Then...life happened...
Hello me!! Hello world!!
I miss you...miss talking to myself...really I do...
The last time I blogged I was pretty excited about going to Aizat & Faizal Tahir concert, I was equally excited to blog about it afterwards...honestly i was! The concert was good...i sang along...really sang on top of my voice, my husband did too...although I wasn't really familiar with Faizal Tahir song. We had a lot of fun :)) I wish I knew more of their songs tho...
Life got more interesting since that night..lets see....
First...
I found out I got pregnant...yippeee...so excited and scared at the same time. We were really really excited..I guess I got overexcited more about getting a bump than anything else..I got myself a lovely maternity dress that very 1st week of finding out about the pregnancy. yea yea I know I wouldn't be showing until after 4-5 months. Anyway it was a wonderful feeling, thinking of how it would be...a lot of thoughts in my head at the time. Was not fond of the constant nausea and puking with the slightess smell of food esp onion...blueekkk... MEGA appetite I tell you I was eating for the whole football team :p
I was happy anyway :)
Then...about 5 weeks ago...
My sister had her baby!!! My first niece!! and I was there to witness the birth! It was the longest 24 hours ever....but really worth it. She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen...not only because I am the beautiful aunt...hehe...but really she sooooooo pretty and cute and adorable... I cried when the baby 1st cried..I was so lucky to be able to be there. My sister is a hero!!! All mums are hero....seriously. The whole process was really beautiful and painful at the same time....hehe. My BIL was there too and he was a happy daddy...couldn't stop smiling...such a beautiful family...
I miss my niece so much....I hope deep down she remembers me being there when she 1st open her beautiful eyes...
So far...good news eh...
Then...
I had my 1st scan with an obgyn. I was excited and also funny enough I was really really nervous and scared before that..I couldn't help thinking what if something's wrong with the baby. What if...
Do you know when you're so scared something bad would happen...then you kinda talk yourself out of the bad feeling and convinced yourself that everything is going to be fine....only to find out it's not fine at all? That your nightmare is coming true?
It was a missed miscarriage. The obgyn couldnt find a heartbeat and it looked like the pregnancy stopped at about 6 weeks...I was supposed to be 9 weeks at the time. The obgyn thought it might be a miscalculation and scheduled for a repeat scan the next week. But being in the medic world myself I knew it was a non viable pregnancy...I knew my nausea kinda stopped a few weeks ago...I told myself it was the new colostrum milk I had been drinking that stopped the morning sickness...
To cut story short...
I had misoprostol..a medication to get rid of the pregnancy. It was non viable and I could get infection if it's left too long in the uterus. Let me tell you it was the most intense crazy pain I've ever felt...I was on the verge of overdosing myself with pain medication by the end of the process which took about a week. I won't get into it...it was messy and traumatic for me. I had to go to the obgyn to help me...in short...instruments were involved.
Definitely physically and emotionally scarring...
I thought I should blog about it in more detail cos I know I would probably have selective memory about this and not ever remember it happening at all one day. I couldn't go into details here...really too messy...
Not that I don't want to remember about everything...I will always remember my unborn baby...I know it was not even a fetus then...but he was my baby. In my mind he was a boy..don't know why...I felt he was a boy. We didn't really mind if we get a boy or girl...but just a crazy maternal feeling I felt he was a boy who was gonna protect his parents and his little sister/brother...
Anyway, we were devastated...but life still goes on.
Mine feels static.
I am still at home...waiting for SPA to call me for interview. I haven't been practising for 5 months!!! Hopefulll my brain has not atrophied since then. Pleaseee not yet...
I feel:
1. Sad about my loss
2. Bored sometimes at home for lack of responsibility
3. Happy about all other blessings I have in my life :)))
Life is full of surprises isn't it?
It's a musical day
Today, my simple aim is to listen to Aizat and Faizal Tahir's songs. Simple enough?
Maybe too simple and easy...make it "to memorise Aizat and Faizal Tahir's songs"? eheheee...dumdidumdidum
Apa mimpi?
Actually I'll be going to Konsert Satu Suara-Aizat & Faizal Tahir!!! Weee!!! Never a fan and never even heard of Aizat or Faizal Tahir until the recent Anugerah Juara Lagu early on this year. I find myself getting excited and surfing youtube listening to their songs. Not so in love with Faizal Tahir...he's too MJ for my taste...heeheee... He's got that 'I'm-so-in-love-with-myself' look....heyyy so judgemental eh....*maybe will change my mind after the concert...who knows?*
Definitely in love with this cutie's angelic voice - Aizat *melts my heart :)* That song Pergi and Kau Aku is definitely on top of my list. Kau Aku is such an addictive song I find myself listening to it over and over again ----> *and singing along on top of my voice..heheee...pray the next door neighbour is being more productive than me and is actually at work*
Siti Nurhaliza is apparently will also be making an apperance...I couldn't bothered to try and listen to her new songs cos they are too complicated and weird for my taste...same goes for her sense of fashion...teeeheeee.... I like her old songs tho, so much nicer and easy on the ears.
So now....what do I wear for the concert? I've never been to Istana Budaya, never been to any Malaysian concert ever. Skirt? dress? jeans and T-shirt?
I've been to Keane and Katie Melua's concerts, both held in Aberdeen when I was an FY1...that was awesome!!! I was already in love with Keane's songs... I was standing within arms length with Tom Chaplin, Aboy (my sort of adopted bro and also Keane's crazeee fan) and I were singing and screaming our voice out, so hyped up and excited we could get so close to them. Katie Melua's was really nice too, very soothing and her voice is just so beautiful...as she is. Aboy who was also in love with Katie Melua (and also Katie Holmes) at that time was also there...gazing at his unreachable dream girl...heheee...
Another concert I've been to was Elton John's in Singapore about 1-2 years ago *yeaahh!! Rathi (one of the MO) and I stood up and shook our booty, even though our consultant and registrar were there too...teeeheeeheee* Elton rocks!! He's amazing! I don't care if he swings the other way...he is definitely one of the greatest musician around.
I'm so hyped up now...I love live music!!
*listening to Bennie and The Jets*....B B B B B Bennie and the jetssssssss....(btw love Bennie and the Jets crazy dance scene in 27 dresses)
What do I do now?
I have to confess, I MISS WORK!!
I miss my routine morning coffee.
I miss the green scrubs.
I miss my stethoscope.
I miss the needles
I miss juicy fat veins
I miss the smell of alcohol rub...hmm...
I miss the beeping of the monitors
I miss the adrenaline rush whenever I hear the trauma calls
I miss signing off the prescription chart
I miss hearing patients/relatives saying thank you doc
I miss nice nurses and doctors
What I don't miss...
I don't miss ward rounds at all
I don't miss the bleeps
I don't miss not being able to sleep when I want to
I don't miss certifying death
I don't miss breaking bad news
I don't miss nightmare patients/relatives
I don't miss poking patient's eyes with green needles
I just miss being myself. It is difficult to identify myself without a job...it is quite ironic as I've been saying that it is just a job...which it still is...I just didn't quite realise how much I depend on it...(financially..goes without saying), but also for my own sanity and confidence. I definitiely do not want to be one of those people who breathes and lives because of their job...the only thing is I'm not sure if it possible to have a balanced lifestyle working here in Malaysia as a doctor. Maybe as a consultant or reg...but I have yet to hear a good word from any of my doctor friends here. LOADS of horror stories...yes...never a good word. Call me chicken, lembik whatever....but I am a person who cannot stand being bullied(not anymore) and I wish to love my job, not hate it to death. I either will shout back or cry if I'm shouted at (and apparently we are supposed to just stay as quiet as a mouse or only say you're sorry for whatever reason you're being shouted at). 8 months of that in Singapore and that was enough to send me packing to New Zealand.
I don't know if I can do that again...
*Life is just too short to be unhappy*
Sad sad piggy
Went to Maybank to activate my account which has been dormant for more than a year...truth to be told, I have been trying to close the account a few times but stopped by mum cos she thought I will need that account in the future.
Well, turns out she is right, I've been using HSBC account, very useful for overseas purpose, transferring money etc. Now that I'm back in Malaysia, I find that HSBC ATM machines is not as accessible as the local banks. So much for their slogan '
the world's local bank'...not as local as I thought..nevertheless it has been useful and I intend to keep it...just in case...teeheeheee...*?london?paris?new york?sydney?* the wonderer in me is still ALIVE!!! muahhahahaa!!
Anyway, went to KL central Maybank 2 days ago and activated the account. I still have RM 117.42 in the account...yeaaayyy...I wonder how long that will last...ahaha
Had a long stroll in Midvalley...reaaalllyy lonnnggg stroll...maybe about 4-5 hours..killing time while waiting for my darling to finish work. In the meantime killing my piggy bank as well (baju *check*, book *check*, lovely lace stuff *check*, coffee *check*, photo albums-not yet)...tsk tsk tsk...*haii...need to start working stat!...or else...*
It's Friday!!! lurve Friday cos tomorrow is Saturday :) tralalalaaaaa
Babble babble
How time flies!! I intended to write about my wedding preparation, sort of a wedding diary ..whatever...bridezilla took over and I'm still hazy about what happened a month ago...hmmm..
29 days ago I got married. I still have to think about my status when referring him as my husband :p I feel goosebumps allover...the good ones :) I have not started work yet, haven't even look for one yet...therefore now I'm a housewife...hehe
Starting everyday with breakfast with my sweetheart is such a nice feeling...doesn't last long cos he'll be off to work. I'm left home trying to think of ways to be useful as a housewife...gosh..this is harder than I thought, to be left alone with my own thoughts. No patients to think about, nobody to prick and prod, no notes to write, no one to gossip about...
I love the kitchen stuff...but not so in love with the laundry and vacuum cleaner...hmmmphh
I'm so not a housebound girl...
Not easy. I'd rather be cutting people up and sewing them back together...blegh
Or I could learn to write properly and give JK Rowling a run for her money..teeheee
*just wait and see*
Pre-wedding post 1
Welcome back me :) back from beautiful and lush windy New Zealand...back to beautiful and lush sunny Malaysia...
No writing for more than a year, I have so much to write I don't even know where to begin. For the past 3-4 years I have been living a nomadic life I can't even remember what I've done, faces I saw, places I've been...I never wanted to miss anything or anyone that I have left behind, so I tried not to get attached to anything or anyone. I said my goodbyes and that's it....that's the end of the adventure, and if our paths cross again one day...that'll be nice. If not...it's nice knowing you...we had nice memories and that's how it's gonna stay.
Now as like last year...I'm back to the only constant factor in my life...my own sweet home in little town in Sarawak. In my own little room which my parents has renovated for me and my new life. and back to my blog...which is always there when I come home.
Did I not mention I'm getting married? me...getting married :) I have been blessed in my life with all the opportunities to meet all the nicest people (and not so nice people :p) all over...and finally I found my soulmate. And he's my hometown boy...so mum is ecstatic..hehe...didn't I tell you I have been blessed? and so lucky to meet this wonderful man. Maybe another time...I will write more about him...for now I want to keep him all to myself...hehe
I really should be blogging more about what I've done....and where I've been. it's more for my sake, my memories have been failing me a lot...I can't keep up with my own life. I'm sure I've done a lot of things...I just can't recall them...hmmm....I should take more notice on things that's going on around me.
I already back to Malaysia for 3 days...and still recovering from some annoying viral illness that's bugging me for more that a week. Where did I get this bug? I ahve no idea... when my parents came over to New Zealand we were everywhere, in all kind of weather that NZ can throw at us...wind, rain, sun u name it...a bit of snow from afar....I fell sick after my parents left, I got back to work for another couple of days before flying back to Malaysia. Mind you a got a few bug bites in NZ while cleaning my house...I just hope Aedes don't breed in NZ..hmmm....
Need to get better to get on with the wedding plan. It's time to get things together and see it happening....teeheee....I'm a nervous bride...not bridezilla yet...but I haven't even started. God helps us when I turn into the green bridezilla...lets pray I don't come to that...hehe...
Got a few weddings to go to before my own...2 weddings next week and another one a week after that. I love weddings :) I especially love seeing the wedding dress and how the groom looks at the bride...hehe...mushy at heart eh...love is the greatest feeling of all afterall.
For me..I'm nervous and ecstatically happy, excited and anxious, hopeful and praying everything will be alright. All the mixed feelings...sometime it's easier to concentrate on just the wedding and not the marriage. Wedding jitters? don't we all get it? hehee...the wonderful thing is everytime I feel that way...I just look at the ring on my finger and think no matter how things go...things will be alright cos I know I'm with my partner in life. Life is more beautiful when shared with the people you love isn't it?
I'm turning into mush, I think I better go have my shower and get ready to go out. We're going for dim sum yay! there goes my wedding diet :p
Love letters
It's spring cleaning today...well..for my room. I've got so much stuff in the room I don't know what to do with them. Getting things out from boxes full of stuff from childhood, teenage years...ahh....the years I can never call my own again. I found stacks of letters from primary school untili my pre-university years.
I was such a silly girl..I started getting love letters when I was in primary four or five I think. Hehe...I still got them my goodness...I read some of them today. Such innocent and sweet things these future cassanovas used to write when they were little....butter wouldn't have melted in their mouth. Handmade cards...very nice and creative. I wonder if kids these days still use their hands and brain other than for computers and books and studying.
Then there are letters from my dear friends...in secondary school, then pre-uni...I surprised my self, I forgot how many friends I had then...how close I was to them and how friendship used to be so simple without any agenda. How did we grow so far apart, life slowly took us away from each other. Decision we took somehow lead us to different places...and by God how different it is. Didn't realise how we can become strangers...we didn't even say goodbye as friends. From friends...to just someone I used to know. I know I didn't try hard enough to keep my friends. After pre-uni, I left the country, had a totally different life and I know I changed 180 degrees. Well, I used to be nicer.
My perspective in life is marred by cumulative bad experiences...mine and others. I didn't realise how I've turned into this cynical little woman but yet still have this hope that I will eventually be content with what life have given me.
For now....I'll just keep going until something stops me.
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Throwing these stuff is the hardest. I couldn't bring myself to do it...so I just kept them in the boxes. Letters, cards, photos, notes, diaries...u name it, I have them..from priamry school until now. I manage to throw scraps of papers, some receipts from purchases I made donkey years ago, movie tickets ( literally have to force myself to do it...), old magazines and journals ( I saved more than half of them)...it's like throwing away pieces of my past...but it's not that easy and I'm not so sure that's what I want to do now.
*Listening to 'Everybody's Changing' while writing this*
