake. But I thank God that it happened to me...He showed me that there will always be another.
I'll sleep. And tomorrrow will just be another ordinary day.
Plate of thoughts...choking!! choking!!!
Had so many thoughts for the last few days. Blog it or not to? My fear is if I put it into words it will not reflect what I actually feel. "Words..don't come easy to me.." from one of my favourite song.
Things that are on my mind:
1. My elective project..have not even started reading the journals yet...let alone preparing spreadsheet for my supervisor to look at. Waaarggghhh!! when will I ever learn not to procastinate???
2. My dear Canon Powershot A70. Dropped it few weeks back. Went to Canon Centre in KL to repair it, the quotation was RM445!!!! Whaa???!!!! So I took it back...maybe will give it to my brother/parents...wait till extra money miraculously appear, then send it for repair. My sis generously offered her camera which is originally bought for mama n papa, but they said they don't really need it at the moment and offered it to me. I selfishly agreed and took it. Hmmm...bad daughter/sister. I am feeling guilty at the moment, and hoping that my parent really do not need the camera. Because I really need them, for my self-discovering mission..haha...
3. My life seems to be leading me to a possibly very difficult path. Still in early days, not too late to turn back, but I am curious to see how it will turn out. Unsurprisingly, I doubt my own sincerity (my life is full of doubts..esp lately). A friend advised me to learn to listen to my own doubts...i'm trying my best to do so. But as Victoria Beckham sang (hehehe..Mrs Beckham can sing???...i'm being mean of course..she's one determine lady tho..hehheh)
"My heart has a mind of its own..." Heart has a funny way of playing with life. It speaks its own words...we can't understand it..but foolishly we obey them..we just follow them wherever it leads us. Before we know it...we have become our own slave..to please our heart. The mind (esp the logical ones) will be ranting and cursing us all throughout the ordeal..."silly girl...why can't you see how wrong this is??..bla bla bla....". But do we listen???? mostly NO. We don't. Then we got hurt, our heart got hurt..it cries, it bleeds. But the mind (like most parents)..would maybe initially say "I told you so"..but then will whisper to the heart.."shhhh..it's ok...you're going to be fine..it will pass..so on and so on" The mind will usually nurse the heart until it heals. It will do most of the thinking for us before the heart comes back to its feet(if it has any..haha..lame lame..tsk tsk)..and take over from the mind again. The cycle goes on. The dangerous thing that always happen is the when the heart tries to take over when it is not fully healed yet. We got fooled into thinking that we are finally doing fine, and are all ready to take the next step. It's like trying to walk with broken leg. But then, how will we know if we are ready to walk if we don't take the first step? Curious..curious..."Curiosity kills the cat,but it won't kill me" (quoting from a friend). Do I have anything to lose? Yes..I suppose I have. Something that I have just discovered, and have yet to enjoy and cherish. Taking a risk is when you are willing to lose something in return. Can I afford to lose this..I don't think so. I wouldn't want to.
4. ????
5. ????
6. ????
Other things on my mind but suddenly I feel tired. A lot more to write, but writing it in this state of mind (hazy and full of confusion) will not do it justice. Like I said, the heart speaks in its own words. My mind need to work extra hard in order to understand my heart. Isk..I'm not making any sense anymore..getting more corny by the minutes...better stop writing now before someone turns green (sick).
Go sleeeeepp...sleeeepp...
Sekolahku syurgaku
Writing in the flight, will copy it to post later. Although I just had 2 hours worth of sleep, my eyes just wont cooperate with me. Shouldn’t have had the nasi lemak and coffee. my tummy is feeling a bit weird at the moment. Woke up at 4.30 am, my flight was schedule for 6.30 am, stayed up until 2 this morning, chatting with a very dear friend.
Sigh...missing the good old days in high school. Everything seems so simple and straight forward. Well, for me at least. I had almost everything an average student could have asked for. I was a prefect, a librarian, in the school magazine committee, and in the school radio committee (started by my own class teacher). I tried my hands on everything I dared to try…public speaking (syarahan and debate), berbalas pantun (haha), nasyid, scrabble competition, essay writing competition, school play (played Mahsuri’s mother hehe…:p) and I think I did a few things more I could’t think of at the moment. I joined the Scout, tried my luck in archery(not very good at it though)..I was not blessed in the sports section(being the
minime hehehe, but I was quite good in martial arts. Tried Karate for a few months, but decided on Taekwondo instead. Did Taekwondo for a good 6 years (primary 3 until form 3). Represented my club in a few tournaments, but that was in primary school and lower secondary. I am still very proud of my martial arts skill, I seem to have a knack for it…hehe..maybe I’ll continue it sometime in the future. Well, I did 2 years of Karate in uni during my first two years…but studying medicine, I feel that it drained me off a lot of things. Can’t seem to think of anything else other than medicine..hmmpphh..
Anyway, in upper secondary, I got too many things on my plate, and then I decided to drop a few things to concentrate on my studies. I was very fortunate that my parents can afford to send me to tuition class. I went to Add Maths, Chemistry and Physic tuition class, plus my brilliant teachers in school, I had no problem with those three subjects in SPM. I am very thankful for that.
Oopps…the head steward just announced that the flight is going to land soon. Gotta switch the laptop off. Looked out the window….the whole palm oil plantation looks hazy..jerebu very bad in Selangor it seems…IPU about 300-400…the smoky smell is already hovering in the flight cabin…isk..not a good sign. Will write again soon
Shop!shop!shop!shop!
Today I bought a black hooder, a pink shirt, a belt and a cute pink pair of sneakers...unintentionally. I was supposed to
only accompany my sister to the bank, and for some mysterious reason we ended up in the shopping mall...hmmm...really weird...My sister and I, a dangerous combo. Bad influence on each other, although today I was the worst. She managed to stop herself from buying not more than a pair of sneaker and a belt (only because her credit card didn't get through and she was out of cash). If her credit card does its job today, I could only imagine the worst..hehe...
Isk..couldn't help myself, I keep converting RM to pound sterling..Why do I keep doing that? I don't understand. Everytime I see the pricetag, my brain would automatically convert it to pound..then, you know what comes next...
"
EEiii!!! Murahnye!!! (kene beli ni..)" Help!! is that normal??? How do I stop it? I'm gonna do a BIG damage to my bank balance if I keep doing this...but then again...who cares? (sian mama...I'm such a bad daughter...nanti ye....doakan miniMe dpt kerja nanti..then I'll repair the damage..isk...)
List of things I've bought so far (in less than a month!!!!)
1. A pair of green sandals
2. A pair of brown shoes
3. A pair of pink sneakers
4. A pink dress (dunno what I was thinking)
5. A pink kimono-style blouse
6. A pink shirt (what??pink lagi??)
7. 2 baby-T (black and blue)
8. A black hooder
9. 2 handbags (1 pink and another is white/beige)
10.
A laptop + webcam + mic/headset (dug the largest hole in my bank account..hehe)
11. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince book (haven't finish reading it yet)
12. A purple-rimmed glasses
13. 3 pairs of contact lenses
14. 3 pairs of jeans (light blue, black, washed-out black/grey)
15. 3 pairs of trousers (white, dark green, beige)
16. A belt
17. 2 dangly earrings
18. A light-brown flowery necklace
19. 2 skirts (brown and green)
20. Not to mention the manic-type shopping spree in Guardian and Watson!!! (I'm too ashamed of myself to list the things down..waargghh..macam orang baru keluar dari gua!!)
What?? (And what's with all the pink stuffs? DID NOT intentionally look for pink items! just to be clear on that :))
*slap* *slap* OMG!!! Did I really bought all that? Didn't realise how much until I listed it here. And here I thought I'd go shopping(again) with my friend WS in KL next week. Fat chance..I'm so broke. I'm just gonna go to KL, meet my friends, go to the wedding, see my one and only niece(mama's side), and try to restrain myself from going to the mall (and do some serious damage to my credit card bills). Waaarrghh!! I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that..hehe...I just don't know where has my sensible head gone to since the last few months.
No more sensible miniMe...just the
whatever-miniMe.
I like the new miniMe.
A trip down memory lane
These are some of the pictures I took last year in Inverness. Spent a few days there during my short summer break.
Inverness is truly a beautiful place, I wouldn't mind spending my whole life living in such a place. The lake, famous for its cute 'little monster', Nessie, is stretched as far as my eyes could see. With the mountain as its backdrop, it is just a perfect picture of God's creation at its best. My words and pictures I took couldn't do it justice.
Dunno why I thought of digging these old pictures. Found it in my old laptop, managed to rescue it before my uncle gave my old laptop the full works. My time spent in Inverness is very precious to me, one of a few episodes of my life in UK that is worth keeping in memory.
When I took this picture, I didn't realise there is a couple on the balcony. I dunno why, but for me, this picture is just perfect. It has got the scenery (the sky, mountain, lake and the castle) and also the romance. It's the union of nature and love (whatever kind of love) that had the impact on me. I wish I know what's the story between them, but maybe it is best for me not to know. Most probably I won't like the true story, I'll just make up my own. It's more special that way. Reality will take away the wonderful feeling that I have everytime I look at this picture.
Reality sucks...
Mirror mirror on the wall
I went to KFC 2 days ago. Ordered a Zinger burger meal. The person who's taking the order asked me, "
Kakak nak sit in ke take away?" Erk...whhaa?? Rewind balik...Kakak?
Moi? Huh? I glanced over my shoulder in case there's someone worthy of the title kakak standing behind me. There's only a guy in his mid-20s looking very impatient, lapar sangat kot. I watched the girl's face, looks like she's in her mid-20s as well, more or less my age. WHy? WHy call me kakak?
After lunch, I quickly went home and sat in front of my mirror, any wrinkles? mm..maybe around my eyes, my eyebags are HUGE!!! warrgghh!! too much crying, lack of sleep, wayy too much time spent staring at the computer screen..heheh...
Maybe she's right...I do look old, maybe I need to put more makeup? isk..noo....no....why do I mind so much? do I? I never used to mind about getting old and showing it (maybe because I always looked the youngest among my friends..yay!), well...can't stop it. Maybe will stock-up anti-ageing cream for the next 50 years...hahah...one can only try...I won't give up without fighting.
What about ageing gracefully? is there such a thing? I personally don't think so. We have to work at it...take care of yourself, good diet, exercise, enough water, if you want to do extra, take
jamu or whatever supplements that are available on the counter. Of course beauty comes from within, have good thoughts, be nice to people, watch your temper, be patient, less sceptical etc. Not so easy eh? with studies/work/relationship /world crisis wherever we go, how can one keep ones' inner beauty? I guess we'll just have to do our best..if desperate(not being judgemental here), there's so many things available if u'r willing to try (and if you got the money); Botox, VitC injection(?), cosmetic surgery, laser treatments etc...you name it, they've got it. Why not? Why not spend your money on yourselves once in a while? I know, I know, easier said than done, I've got no responsibilities yet. I dunno, I'll know when my time comes. Can't say too much yet.
People say I'm a late bloomer. At 23 I have just only started experimenting on clothes, makeups, accessories, all the girlie thingys...oh well..better late then never i guess. Identity crisis? maybe...it takes one big nudge in my life to start all the little things that will make me a somebody later in life.
****
Distracted by my MSN and YM, can't remember what I was gonna write just now...should I save as draft and continue tomorrow? nahh..I'll just post it, it wont be the same as writing what I'm thinking at the very moment. I got the sniffles *sniff sniff* , breathing thru my mouth like goldfish (not that they 'breathe' thru their mouth..hehe) . A bit groggy, maybe from all the panadols I'm taking, then again, I did went to sleep at 4 am yesterday (went out with frens for coffee..coffee=insomnia and toilet every 5 minutes). I can't produce a decent sentence at the moment...I need to lie down and sleep.
****
Haven't even read my Harry Potter book, bought it 2 days ago. It's still in the shopping bag. Usually I'll be up all nite reading it once I get my hands on it. What is the matter with me? I'm really feeling old at the moment.
