SIZE4

Beautiful

I was asked a lot of questions last night. But this question stuck in my mind.

"What did you learn from your previous relationship?"

My answer came up like a reflex...

"To value myself more..."

I surprised myself when I said it out loud. The memories flooded back into my mind, forcing me to judge myself..how I value myself back then, how I degraded myself to a point that I felt to so unworthy of anyone's love that I have to endure that kind of relationship just to be with somebody. Just to be an 'anything' not even a 'someone' to somebody...if that make any sense.

*NO...no...I am not being sorry for myself..not anymore...I am just doing a bit of self-reflection..(best done after sahur...when I had too much to eat and feeling sleepy but can't sleep cos had too much to eat..haha :p) *

Anyway, I was thinking back...the things that I had done to win his heart...up to a point where I was so desperate that I tried to make him be dependant on me. I cooked, cleaned, iron his clothes, etc...be at his beck and call anytime of the day. At that time I felt he is worth all the efforts and sacrifices I have made, and I was willing to do more. I had the lowest opinion about myself...I didn't have any pride left in me at that time to see how low I have become.

Not gonna dwell too much on it...3 years worth of self-destruction. I did a lot of self-reflection...especially when I was in that dark-hole. It always made me feel depressed, and I despised myself for allowing myself to become that low. The thing that made me more disgusted with myself was I refused to come out of it. Blinded by love? that's what my friend said..but I wasn't blinded..I saw what was happening, I saw my own 'death', I was obsessed with whatever I saw in him...I think :p Sounds like a psychopath, but oh well...this is me being honest with myself.

Now, thankfully...I can look back at all that and think... "I came out out from that hole as a person who value herself more" I am still not at the point of loving myself so much that I can just be alone and happy...I don't think I can reach that level...that fact I have accepted...painfully of course (since I always thought myself as an independent girl). I am still independant in my own way, I don't need hundreds of friends around me, a few close and dependable ones are enough...but having someone that loves me unconditionally made me realised that I am worthy of love. I still sometimes feels the need to earn it...but I know this is not some kind of prize that I have to slave myself for. This, I hope, is meant for me. As simple as that.

In a way, I am very thankful to be given this lesson *not thankful to that *%$&*&% tho* because it gave me the nudge to change, to value myself more and to love and appreciate the people around me. I can't do it by myself...I didn't reach this stage by myself...I'm blessed with a loving family, good friends and a special someone who made me realise the worthy person I could be.

*You are beautiful*

posted by miniME @ 5:05 AM