Homesick
Feeling a dreadful homesickness. Accumulation of almost 5 years worth of being selfish and self-absorbed...not thinking of home as much as I ought to...finally..it hits me...HARD.
I MISS HOME!!!
Not that I haven't been home, I just came back from home 2 months ago. It's just this coming Raya celebration. I was listening to all the Raya songs...first few songs were kinda fun...festive. A bit nostalgic thinking of the times of the last week of Ramadhan...preparing the house. Dad..always with his garden and fishpond...his pride and joy. Will be the centre of attention every Raya, people will be crowding outside the house to admire his work..the fishpond full of Tilapia fish...free for anyone who are smart enough to 'bodek' my dad.
Fresh Tilapia fish is just simply mouthwatering..yumm...sweetsour Tilapia...me, my sis and bro's favourite. My brother especially, being the lazybum of the house would even be determine enough to have a 30 minutes war in the fishpond to catch the fish for dinner..hehe..such determination should be rewarded. So, my mum or I would cook the nicest sweet and sour Tilapia for the whole family to enjoy (me and sis would always fight for the fish tail...hehe...love fishtail..not the tail as such, but the meaty part at the end of the fish, whatever you call it :p)
Anyway, back to Raya preparation...yeah..dad would be trimming his garden or his beloved bonsai plants. He's a passionate bonsai lover...(mum said no wonder their kids are all bonsai size...miniatures..kehkeh except for bro of course..not fair...isk). Mum would be preparing the kitchen, dining room ect for open house. And oh, she'd be spending a lot of time in her little corner (not so little anymore) of orchids near the garden...making sure all the orchids are ready for display so that they can compete with dad's fishpond and bonsai...heheh. My sister would be the chief decorator of the whole house...anything she says, goes. I would be doing little insignificant things here and there...trying to look helpful..(cos I'm hopeless when it comes to tidying up and cleaning and decorating...hehe). My favourite task before Raya is folding the napkin and arranging it into a big lotus flower...wooo..my pride and joy..heheh. Even though it's hardly a competition with my dad's fishpond and bonsai or my sis's house art deco, it's my work all the same..heheh. My brother...will be helpful by sitting in front of the computer and playing games, or out with his friend helping with his friend's Raya preparation...tsk tsk tsk...that guy have got to learn his priority...hehe. Well...he's not that bad...he would be helpful enough if me, sis, mum and dad 'membebel' at the same time at him....heheh.
In my village (not really a traditional village as such, but I like to call it that..cos thats how it feels like..warm and friendly), every Raya there will be rows of oil lamps along the road, in front of all houses. There will always be a competitions of having the most beautiful and consistent rows of oil lamps between the villages in my small town. Then, the village's young lads will actually have something useful to do besides sitting around at the side of the road wooing young girls who pass by. My brother, will always join these lads going around the village making sure the oil lamps are lighted and keeping the other village's lads from sabotaging our village's lamps by mixing water with the oils. Such sense of belonging and 'determination' to win among the lads...if only they apply it into doing business or something more useful...heheh...they are nice guys mostly (especially individually)..the only thing is guys tend to become jerks when they are in a group...why ah? I wonder if my brother acts like those lads when he's with them. He can be pain in the a** sometime...hehe
That was 5 years ago...I wonder if it is still like that. With me and my sister away from home, I think my brother is beginning to appreciate us more...well..I am beginning to appreciate him more. I was never the 'cool big sis' to him...always the
'garang' one. But now, after spending so much time apart, somehow the distance brought us closer, especially the last two years. About three weeks ago I talked to him on the phone. My brother said
"Bila kakak nak habis study? balik Malaysia cepat2...boring lah raya sorang2" (In other word,
I miss you lah kakak...heheheh :p) I wish I could promise him I'm coming back home soon, that I will be spending the Raya with the family...how I wish I could. But I just said to him "
Doa je lah kakak pass exam next year,pastu dapat kerja then, dapat duit nak balik Raya next year, ok? Kalau kakak kaya, Hadi (bukan nama sebenar :p) jugak yang kaya kan?" heheh....ade ke bribe adik sendiri suruh doa...isk . Despite being supposedly macho (skinny) 19 year-old, deep down my bro is still the same smelly little pudgy thing he was 15 years ago....hehe...me and my sis's 'live model' to dress-up and to try our talent on being make-up artists. Poor Hadi always ended up looking like a weird alien baby with makeups, a hat, a handbag and our old dress put on him. Until now, he never got over the idea of being bullied by his two older sister who are now midgets to him.
Sigh...I miss those days. I miss being at home...the feel of comfort and safety. Even though I rarely give it much thought when I'm away...it always welcomes me...with the warmest welcome I could ever get. I miss everything at home, the cat, the fishes, the garden, the mango tree, rambutan and cempedak tree at the back garden, my room, the living room, the kitchen, the cars, the non-functioning piano under the stairs, the familiar smell my mum's favourite potpourri...and mostly, the people in it..mum, dad, my sister and brother.
I wonder when we're gonna have the whole family together again...on Hari Raya. ...to be continued (hopefully :p)
tulis...tulisss...
Tiba-tiba je rasa nak tulis dalam bahasa sendiri...hehe...tapi bukan le nak tulis bahasa Melayu yang 'proper'. Adoi...aku tak ingat ape 'proper' dalam bahasa Melayu. Isk...kene belajar balik ni. Kamus Dewan aku yang besar warna hijau tu ade kat rumah lagi...sapelah agaknye yang pakai. Sebenarnye tengah memerah otak nak tulis CV dengan isi borang permohonan untuk mintak kerja. Minggu depan dah nak kene hantar....baru terhegeh-hegeh nak buat. Isk...teruk betul aku nih. Dari kecik sampai besar tak pernah nak buat kerja awal sikit...mesti nak tangguh sampai saat-saat terakhir. Kalau takde 'due date' mamang statik lah aku. Tapi takleh jugak cakap aku ni sentiasa camtu....kadang2 kalau datang semangat berkobar-kobar tu..aku boleh gak terlebih semangat dari orang lain....hehe...
Hmm...dulu-dulu aku selalu semangat nak buat kerja. Kalau ade ape2 yang di bawah tanggungjawab aku, mesti siap punye. Aku buat kerja tu, buli orang-orang bawahan hehe...semuanya mesti 'perfect'...sempurna(hmm..ade perkataan lain tak selain sempurna? macam tak kena je bunyi). Orang lambat sikit pun aku marah macam tak ingat dunia...memang pantang aku lah orang-orang yang suka datang lambat nih. Buang masa orang lain je. Buang masa aku je...Kalau ade ape2 kenduri ke, 'meeting' ke, perjumpaan2 biasa pun...aku tak boleh lah lambat. Sebab tu la..aku sentiasa je duduk melangok tunggu orang datang tiap kali buat janji dengan orang lain...kalau make-up cantik2 ke, rambut dandan kemas2, letak minyak wangi banyak2 pun...tak guna. Bila orang2 tu dah datang, aku dah naik darah, muka pun macam cuka nak basi (cuka boleh basi ke?)...hehe...teruk kan aku?
Tu dulu-dulu lah...sekarang ni..kadang-kadang je camtu. Aku pun dah tenang sikit...aku rasa lah...nak lambat pun sekarang aku tak rasa bersalah dah...muahahahaha...senang hidup aku. Tak payah fikir pasal orang lain. Bua ape aku fikir pasal orang kalau orang tak fikir pasal aku? Hmm...tak bagus gak...sebab benda ni jadi bila dah jadi tebiat susah nak buang. Paling2 pelik aku rasa bila aku selamba dek je masuk lecture atau pegi 'ward round' lambat. Isk...malu pun takde dah...adoi...ape jadi ngan aku nih? Tak nak la jadi camni...aku dulu sentiasa menepati masa...tak boleh lambat sikit. Kalau lambat memang aku gelabah. Lagipun aku tak suka buat orang tertunggu-tunggu..tak baik tau. Tapi sekarang rasa bersalah tu dah hilang. Kenapa ek?
Mungkin kalau dalam 'setting' sosial boleh kot....alaahhh...'if u can't beat them, join them'...kan? tapi...profesionnally, aku tak nak lah buat camtu. Tapi masalah nye, kalau dah selalu sangat buat...jadi tabiat...ade2 je yang akan buat kita lambat. Sebab dalam otak tu dah set...'takpe...awal lagi...ade lagi masa...boleh jalan cepat sikit nanti...bla bla bla...' macam macam lah alasan otak tu buat nak melambatkan kita...sebab dah biasa kan. TUp tup dah terlambat...aku lari camne pun tak guna dah...sakit perut aku je lari2(takde lah lari-lari...jalan cepat-cepat je...:p) pegi lecture...sampai kat dewan kuliah dah tak larat nak dengar Dr. G tu cakap pasal isi borang 'cremation'. hmmm...kena belajar merancang masa baik2 nih...susah bila nak kerja nanti kalau camni...
Waahhhh...apesal aku tulis pasal ni pulak..ingatkan nak tulis pasal CV aku...dengan pilihan nak pegi kerja kat mana. Aku duduk je lah ka Scotland ni kot...tak payah lah nak pegi jauh2 dulu...lagipun Scotland best...hehe...kan KM? aku budak kampung..suka duduk rumah...jalan-jalan tengok pemandangan...Scotland ni kira sesuai la untuk aku. Kalau duduk bandar besar2 pun bukan aku keluar sangat pun. Paling-paling aku keluar pun pegi Tesco ngan Sainsbury kot...hehe...hmm..lama tak pegi tengok wayang. Tengok lah..lepas raya nanti aku pegi tgk ape2 yang best...the Corpse Bride tu macam best je.
Panjang la pulak....uwaaa...CV tak dapat lak idea nak tulis ape...isk isk....
*Kenapa 'umbrella man' aku tak telefon2 lagi*
Beautiful
I was asked a lot of questions last night. But this question stuck in my mind.
"What did you learn from your previous relationship?"My answer came up like a reflex...
"To value myself more..."I surprised myself when I said it out loud. The memories flooded back into my mind, forcing me to judge myself..how I value myself back then, how I degraded myself to a point that I felt to so unworthy of anyone's love that I have to endure that kind of relationship just to be with somebody. Just to be an 'anything' not even a 'someone' to somebody...if that make any sense.
*NO...no...I am not being sorry for myself..not anymore...I am just doing a bit of self-reflection..(best done after sahur...when I had too much to eat and feeling sleepy but can't sleep cos had too much to eat..haha :p) *
Anyway, I was thinking back...the things that I had done to win his heart...up to a point where I was so desperate that I tried to make him be dependant on me. I cooked, cleaned, iron his clothes, etc...be at his beck and call anytime of the day. At that time I felt he is worth all the efforts and sacrifices I have made, and I was willing to do more. I had the lowest opinion about myself...I didn't have any pride left in me at that time to see how low I have become.
Not gonna dwell too much on it...3 years worth of self-destruction. I did a lot of self-reflection...especially when I was in that dark-hole. It always made me feel depressed, and I despised myself for allowing myself to become that low. The thing that made me more disgusted with myself was I refused to come out of it. Blinded by love? that's what my friend said..but I wasn't blinded..I saw what was happening, I saw my own 'death', I was obsessed with whatever I saw in him...I think :p Sounds like a psychopath, but oh well...this is me being honest with myself.
Now, thankfully...I can look back at all that and think...
"I came out out from that hole as a person who value herself more" I am still not at the point of loving myself so much that I can just be alone and happy...I don't think I can reach that level...that fact I have accepted...painfully of course (since I always thought myself as an independent girl). I am still independant in my own way, I don't need hundreds of friends around me, a few close and dependable ones are enough...but having someone that loves me unconditionally made me realised that I am worthy of love. I still sometimes feels the need to earn it...but I know this is not some kind of prize that I have to slave myself for. This, I hope, is meant for me. As simple as that.
In a way, I am very thankful to be given this lesson *not thankful to that *%$&*&% tho* because it gave me the nudge to change, to value myself more and to love and appreciate the people around me. I can't do it by myself...I didn't reach this stage by myself...I'm blessed with a loving family, good friends and a special someone who made me realise the worthy person I could be.
*You are beautiful*
WIndyy....whoooshhh..whooosshh
Typical British autumn day..today, without the rain, although I have the feeling it might rain cats and dogs in a few days/hours/minutes/seconds. It's windy...the whole night, since yesterday...can hear the wind going mad outside, like chasing some unwanted buggers out from its territory. I pity the birds trying to fly against the wind
.."what are you thinking bird?!!? can't you see you can't win against the nature?" looks quite funny...the birds will just try so hard to fly , but it'll stay static in air, fighting hard against the wind. Isk...I shouldn't think it's funny...cos I look the same when I tried to walk against the wind..haha.
Hmm...not really planning to write anything...it's just me...thinking about the weather...wishing it would skip autumn, and for winter to come faster. Let it snow!! let it snow!!! Let it snow!!!
Supposed to do work...but it's soooo coldd...the bed is inviting me, looks soo cosy...my comfy thick duvet is beckoning me to curl and nest inside it. I can feel it...it's in the air..hibernating period is coming..muahaha...the thought of anything to do with chocolate is getting extra frequent now...bed looks extra comfy, my pyjama is getting warmer by the day...a hot bath...ahh...inviting...
My bed...my fav duvet cover...
Things to do today
1. Do at least a lil bit of work
2. Go Sainsbury with a friend. BUy things for tonight's dinner, we're gonna bake cake!! and I'm gonna cook rendang and nasi minyak..muahaha
3. See/talk to my dearest
4. BAke Chocolate Nut Moist Cake, or rather, I'll pretend that I know how to make it :p
5. Cook rendang and nasi minyak
6. See/talk to my dearest
7. Sing Happy Birthday to my friend, altho her bday is tomorrow
8. WIsh my dearest goodnight
9. Break fast...with that cake....yummmmm
*wishing my dearest to be here*
Is it written in the star?
For the last few months, I have been paying some extra attention to horoscopes readings. Not that I really swore by it, and live my life on it...but somehow it always talks about things that are on my mind at that particular time.
Just now, unable to do any work...just so tired of trying to tie words together to make a decent discussion for my project...I resolved to reading my horoscope for today. It read:
"If you are making plans, be sure they're based on reality and not purely on what you wish would happen. Keep both feet firmly on the ground as you consider the future. If you're thinking of making some changes, talk your feelings through with loved ones. You won't act on all your thoughts and some may seem completely absurd but practical possibilities will emerge from a meaningful discussion."I got a weird feeling in my stomach when I read this. It's a bit spooky cos when I am determine not to live my life on predictions, there it is...giving me some sort of guidance on exactly the very thing that I am thinking now. And no, there is no more to it than that, it's not just a list of possible conflicts that anyone could have at this particular day. That is the only reading for today, 5th of October 2005. Hmm..maybe I'm being too overimaginative, don't know. Just less than 2 hours ago, I was having this conflict...of trying to make decisions/plans for the future. It is all about "What I should vs What I want". I know what I should do, and I definitely know what I want. The only thing is, they are different paths that I have to choose. Am I being too wishful? To wish for the paths to cross at some point, somehow. Oh how I wish for that.
Yes...discussion with my loved ones is definitely what I need to help me with this. And I am very grateful that I have all the support I need to do this. *
Baby, thank you for being there for me*
Ramadhan thoughts...
Wishing Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan to all...
How I wish I'd be home, this month...when mama or papa would knock on everyone's door at 4.00 am for
sahur. Even if you don't feel like eating anything at the wee hours in the morning...everyone has to sit down together at the table. Like it or not, me, sis n bro will somehow end up eating something. At least the fried chicken with rice...hmm..yummm..simple..but it's the only thing that can go down at that hour. Then, some fruits and soya bean drink to wash it all down. The cat, Benge would be meowing outside, hoping to be fed as well...happy to hear the whole household waking up at that odd hour.
After sahur, mama and papa would stay up reading the Quran, waiting for Subuh. I always ended up craving for something to eat just a few seconds before the azan Subuh can be heard. The last time I spent Ramadhan at home was 4 years ago...how I miss it. Favourite time of the day, going to Pasar Ramadhan...salivating over the smell of
ikan bakar, satay, rojak, mee jawa(droolinngggg....), nasi lemak, laksa, murtabak, all the kuih-muih, and ahh...
cendol. Isk.. I can't remember what else is in Pasar Ramadhan..huhuhu...*salivating already..hehe*
Of course...I will always try to be a better Muslimah during this month. I know I'm suppose to try hard to be that all the time...I'm only human. I have a lot of flaws, still not free from sins and regrets. Thankfully, I am blessed with at least having conscience and insights of what I'm doing. My wrongdoings, are not done without guilt...without praying for forgiveness. I try hard not to make the same mistakes more than once.
But, just like a child, I will still climb up the chair for the sweets on the table even though my parents warn me against it. How many times I have to fall and cut or bruise myself to listen to my parents? I don't know. What I do know, I will vow to myself to be good, everytime I fall...and get picked up by my parents..I promise myself to be a better daughter for them, not to dissappoint them. Even though somehow mistakes will be made again, I can only hope and pray that everything will turn out alright. Maybe it is wrong for me to think that way, but I'm trying...I know I'm trying.
How many lessons God needs to give me for me to learn, I don't know. What I know is everytime I had a lesson, I will learn something. Maybe I will not get the whole message...but I'll pick it up piece by piece, like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece have to be earned the hard way. The next piece of the puzzle, I pray will fall in the right place...I promise myself I'll work hard on it. I know it won't come easy, sacrifices need to be made...but I know in my heart, it is the perfect piece. Not the last piece yet, but an important piece that will make sense of everything in my life.
For this Ramadhan, I only pray for one thing. Give me strength....to be a better person, to be a good daughter to my parents and to bring happiness to my family, friends and that special someone.
