Stranger in the night
Something happened last night which makes me realised the importance of giving other people the benefit of a doubt. Having just been dumped(hate to use that word but it's the only way I can put it) I grew more suspicious about other people's motives towards me.
Since last week I spend my evening with KM for her company and willing ears to listen to me talk about my frustration, regrets and dissappointments. I would go to her place at about 6pm and then take the 11 pm bus to go home. Last night...
I was waiting standing at the bus stop (it was raining rather heavily), while talking to my friend on the phone. THne a 40-something old guy approached me and said something about
a bus coming soon, or something like that. I was talking on the phone so I couldn't really hear what he said. I just assumed he was waiting for the bus like me. I thought he looked a bit drunk, or maybe it was my overactive imagination. After all those news about murder, attacks, kidnapping and everything, one couldn't help feeling scared and suspicious of overfriendly strangers.
I was beginning to get scared because he kept talking to me, introducing himself and kept asking if I was OK. A weird thing he said,
don't worry, I'm on your side. I must have looked terrified then because after that he stood about 4 metres away from me, outside the bus shade in the rain. Even then he kept asking if I was OK, but I just turned my back on him. I almost screamed when he came up behind me and put my jacket hood over my head. I turned around and he grinned and said
, cover your head, it's raining. I said I'm OK and after about 10 minutes of ignoring him and telling my friend over the phone how I thought this guy has gone cuckoo, the guy tapped on my shoulder and asked again if I was OK, and said something about worrying about me. HUH? what? I asked him if he is waiting for the bus and he said,
No, I was just passing by and thought I need to look out for you because I' worried about you. It's scary to wait for the bus alone in the middle of the night, so, are you sure you're OK here by yourself? I was dumbfounded, I felt bad. What can I say to him? ermm.. I told him I 'm OK and not to worry about me because the bus is coming pretty soon. Guess what he did next?
He took my hand and kissed it, said goodnight and then he left. I didn't know what to say next. I felt bad and ashamed of myself for being too quick to judge people. Yes, I know we should be careful and on the lookout most of the time, but if we don't give the benefit of a doubt or take risk/chances on other people, we'll lose all these random acts of kindness from strangers. I wish I could meet him again (in a broad daylight of course!) to thank him properly and tell him his kindness is appreciated (not questioned!). And oh, I'll try not to go home too late in the night.
FOSIT
FOSIT. Feeling Of Something In Throat. had that for 2 weeks now. horrible feeling, plus the feeling of a big hole in my heart, or is it my gut? Need to be more controlled now, he doesn't deserve this much of a mourning. Maybe.
Need to eat lunch, didnt have breakfast this morning. havent had breakfast for 2 weeks now..weird...used to be the most enjoyable meal of the day for me. Now I just dread the morning, couldnt wait for the night to come, and I'll just bury my head under the duvet,wishing tomorrow I'm still the naive, hopeful and optimistic girl that I was a few years ago. Dunno, maybe my innocence was the one that landed me into this trouble, trusting a person wholeheartedly. I took a risk, a risk that I thought I can handle if it goes wrong. Didn't think at that time how my lack of experience will fail my judgement. How do you distinguish the fine line between following your instinct or your heart? What I thought was my instinct at that time might be blinded my hope of finding 'The One' without having to go through what most people have to go through before finding the right one; HEARTBREAK.
So much more that I need to get off my chest..but so little time. Don't have time to nurse this heart, need to let it fibrose quickly, how can you heal without time? Will take care of it later, after exam. Please pray for me...I need it now more than ever.
emotional incontinence
Emotional Incontinence. That's my problem..they should really put that in the ICD-10. It is a psychiatric disorder..really gets you and other people around you into trouble. This heart is full of emotions it cant contain, then
I started leaking all over the place...in the library, in clinic, on the street. Then suddenly it just burst anywhere anytime and you just feel so embarrassed and stupid for being unable to control your own emotions. I miss him.
cactus love
what does it mean when you get a cactus on a valentine's day? hmm..the relationship will be painful and unromantic, but it will last forever? will it? even cactus wont last forever if you dont water it for the whole year! cactus will survive a long time without water... ppl take it for granted, it's still a living plant, it needs water. ppl can be patient and tolerant to stay in a relationship, but without love the relationship will die. how can you survive on false pretend love? it was painful. painful when you give all your loyalty and committment, and above all your trust to someone you really love, and get betrayal and lies in return. how can people be so deceitful, desperate enough to lie to themselves, maybe to get a temporary companion(like a pet maybe) for a lonely journey of being a student. once he gets to the point where the pet doesnt give him more excitement, or started to demand something more from him like better food and more cuddles.. exasperation takes place. he doesnt need it anymore...its too demanding...not worth his time and energy..he just doesnt love it enough..doesnt love it anymore...never had. lied to himself all these years that he loves it, so he can keep it, so it wont run away and he'll lost all the good things that he gets from the pet. he likes it when it fetches his paper every morning without fail, lick his feet when he's tired, it will cry with him when he's sad, do everything for him because the pet loves him to bits. by the way, there are more pets in the streets that he can pick up and play with and dump it again if it gets annoying.
someone said to me once,if you want to see how your relationship will be...just remember your first movie you have watched together. mine (with him) is "From Hell".
need to study!!exam is coming!stop thinking about it!! someone pls dunk my head in the toiletbowl and slap me!! btw, the pet still loves him. cactus died despite thousands of attempts to revive it. whats a girl to do?
