Crystal
Do you always trust you first initial feeling?We take risks...we all do...most people take calculated risk. Yes...practically, we are not supposed to take risk blindly...without knowing and thinking of the 'what ifs'. FAITH is what we need. Faith...when we just know that something is just right..without having any prove to justify it, just knowing and believing in our hearts that this is how it is suppose to be. "What if I'm wrong? What if it's just my wishful thinking? " I asked myself that thousands of time...equally...I wondered...."What if this is it? What if this is what is meant for me? What if..."
In my life, I have been blessed with smooth paths...most of it. Sometimes I take risks..yes...calculated risks. Risks that I take whereby I have got nothing too precious to lose. Once, I took a blind risk...faith...my judgement failed me. I put my pride, my own dignity, my friends, my parents' trust in me on the line....Thank God...God still loves me..I didn't lose it all....lost a few friends, I felt humiliated, betrayed, my self-confidence crashed down the hill...but still...I gained a few more friends after that, my family supported me all the way...and I regained back my self-confidence...bit by bit. True, what my friend said...God took away the sunshine, gave me rainy days...just to show me..there is a rainbow behind those clouds...and the most beautiful sunshine I have ever seen. Yes, I have seen that sunshine...I live it now.
Now...I have a choice to make. I know it is obvious what is best practically, realistically. Do I dare to take another risk....a bigger one at that. My future...my happiness is on the line. Am I foolish to even think about it? maybe...I don't know...I don't even dare to ask for advice...if I was to be asked this question a month ago...I would whack that person's head for even thinking about it. Now that I have found something that I feel worth taking this risk for....I don't know what to do. My heart and my mind says different things. I am still scared of what the future holds for me.
Actually watching 'Practical Magic' now, and writing this during the intervals. My train of thoughts is a bit jumbled up. I want to write this now, cos I know I wouldn't continue if I stop now. But the romantic in me loves this movie so much...so a bit distracted when I'm writing this down.
"I want to find love that even time will lie down and stand still for me..." yes...most of us want that.
And the water was closing all around...like a glove....like the love that had finally, finally found me. I think I have found that love.
"Have you ever put your hands out and spin around so fast? That is how love feels like, it makes your heart beat so fast...but you have to be careful...you have to keep your eyes open, and fix your eyes on something real...so that you won't get so dizzy you'll fall"
Yes...I have to keep my eyes open...I know that. Fix on something real. The thing is, what's real for me...is this feeling. Do I always trust my first initial feeling? No,I don't...but now..I think I do.
Then I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you...drove me thru the mountains...thru the crystal-like clear water fountain...drove me like a magnet....to the sea...***********************************************************************************
Crystal
by Stevie Nicks
Do you always trust your first initial feeling
Special knowledge holds truth bears believing
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea
How the faces of love have changed turning the pages
And I have changed oh, but you...you remain ageless
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea
For you....my angel
The Way You Look Tonightby Frank Sinatra
Some day,
when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
Yes you're lovely,
with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ...
Just the way you look tonight.
Just like a hug
....this cold, fine morning....I woke up with tears in my eyes....I had a dream...not a bad dream..just a dream that left me with such intense feeling of missing someone...it's new feeling for me...it's just so raw and intense..not a bad thing either...cos I felt wonderful..having to feel such emotion in me. I felt silly for crying...that's something that I have to learn to control....I had been known to be a hard-hearted girl...but this past few years have brought out the crybaby in me :p
Although....now, when I cry, I know I won't be alone. Such comfort...such warm wonderful feeling. It is...just like a hug.
A hug..is such a wonderful thing. It's so simple, yet powerful.
*The thought of you....is just like a hug*
Saturday morning
And here I am....on Saturday morning...9.30 am..in the library...woke up at 6am, daydreamt about an half hour, curled up in my safe nest(my comfy duvet), talked on the phone...*dream dream*...then took a loonngg hot shower. Then, spent half hour getting ready, listening to Graeme Gordon, a presenter from Northsound 1 Radio(local radio station) argue about the proper spelling of Graeme...*is it Graeme of Graham?* duh....you're supposed to wake people up, not put them back to sleep...but I couldn't be bothered to change the station, so I switched it off. Had toast n tea n a banana....while watching a cartoon 'Legend of the dragon' or something like that...hehe....wanted to stay and watch but the my itchy fingers dragged me away from the TV screen to go to medical school..no..no...not to study...to do a bit of my elective work (yah..right....actually..yes there are some thruths in that) and to also fulfill my daily wish...to 'talk' with dearly beloved online....*dream dream* (I haven't got internet connection at home, not yet anyway :p).
The walk from my place to the medical school is a very short one....about 20 minutes...enough for me to daydream some more, while listening to the mp3 in my hp...isk...I daydream too much don't I? hmm....well....what else am I supposed to do walking alone..talk to myself? hehe..I rather daydream...:p It was raining when I walked this morning, not really heavy...just the typical Scottish rain, morning drizzle. I had my black waterproof jacket with the fluffy hood on, so....didnt really affect me that much, except that I'm wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses today..I walked with spotted vision all the way to the medical school :p
Hmm...what am I gonna make for dinner today?... Isk...it's still wee hours in the morning and I'm already planning dinner..what's wrong with me? hmmm...last night dinner was not too bad I think..made my self a big nice chicken salad...not before gorging on half red pepper n carrot dipped with humous, n half tin of sweetcorn...yumm...
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Library very deserted...*Saturday morning....duhhh...* been here for almost an hour an not a single work done...maybe in another hour...heehee..well..I have got all day, havent I?
*Missing my angel very much...*
Do work....do workkk...
An entry of nothing in particular
Home sweet home!! At last…..a place I can call home…for me to come back to everyday…warm comfy bed….hmmm…ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wish I can fall asleep that easy, but that is not usually the case. I’d toss and turn for at least half hour..usually about an hour or so…after getting all worked up for not being able to sleep, I’d get up…walk around my room for a bit, get some warm milk or hot chocolate or horlicks whichever comes to mind. Maybe if I’m in the student mood, I ‘d open a book and try to learn something (hmmpphh..yah right..:p).
Well, last nite I had a good sleep, after few nights of troubled ones. I was coming down with a flu…my stuffs needed unpacking and being in the Monica-mode I managed to unpack most of my stuffs with half eyes closed. My throat felt like it had been scratched by a cat and walked on by some ladybugs. Hmm…I think I have been talking about bugs more often than before nowadays…wonder why…*somebody’s fault..:p*
Today I had to buy some chicken to make myself a nice chicken porridge…something that I always make myself when I’m feeling rundown. Lots and lots of ginger, garlic and black pepper..hmmm…yummm….
Happy bunny!
Where do I start?
These past few weeks have been very interesting for me. So little time...and I've got several plates to spin at once. Not that I'm complaining, I'm having the time of my life. :)
My mornings have been getting brighter and more cheerful by the day, thanks to someone. *hugs*. What a wonderful way to start a day...to hear such loving voice wishing me good morning. Just as nice as it to have that luxury, for that voice to be the last thing I hear everynight before I'm off to the Lala Land. Hmmm...I'm gonna move to the next subject now...before anyone turns green :p
My elective project. I was practically sick with fear with the thought of facing my supervisor without anything to show him, apart from some pathetic 3 pages of introduction that I have attempted in 2 days. So, on Monday, when I went to his ward...crossing every fingers that I have, hoping he won't scold me too much, I put on the sweetest face I can manage (hehe...it's not that hard when you're practically overflowed with happiness :p), a really big smile...then said hi to him.
Me: Hi Mr. C!! How are you? I'm back!!!
Mr. C: Oh hi!!! So you're back?...
Me: Yes...just got here last nite. And a bit jetlagged...(hoping he'll get the hint..that I'm very tired and still not settled yet :p)
Mr.C: OK. I'm gonna be at the theatre this morning, so I'll meet you in theatre 11 in 10 minutes, we'll catch up on your progress there
Me: Errr...yah...sure (still bright eyes..n a big smile...n sweet eager face on me)
Isk..isk...go to theatre? not that I don't like going there, I love being in the operation theatre... with all the intruments...the greens...how they try to be as sterile as possible...dunno..I just like the feeling being there..(well..I am still student...dunno how I would feel if I'm the surgeon tho :p) But that morning? I wasnt prepared..I had very little bfast..barely..just a small toast, and half cup of tea. And I had an experience of almost fainting once in the operating table when I was assisting a hysterectomy...not a pleasant experienc at all...and to make it worse, I got 'scolded' by the gynaecologist for not having breakfast before going to theatre. So, from there, I always make sure I have a big breakfast before putting on the greens.
Hm...I was too anxious about my project to tell him I haven't had my breakfast yet...although I know I should have...he's a very nice surgeon anyway. Well..to cut the story short, I ended up being on my feet, assisting him in putting some plates and screws in someone's leg. This someone had been drunk the night before and jumped off a wall :p and ended up with multiple fractures of the leg (ankle+tibia+fibula). That operation took about 4++ hours...I was sweating like a pig....I was in the greens+X-ray 'shield' (cos putting the plates, need X-ray guidance)+the operating gowns which was XL size when I'm suppose to have S size + a face mask and double glove...isk...no wonder I was literally dripping with sweat..and dunno what happen to the ventilation of that theatre...it was flipping hot and stuffy in there.
Funny enough..I had a great day...altho I was bored to my pants...the surgery was interesting enough...but I was too hungry to care...my tummy was rumbling like mad..luckily the sound of the drilling machine covered that very well...plus, I was sleepy and tired, just got about 4 hours sleep the night before. So...I took a desperate action, to avoid myself from falling asleep (I dozed off for a few seconds, while standing up, holding the patient's feet..hehehe..I was impressed with myself for being able to keep the feet steady while dozing off..:p shudn't have done that..I know...)...I hummed to myself...hehe..when everyone else is so absorbed in their own work...I hummed a happy song to myself.....thanks to the drilling machine again, nobody noticed I was singing and humming a current favourite of mine, a Korean song.... by Jjang Nara called Sweet Dream...such a happy song, brings me to live everytime. Well, it worked!! I survived the whole 4++ hours...and get to talk to my supervisor..and he didn't scold me...he did give me some reminders though..he's so helpful and sweet. If only all surgeons are like him...hehe...
So, I got a happy start of the day, got to talk with my dearest, a smooth day with my supervisor...and lucky me...it lasted the whole day!!!
Need to do work now :p
Lalalala!!! I don't care! I'm a happy bunny!
