SIZE4

Why blog?

Why did I decided to start blogging? Why would I want other people to know my innermost thoughts, my joy, anger, humiliation and pain?

I was a very private person (still am in some way), I never reveal to other people what I think, I don't like people to know what I'm thinking because I feel that they would know my weakness and I don't like to be perceived as vulnerable and weak. I don't want people to know what is happening with me or what had happened to me because I don't like people analyzing my life.

I feel that the recent 4 years of my life was unknown to a lot of my family/friends. Those are the years that I've been hiding from people. I made the most mistakes, I cried more in those 4 years than I've ever cried in my whole life put together. But during that time I also learnt the most about love, trust, and myself. I wish I can say that I learnt about boys/men/women, but I don't think I can ever understand them. Geez, I don't even understand myself.

So, when I got the big D(dumped!) I felt lonely. I felt that my life went by unnoticed.
I wake up, go to wards/clinic/library. Meet some people, say hi, chit-chat a bit, then byebye.
Go home, have dinner, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in student hall, so I didn't have any close housemates. I've a got a few close friends, and 2 of them I called almost everyday, and another one I saw almost everyday(u know who you are, thank you v. much NIMO,WS and KM! hehe). I know I've got a very supporting family and friends, but I couldn't help feeling that something/someone is amiss. There's so many things that I wanted to tell and share, but I couldn't dump it all on my friends, they've got their own life too.

Then, a very dear friend(love you KM!) suggested that I should start reading blogs. Just to forget my own problems for a while, to know about other people's lives, how strong they are, how funny life can be. I was sceptical at first as I didn't really like the idea of telling the world about your life/private/innermost thoughts. I thought it's only for people who like the limelights, mencapub (mencari publisiti) kata orang...hehe(sorry!!somebody ketuk my kepala!..). I just brushed the idea aside for a few days, till KM sat me down and put her laptop in front of me. She opened a few blogs and let me read it. After a reading a few entries, I was hooked! I had no idea people (who are not journalist/writer) can write so well, and it never fails to amaze me how similar my life is to some people. Luckily I didn't have my own internet connection in my room at that time or else, I would probably be in UK just now doing my re-sit.

KM suggested that I should blog, just to vent out my feelings and thoughts at that time. I was really down, crying all the time, and to top it all my most important exam was just about a month away. I didn't have the luxury of time to nurse my broken heart, I needed an outlet to express my frustration. I let it out on a few friends, but I can't keep dumping my frustration on them all the time. I toyed with the idea of blogging for a few days, I wasn't confident about putting my feelings in writing because I fear it would come out as a joke, too corny, too planned if you know what I mean. I did edit my first few entries like hundreds times(just to exaggerate), because I kept rereading it, finding flaws in it, like, oh..too corny...or I sounded like I was desperate, or stupid..or something along that line. But then, I realised that the sincerity of my writing was decreasing the more I edited it. Now, I try not to read my blog(although I still do sometimes). If my thoughts are to be put out for the world to know, I want it to be sincere.

I know, by putting my thoughts/life out in the open, my life will be constantly analyzed. I want it to be that way now, I need help. I need some guidance, because now I know it is easier to see faults or blessings when you're seeing it from an outsider's/stranger's perspective. I'm counting my blessings now, and I know I should be grateful. The Guy up there have been very generous to me and I shouldn't be asking 'why me?' too much. I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

**********

Didn't realise it's already 1.30 am. I need to wake up before 6 am, tomorrow, papa wants to go jogging. Poor papa, had chest pain for quite sometime, quite a scare. Doctors (including the two perasan doctors, me and little sister) said he need to do more exercise. As a result, the whole family have to go too...isk...would be fun, although my sister and I may be a bit grumpy for a few hours..haha!

ok...nite nite

posted by miniME @ 1:32 PM 4 comments

Matahari

Kenapa kalau kita mencari, tak pernah berjumpa apa yang dicari.

Kadang-kadang, ape yang kita minta, Allah tak kasi. Instead, Dia bagi something else yang kita tak nak, and mungkin yang diberikan itu lagi baik dari ape yang kita minta.

Text dari seorang kawan:

Kadang2 Allah hilangkan sekejap matahari,
kemudian Dia datangkan pula guruh dan kilat.
Puas kita menangis mencari mana matahari kita,
rupa-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi yang indah...

Masa-masa frust camni, it doesn't help that much other than giving hope. It doesn't lessen the pain, humiliation and anger that I'm still feeling at the moment. It has been three months and it still feels like yesterday.

Kenapa tak move on? I'm trying, I'm trying. I tried talking about it so much in the hope that I'll get sick of it. I tried crying so hard I got blurred vision for a week, hoping that I'll run out of tears. I still cried myself to sleep at night sometime. I tried not talking about it at all, I became too quiet and melancholic then.

I give up trying to be strong. I've always been the strong one, I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted. I want to cry, I want to be held, I want a hug, I don't want to be strong. When you're strong people always run you down and expect you to be able to rise and pick up the pieces because you are supposed to be strong.

But I know I have to. There is no one who will pick up the pieces for me. I'll have to find my missing link, maybe I'll find it, or it will find me. Either way, I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it.

***********

SO much work to dooo!!! MY elective project I haven't started, not even a bit. Need to start on my CV as well. Have not decided where to apply for job. Do I say up north? or do I go down to England? I love it up here, but there is too much painful memories. I need a fresh start. I need somewhere where I can start a new life.

Going to KL in weeks. Only for 6 days. A friend is getting married, and my cousin is getting engaged! My cousin is only 22. Mama and papa had a debate just now about should engagement be necessary. I don't think engagement is such a good idea if they don't plan on getting married yet. I won't say much about this just yet, because I won't know until my time comes. I just hope my cousin did not do this because he feels that he's got to. He's a good guy, any girl would be lucky to end up with him. Decent guys are a rarity these days, no wonder girls are so quick to get married/engaged once they find the "right one"(whatever that means).

My sister said; Bertunang tak menghalalkan ape2 pun...exactly what I thought as well. But who are we to say anything when jodoh di tangan Allah. Maybe for some, pertunangan tu yang menguji relationship sebelum berkahwin(trial period kata org), if that is necessary to lead to marriage, then who are we to judge? What I don't really agree is pertunangan untuk mengikat, to reserve, nak cop dulu, whatever you call it. But hey, then again, who are we to judge?

A lot more to say in this thing, but head is so congested. Sleepy and hungry. Weird combo. Need to take money tomorrow, need to buy laptop. Yayyy!! can't wait!!

posted by miniME @ 1:51 AM 4 comments

Beautiful places

posted by miniME @ 11:55 AM 2 comments

Berhenti Mengharap

This song really touched me. hope I can do it someday...BERHENTI MENGHARAP.
And pulang tanpa dendam, there's too much regrets and anger in me.

Wish I know how to post audio in this blog thingy...help!!

Berhenti Mengharap
by Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi
dengan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar di sini
tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi
akan guna matahari
yang dulu mampu terangi
sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita
bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam
bila putih menyenangkan

ooo..oooo

aku pulang...tanpa dendam
kuterima.. kekalahanku
aku pulang...tanpa dendam
kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita

posted by miniME @ 9:50 AM 0 comments

Green is just not my colour

Recalled a conversation with mama a few days ago.

Mama scolded my sister for going out with one of her male friend who is not her boyfriend.

Tak baik orang tengok she said. Dah ade boyfriend, pastu keluar dengan lelaki lain, M is a small town. People will talk.

Kenapa nak peduli orang cakap ape? Kalau nak jaga sangat ape orang lain cakap, sendiri yang sakit hati. I said. A defensive attitude I developed after 20 years of trying to please everyone around me, but making myself frustrated and angry in the process. Now I don't care what other people(who doesn't matter to me) think about me.

Kita hidup dalam community. Mama and papa need people's support to do our job(mama and papa are both in education). Kalau nama mama and papa buruk, nanti susah nak buat kerja.
Then mama told me about our front neighbour who badmouthed mama to other people. What?? mama kena fitnah? The so-called neighbour(DO) told another neighbour(lets call her AK) that mama treated our Indonesian helper(Kak M) badly. AK told mama about it because they had been neighbours since mama was a little kid, and she knows mama would not do such a thing. Mama was horrified, she told Kak M about it. Then Kak M told my mum that apparently the DO's maid had been coming to our house and saying bad stuffs about mama.

Kenapa dengki sangat? I don't understand why people have to badmouth other people around them. To make them feel better about themselves? This things always makes me frustrated with Malay/Muslim community. Makes me think twice about coming back and living in Malaysia. I don't like to gossip about R's big cars, S's big house, about G's pretty daughter marrying an ugly and balding rich tycoon. I don't like to analyse other people's marriage, I don't want to know why T's husband is cheating on her, or why suddenly W is not wearing tudung and going to Marie France's Bodyline. But sometimes, I realised when I refuse to join in this kind of conversation(gossipping) I feel that I am being unfriendly and somewhat stuck-up. Not to say that I'm so angelic that I don't gossip at all...of course I do(I am only human...), I do gossip with a very few people that are close to me, but not with just anyone I meet on the street. I do not make assumptions based on nothing or make up stories out of nowhere just because I want to be in a conversation or for whatever reasons.

Diorang jealous kat mama kot. Mama said.

Isy, kenapa pulak jealous kat mama? Perasan best pulak mak aku nih...hehe...

Ye la...anak2 mama semua turned out OK, belajar oversea, yang perempuan cantik2 (isy..puji anak sendiri pulak dia...buat2 tersipu malu my sister and me...hehe) buat medic pulak dua2 tu. H(my brother) pun not bad jugak masuk uni buat engineering. Mama and papa ramai orang respect (being in education). Equally, mesti ade orang dengki. My sister and I terkedu.

Envy. Evil thing.

posted by miniME @ 1:11 AM 2 comments

Chocolate dream

"Di kala engkau mencari cinta
Aku memberi... tapi tak pernah kurasakan
Di kala aku dilamun cinta dengan dirimu
Mengapa kau jauh dariku...."

-Haruskah by Adam-

*************

Woke up 11.30am this morning. Whatt?? anak dara ape ni bangun lambat? anak dara frust... hehe...bangun pagi gosok gigi...makan chocolate cadbury my aunt brought from London...yummm..why is chocolate from UK and Malaysia so different? seems too much milk in Malaysian chocolate...kedekut cocoa nih...

Going to aunty's house after this...for more chocolate...hehe..and Belgian cheese...nyummmm...my aunty just came back from holiday, brought a whole load of chocolate and cheese...iskk..there goes my diet...why didn't I eat more weird cheese when I'm in UK?
All I ever ate was cheddar, mozarella and edam. Tried goat's, blue cheese(yekk) and feta..not too bad..bad won't eat it often. Tried Camembert(dunno how to spell it) cheese in Nice, smellyyyyy..but ok.

Chocolate is beckoning me from aunty's house...need to go...

posted by miniME @ 3:25 PM 0 comments

Einstein MiniMe

1. Buy tauhu...make tauhu sumbat
2. Wear skirt, work on my posture
3. Save the world or kalau susah sangat destroy it(easier kot)

posted by miniME @ 12:17 PM 0 comments

The Beach

My favourite beach in my little hometown. Almost sunset, but didn't stay long enough to get pictures of sunset. (before Canon down..isk..)

posted by miniME @ 12:30 AM 0 comments

Canon oh Canon

Waarrghhh!! i dropped my dear Canon!

Got up about 4.30 am, showered...drove mum to airport. Her flight was at 6.30am, going to Penang for a meeting. Got back home at about 7am, but cant get back to sleep...my mind was too busy torturing itself, memories..memories...damn you..

Went out for a drive at quarter to 8...ramainye orang!! forgot it was the rush hour..what's wrong with all malaysian drivers? as far as I remembered, I was taught such things as signalling before turning and slowing down at corners...am I so old? Drove for about 30 minutes before I decided to go to the beach. It was quiet as I expected, but not deserted. a security guard wondering around, a guy sitting on a log staring at the sea(cheh...tiru my idea..hehe)..well..not really, my favourite spot is the big rocks stretching about 150 metres into the sea. just to sit there on the rocks, watching the big waves crashing into tiny droplets...bliss..

Anyway, I was struggling to walk on the big rocks to reach the perfect spot (why did they build this jetty on the rocks...it spoilt the fun of jumping on the rocks to reach the end of the long stretch) . I slipped and tried to steady myself but my dear Canon slipped from my hand and the lens which was jutting out hit the rock...huhuhu..it got jammed after that...could not zoom anymore..need to repair it in KL..isk..luckily am going to KL next month. Oh well, it didn't spoil my melancholic mood anyway. I sat on the rock and cried and just be weak and hopeless romantic for about one and the half hours.

Felt silly after that, then went back to my car and drove to another beach, the Esplanade they call it. Locked my car from inside, sat there and put on a Malay CD, a compilation of Akademi Fantasia students..not bad..I love a song called Haruskah from Adam. Made me cry. Cried again for a few minutes..I ran out of fluid to waste(hehe)...too much crying for the past months...my reservoir is running low...good thing i suppose? then I just sat in the car just thinking of anything that comes to mind. Can't remember any of it now...maybe not important enough...felt good to cry tho.

Went home about 10.30 am. Then went shopping like maniac with dear sister...woohooo!!! all problems solved!!!

Bought a dress and 2 skirts...err..am I serious? Buang tebiat

posted by miniME @ 11:56 PM 0 comments

Eternal Flame

Close your eyes, give me your hands, darling...Can you feel my heart's beating?...Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning...AN ETERNAL FLAME...

Apparently, I WAS only dreaming...an the flame was my own burning fingers trying to torch my way into his dark cold heart.

posted by miniME @ 9:17 AM 0 comments

The Leap

Run Forrest! Run!! I wanna run away!! or should I jump? jump the famous cliff in my beloved city of M. Famous for the cliff of death..took how many lives God knows how many...beautiful scenery..beautiful cliff...such a shame that it got famous because of its ability to attract depressed young girls who got dumped by stupid idiots who didnt care a single shit about them. SHould I jump too? NOt to end my short inexperienced life, but just to take a leap.

That's what people do. THey leap, with the hope that they would fly. If not, they would spend their whole life thinking; WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I MAKE THE JUMP?

How can I make The Leap? I don't even know where to land. I need a nudge. A big push. MAybe this is it. This misery. This pain. This agony. This big pile of shit that's dumped on me. It's actually a big push for me to jump.What do I want to land on?

I just want to be happy. Happy without regrets from my past. I've got too much regrets, too much for my short span of life.

Should have been a naughty girl in school. Should have told that cute boy with songkok that I liked him too. Should have held a boy's hand before 20. Should have gone out with girlfriends, being silly little schoolgirls. Should have worn short skirts and low tops that shows my cleavage..haha..Should have been more impulsive. Should have been taking care of my own heart rather than other peoples'. Shouldn't be the sensible older sister, the reliable eldest daughter. The list goes on...

Butwould I be here if I'd done what I think I should have done? Would I be here in UK, experiencing the time of my life, being hurt by the only person I'm in love with. I might not learn how to love. I still have not yet experience of being love in return.

How people can change in a flash, love can turn to nothing, not even hate...not even a care in the world. How the mind can forget. The past does not matter anymore when the present doesn't bring him happiness. Does love have to be all bed of roses? When it's not, do we just leave? and forget? There is no love for me in his heart that is worth holding on to. How I hate to remember. How I want to forget all the memories. Like it never happened at all. If only I can erase the last 4 years of my life.

THEN I'LL NEVER LEARN!

Must watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind again ( Thanks D!). Maybe I can develop the technology to erase memory selectively. How wonderful. But how wrong.
How else would I learn if not from my own stupid mistake? is there such thing as stupid mistake. A mistake is as it is. There is no clever mistake. I have to be stupid to make mistake. NO? i don't know..maybe. Of course! (i dont know how many ppl are talking in my head at the moment) Of course Ihave to be stupid in order to make mistake! If I am clever, I dont make mistake. Clever ppl survive, clever people are loved. Stupid people get played and dumped. So dont be stupid! silly girl!

Anyway, getting hurt from own mistake. That's how our heart protects us, to let us develop into a better, CLEVER human being. By getting hurt. Just like our skin (just like my sunburnt skin..oh..how lovely Monaco and Nice are..:)) it gets burnt when we touch fire. To protect us from burning to death. To tell us that's what happens when you play with fire, you get burnt. YOu'll get blisters, it get scarred. It's ugly!

Lesson: Don't play with fire. Or if you still want to play with fire, or feel the need to do it, learn to do it cleverly, so you won't get burnt. Or at least have a fore extingisher and a pack of ice or a first aid kit with you. GEDDIT!!

Just trying to make a point, not as elegantly as I hoped. Sigh...my brain is turning into mushy peas...yum...

posted by miniME @ 8:32 AM 0 comments

Stupid idiot

You throw me away like a piece of used gum.

My plan is to erase you out of my memory as if you have never existed.

You are an ugly smudge on my painting.

Please, just leave me alone.

posted by miniME @ 11:25 AM 0 comments

Like muddy water

I can't see it!

How deep is it?

Will I stand?

Or will I drown?

How will I know?

Like muddy water

It will settle one day

IT WILL SETTLE DOWN

Then you'll see the bottom

Not always as you expect it to be

But it won't be too bad

You'll be OK

You'll be fine...

posted by miniME @ 10:56 PM 0 comments

Seasick

The waves keep crushing my sandcastle
Why won't it stop?
Please let my castle stand

It's just another wave
Nothing personal
It's just another wave
Like the one before
It crushes another sandcastle before yours

Not just mine? Not personal?
Not the sea against me
It's the sea greeting the shore

I'll just have to keep building my castle
Until it's strong enough to stand the waves
I can't make the waves stop
I'll just have to make my castle stronger

Please let my sandcastle stand

Even just for a while

I need to rest my hand

Look up and search the sky

Is it going to rain too?

Another test to pass

To see if my sandcastle can stand

Build with love to last...

posted by miniME @ 10:38 PM 0 comments

Super duper

Alhamdulillah passed my exam!!! a huge burden lifted off my heavy shoulder hehe...feeling much better now, got back from Nice...a wonderful place in the sun. Overtanned, overfed, overspent..hmm...overtired..but super duper highly charged!!! Ready or not...Malaysia!!here I come!!!!!!

Need a shower. Still smelling like marinated fish..hmmmm...barbeque..yum yum

posted by miniME @ 11:32 AM 0 comments

Wouldnt it be nice

Wouldn't it be nice by Beach Boys

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it’s gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we’ve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn’t it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happy

Wouldn’t it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be nice'

note to self: THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!

posted by miniME @ 7:29 PM 0 comments

Lesson 1

Exam over. Or is it? Result is not out yet...don't be too comfortable yet, afterall I did sigh too loudly with irritation in my breaking bad news station. whatever. i need this vacation! don't care if I deserve it or not. Not really a holiday tho, elective to start, decisions to make, where to work? life or career? why does it have to be mutually exclusive? how do I know?

well, i don't. i'll just have to find out for myself. Make my own mistake rather than learning from other ppl's mistake...seemed to be doing a lot of that recently...don't know why. Must be my subconcious mind trying to tell me to grow up and stop relying on other people to make me happy.

What do I think makes me happy? Money?don't have that. A boyfriend or boyfriends?..ditto. A distinction for exam? fat chance. What should make me happy? family..got a very loving and supportive one. Friends..not a lot..but very dear and wonderful ones. Hope? definitely got that. My problem, is, I am not happy with myself..then how can I be happy with anyone else..or at all? Just realized this a few minutes ago...when I try to think back..when was the last time I am truly happy with myself?

I CAN'T REMEMBER!!

I'm happy when someone tells me I'm sweet or pretty, and I'm a good friend. Then when the phone calls stopped for a few days..my mind began to wonder. Why doesnt my friends call me? Did I say anything to offend them? Did I came across too needy? Don't they like me anymore? Why am I thinking this way? Why am I so insecure inside? Why do I keep driving people away? These are the people who actually likes me at the beginning...then somehow when I start noticing that they like me, I began trying too hard to keep them happy. A lot of things I have to learn about myself...I can't do it alone.

Someone is helping from above...HE's teaching me something about life..I can't figure out what precisely. I guess HE''ll give it in small chunks...and I'll have to put all the pieces together myself. Now, the first lesson. Am learning something, but still can't understand why does it have to be that way. I know I'll get another lesson, but I hope I'll be more prepared next time. There's nothing worse than coming to lectures without having any idea of what's it gonna be about (haha! speak for yourself!). I'm so lucky..I have my family and friends who are so wonderful and supportive. I need to figure out what this is about...before the next lesson comes!!

I wonder how will the exam be like

posted by miniME @ 6:26 PM 0 comments

Is there a perfect sky?

TORN
by Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can seeThe perfect sky is torn
You're a little lateI'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
Which crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't careI had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little lateI'm already torn
Torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feelI
'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
I'm Torn.

Note to self : ILLUSIONS NEVER CHANGE INTO SOMETHING REAL

posted by miniME @ 6:19 PM 0 comments