It's true what people say about being honest. There is such a thing as being too honest. There is such a thing as a 'white lie'. I hate dishonesty. I hate hypocrisy.
Simply put in a few words.
I hate it when people say things they don't mean.
Don't tell me you trust me when you actually don't.
Don't wish me a good time when you'd rather me sit at home feeling blue missing you.Don't ask me anything if you've already made up your mind about it.I just have to write this. I'm angry and frustrated, I know you are too. This happens too many times and I know it's usually better tomorrow. But it's not gonna be gone. This will keep coming back and will keep haunting us. People don't change, you're not gonna and neither am I.
I'm writing this down, to remind myself that this is what I'm feeling today. Cos I'll forget about it tomorrow and I know then I'll regret putting this post up.
This is what I've been thinking all day.
No, I didn't have fun today at the European market. There are very rare guilt-free day or nite-out or weekends with friends, cos I know you can't accept that this is who I am, this is how I live my life here.
I'm sorry I can't make you happy.
This is what happens when you give in to temptation...
A weird-ish day.
Didn't sleep well last night. Went out to a coffee place for live music and coffee last night.
Temptation won last night, I had one regular latte and I ended up having migraine,and couldn't sleep until about 3am, not until I had the dihydrocodeine my 'pharmacist' gave me...heheh.
Found a hole in my new jumper...I just got it yesterday!! Waited for that med school jumper for months...and I got the one with a hole in it. Damn it!
Thought I'd lost my parking pass. Then I had to park 5-10 minutes walk away from the hospital, and I was late to work.
Successfully inserted my first central line before the ward round....yayy!! There was a short period of self-congratulating before I was scolded by the consultant for missing the early bit of ward round and not being able to find the doctor's job book. Not my fault lah pakcik...someone else took it and was running around with it...isk.
Did a few mistakes here and there, 'scolded' by a nurse, referred as 'useless' by the consultant although he said it half-jokingly, it bites lah. huhuuu...:(
Half-inserted a chest drain, didn't get to finish it cos I was too scaredy-cat to poke hard at someone's chest. Managed to make a decent hole until my finger was poking in between the ribs then I just can't seem to poke through the last bit of membrane. Turned out that guy's chest is extra difficult...and the registrar had a hard time too....that makes me feel a bit better...hehe
Stayed late...I was supppose to finish at 4 pm today. Stayed in till 6.30pm, hoping to get more things done...but ended up just sitting at the doctor's room listening to the anaesthetists and intensivists bitching about surgeons and medical people. Quiet funny lah, but when it goes on and on for almost an hour, it gets booorrrriiinggggg!!!
When I finally got home, parked my car...guess what I found underneath the driver's seat? My parking pass!! How on earth did that bloody thing got there also I don't know.
My 'entertainer' HL went back to Msia today for 2 weeks...so can't really knock on his door and kacau him :p. I could do with some laughter...huhu. Maybe can watch a DVD tonite. I need someone to make me laugh pleasee!!!!
Extremely hungry, but really no appetite. And no mood to cook either. Maybe will have maggi tonight.
I'm really in a weird mood now.
I think I'll sleep early. Will call Bee before I sleep...hopefully he's feeling better. My poor baby got the flu, and I didn't even get to say goodnight to him. *hugss*
*Yawwwnnnnnn**Lapar lah...*
Drying face mask
Somehow my fingers are itching to write. Eversince I had this broadband connection in my room. It's either downloading animes or watching them or reading blogs or writing them. Heh....timewasting ler...I know. But for now I'm just writing to kill time while waiting for my facemask to dry...heheh. Bought Lush face mask called 'Brazen Honey" to detoxify tired skin, especially when you've been neglecting them.hah. Thats what it says on the tin. More or less. WHatever lah...as long as I put an effort to take care of them, thats ok right? Mum would be happy if she knows her daughter is being sensible...heheh.
I think I'll call mama tonight. Kinda missing home. I hope she's feeling alright, and papa too. He had been having chest pain. Keep asking him to go and see the doc. Had the treadmill test and a few others, but all tests didn't find anything significant. Kinda relieved but it doesn't explain why he's been having the chestpain every so often. Antacids doesn't help either. I wonder if his naughty children are stressing him...huhu. Mama has been alright, I think. The new home helper has been a great relieve to them. At least they're having decent breakfast and dinner at home.
Shall continue reading about epidural tonight.
Had 2 cups of coffee today. And a bar of chocolate. And proud of it.Didn't get any chance to do arterial line today.A patient said to me today,
" My husband would never do that to me" when I attempted to put a drip into her arm...3 times...success at the 3rd attempt.
I know, I'm sorry dear but your husband didn't even realise that you've been so breathless that you haven't been up the stairs for months. I didn't say that to her though.
Weeeee!!! My face mask is all nice and dry.
I think
I think I need to read more.
My general knowledge is so blekkk.
I think I need to get a shower and lie on my bed.
I think I'm becoming too obsessed with food...hehehh.
I think MRSA is annoying.
I think alcohol hand gel is fantastic.
I think my hands are getting more wrinkly. (Cos I've been generous with the alcohol gel:p)
I think RTA(road traffic accidents) are horrifying and depressing.
I think people on the road should be more careful.
I think people should really value their lives (and other people's) more.
I think I should talk more and think less.
All day bla bla
WorkWent out of the house at about 7am. Barely concious, my body aching like a 100 yrs old osteoporotic lil ol lady. Damn stairs...I fell flat on my non-existent bum last Saturday, just after shower, still sleepy from the meds, somehow I missed a step and went down like an overipe nangka. Now I felt like I've beaten all over.
Handover started at 7.30am, continued with ward round until about 1pm. Wahhh...my back sangat sakit! and my legs...I can't even cross my legs without wincing.
Still can't put in arterial line. I can't even put it in the radial let alone in the foot! Sigh...hopefully will get one by the end of this week.
Observed and sort of assisted a tracheostomy being done. Hopefully will get to do that someday...looks kinda cool...heheh.
Learnt that if I went into labour, choose only between epidural or the pool. "It's wonderful!!" said one of the anaesthetist who just gave birth. She chose the pool.
Thanks..I'll keep that in mind.Went home feeling totally wiped although I didn't do anything the whole day.
Off workWent to check my laundry in the hospital accomodation...still a bit damp. Had dinner there as HL already cooked extra and I don't feel like cooking at home anyway. Wasn't really hungry, but had quite a lot in the end :p
Went home, watched Hollyoaks...which is so depressing. They killed off 4 characters in one scene!!! WTH!
Now contemplating doing some work...I should really do some studying. Being the most junior in an intensive care unit makes me feel really useless cos I'm not really contributing anything.
Will make an effort to read a few more pages of that novel I started last week..'A Short History of Tractor in Ukrainian'.
I want to watch animeToday, I'm thankful that:1. I'm still alive, well and still have my family, Bee and my friends.
2. I got free dinner.
3. I learnt some things at work.
4. I found out that I made a correct diagnosis on a patient last week.
5. I got to talk to Bee before he sleeps.
6. I managed not to drink coffee...but I had chocolate.
7. I got a nice med student with me to keep me company.
Tomorrow, I shall:1. Try to get an arterial line in.
2. Try to get more practical procedures done..maybe a central line.
3. Still try not to have coffee...and chocolate....hehe
4. Try to teach the med student something useful.
5. Study something...heheh
Dog world
Haven't done this for more than half a year now...but kinda missing it...writing just whatever comes to mind without really planning what to say.
Tiring..it is...planning. Plan than predict what will happen...hoping than putting your efforts into things...and sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you don't. Life is not about reaping what you sow. That's just what adults say to children so that they work and have hope in life. When you work hard at something, you want something in return, something in your favour. It doesn't always work like that. You'll get what is destined for you, and you're supposed to make the best out of it. It is not fair for most people who work so hard at something. Old news flash!!! LIFE ISNT' FAIR.
Maybe that's why I lost my drive to fight...I was ambitious once upon a time. hehe...was a great era for myself. I called it era because everything was so clear to me, what I want in life, what I want to do and what I want to become. Everything was planned down to every single detail. It was great, having all your life planned out, and all turned the way you want it to be. I am exactly where I wanted myself to be. All as planned. It wasn't too difficult up to this point, but it was tiring.
I guess I just have to admit it to myself I'm becoming mellow. I want to be happy with what I have now, and enjoy my life to the fullest.It's not bad at all this...motivation, having ambition..it's all what makes us human.
The thing is, all this obsession about having ambition in life sometimes takes out the joy that you're supposed to experience while achieving that goal of yours. People look down on others who are not as ambitious as them. Are they really lesser than those who are? Can't we just be happy with what we have?
I suppose we can't...just because that's how God created us...we have lust. The lust to have more and more and nothing will make us content until we get what we don't have. It is supposed to be a good thing, having this ambition, to drive you forward so that you can improve yourself to be a better person than you were before. But I'm afraid this thing called success comes in a package. If it means I have to be ruthless to achieve success...I don't think I want it. "It's a dog eat dog world" is what one of my friend said...and everytime she said that it sends shivers down my spine.
Wondering why I'm thinking all this?
I just successfully entered that "dog-eat-dog world".
I'm scared shit.
