In my own bed
Three years ago, I was introduced to the blogworld by a dear dear friend, KM. It was during my darkest time. I was young and had always thought that if I am good, life will treat me good as well. And then, I was welcomed to the real cruel heartless world, emotionally beaten and betrayed...I had a hard time making sense of a lot of things. Like any normal girl who just got heartbroken for the first time, I thought nobody else could understand what I was going through. So, KM put her laptop in front of me and persuaded me to read some blogs, written by her friends and from there I started blog-hopping. I thought it's quite nice to have these kind of outlets just to vent off your feelings and share your experience with friends and even total strangers. And it feels good to know that there are other people who are on the same boat as you...and to know that they pulled through whatever deep shit they were in.
So I started blogging. On and off depending on how happy or how miserable I feel....hehe..well I am human and allowed all this mixed feelings yeah..
Now. I don't write as often as I'd like to. Well...you won't see my entry updated everyday, every month of the year... but once in a while I'll have things I have to get out of my chest and for me writing it down seems to help in some way.
Anyone who has read my previous entries will agree with me on this one...I AM A SUCKER when it comes to relationship! For the past 6 years I had four relationships and I have failed all of them. I have learnt some things from each one...but there are some mistakes that I tend to repeat over and over again. I've got some self-evaluation to do...and I think now is a good time as any. I have to remain alone and single for a while to find myself...I tend to get lost when I am in any relationship with anyone. That's normal I guess, we always choose to be with people who make us feel better about ourselves, oblivious to anykind of fault.
Believing the best of people and their potential is my biggest weakness. I don't have any prejudice towards anyone, I trust people too easily and blindly a lot of the time...to my own detriment. Not fully knowing the person, I created my own picture of the person I want to be with, build him up in my mind, I fell in love with my own creation. I was blinded to the real person inside, therefore repeatedly become the victim of my own optimism.
Foolishly I am still optimist...although I keep telling myself to grow up and get real.
Now, please...this heart of mine...be wise, be strong.******************************************************************I started writing this entry with the intention of giving myself reasons to go public with my innermost thought. Petty or superficial it may seem sometime, I don't care. It's my blog, my thought, my crap. I kinda went off path it seems...
akhh well....I closed another chapter of my life today. One relationship ended, left one job, made many friends and left them behind. I brought with me only memories...bitter and sweet...embraced them all the same. I have lived 8 months of a different kind of experience that I doubt I'll ever live again.
Now I'm back home. The whole 8 months that has just passed felt like a dream now. Now that I'm lying down in my own bed, in my own bedroom that has always been mine since childhood, I felt all the innocence and hope once again. I'm still grieving for the lost, unreturned love, but I'm optimist that with time I will be fine and happy.
So, now while listening to Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat...I am healing...and counting my blessings.I love my room!!!!
Good pain, bad pain
"In life there is no intermission people!!!"I was just quoting from 'Friends' when Chandler was left alone watching a one-woman play about a bitter old woman.
Don't you wish sometime we have intermission in life?
Well, sometime I do. Especially when it comes the time when I go all crazy and needy, and I can't stop myself from doing the things that I know will regret. Soon enough, I get hurt, feeling miserable and depressed. Then, I wish the world will just come to a halt and let me heal myself. But it doesn't. Other people lives go on, they moved on and left me behind, struggling to get back on my feet.
I can be the biggest idiot in the world.
I hope I won't end up a bitter old woman...
*Slap own face*Pain feels good now....****************************************************************
On other note, I went for a Swedish massage the other day. I got a voucher for a free Swedish massage from the credit card company, and it sounds quite appealing. 45 minutes of Swedish back massage and back scrub with aromatherapy steam bath..for free...sounds good to me.
Well, it wasn't that great. The masseur is a middle-age Chinese lady who hardly speaks English. I was secretly hoping it'll be a Swedish massage from a Swedish person :p ...yeah right...Anyway, she started the massage, asking me if I want the pressure to be soft, medium or hard. Well...this is just my second massage and I had quite a good but insanely painful massage from a Balinese lady. So played it safe and asked for a medium pressure.
It felt like she's just tickling me. So I asked for a hard massage. Frankly I was a bit dissappointed. It was a nice massage but not great. If it's good I would be making weird noises and I would go home feeling satisfied....hehe :p
My first massage on the other hand was great. It was back home in this nice little Balinese-style spa run by 3 very nice Balinese ladies. They used to work in Bali and they know their stuff. I had a Balinese back massage and it was so painfully good I almost cried...hehe. I came back the next day for a herbal steam bath and Balinese-style body scrub with Bali coffee...hmmm...very veryyyy nice smelling that I wanted to eat my own arm after that. It is so good I'm not kidding, I'm definitely going back.
I want another massage!!!
Stupid fruit lady
Well...did I say I'm going to the market to buy fruits?
Yes, I went to the market, to the place I usually went to. Unfortunately the fruit guy who knew me wasn't there today. Not that I'll get any special discount or anything fancy like that ( well...this is Singapore....every cents matters...), but at least I'll get a decent service. Anyway, it's one of the lady there...I was looking for a nice ripe dragonfruit. I barely touched the fruit when she snapped at me
Snappy fruit lady: Don't press press the fruit!!Me: Err...ok, sorry.Snappy lady continued to unpack fruits. I took one dragonfruit from the bottom pile which I wanted to buy. She snapped again...
Snappy fruit lady: Can you take from the top pile because everything will fall if you pick from the bottom!I look at her with disbelief...
Me: So, now I can't even choose which one I want?Snappy fruit lady: Yes you can...*sulk sulk*Me: Do you have papaya?Snappy lady: Yes, but it's in the box. She turned her back and continued unpacking her stupid mangosteen...
I put down the dragonfruit and left....
WHAT THE ****???!!?
How to live the day for dummies
Going through a day step by step.
Step 1
- Wake up and tell myself repeatedly it's going to be a good day.
- Drill it into my head and promise myself to treat ME well...
- Have some integrity and pride...respect myself more, and don't expect other people to do the same if I don't
- Stop pitying self and pick myself up
- Stop myself from putting to much trust in people
- Put on some music and sing!!!
Well...that's a lot to think about in the morning already.Step 2
- Have a nice long hot shower
- Look self in the mirror and DON'T SQUEEZE THAT ANNOYING HUGE PIMPLE!!!
- Beutify self
- Go downstairs and have coffee
Now...I want some fruitsStep 3
- Go to the market and buy some fruits!
Be right back!!!
At lost
The easiest way to lose something is to want it so badly.I have nothing else to say...
Being a silly girl
I know when I start blogging it means that I'm in self-pity mode.
Oooppss I did it again...
I fell in love and took an impossible path. I had foreseen this heartbreak and tears and there i went...I still did it anyway.
Now, it happened....the tears, the heartbreak..the ice cream, the chocolate....the works. It's funny how much you think you're prepared for this, when it actually happens, nothing...i mean NOTHING can prepare you for a break-up. The pain is still as bad as the first break up ever in your life.
I'm gonna try not to dwell. bla bla bla...I'm sad, it's over...I'm alone again..yada yada yada...same old story, now to write yet another chapter of my life.
My new life will not be in this cruel life-sucking country. If everything goes well I'll be making friends with sheeps in the land of plenty....yay!!
In a few days I'll be sitting for an English exam (ya..I know...sad...) and please please I'll pass and ace it and then hopefull by next 1-2 months I'll be jumping bridges, counting sheeps and doing the things I'm supposed to do..saving lives ^_^.
Tsk tsk...I'm supposed to be studying for this test..the problem is I don't know how to study anymore. How are you
suppose to study for English? I'm sort of doing it now...I suppose...aarrrgghh...I hate grammar...or is it grammer? :p
Damn, I feel so lost...
I'll write again...soon.
