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Matahari

Kenapa kalau kita mencari, tak pernah berjumpa apa yang dicari.

Kadang-kadang, ape yang kita minta, Allah tak kasi. Instead, Dia bagi something else yang kita tak nak, and mungkin yang diberikan itu lagi baik dari ape yang kita minta.

Text dari seorang kawan:

Kadang2 Allah hilangkan sekejap matahari,
kemudian Dia datangkan pula guruh dan kilat.
Puas kita menangis mencari mana matahari kita,
rupa-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi yang indah...

Masa-masa frust camni, it doesn't help that much other than giving hope. It doesn't lessen the pain, humiliation and anger that I'm still feeling at the moment. It has been three months and it still feels like yesterday.

Kenapa tak move on? I'm trying, I'm trying. I tried talking about it so much in the hope that I'll get sick of it. I tried crying so hard I got blurred vision for a week, hoping that I'll run out of tears. I still cried myself to sleep at night sometime. I tried not talking about it at all, I became too quiet and melancholic then.

I give up trying to be strong. I've always been the strong one, I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted. I want to cry, I want to be held, I want a hug, I don't want to be strong. When you're strong people always run you down and expect you to be able to rise and pick up the pieces because you are supposed to be strong.

But I know I have to. There is no one who will pick up the pieces for me. I'll have to find my missing link, maybe I'll find it, or it will find me. Either way, I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it.

***********

SO much work to dooo!!! MY elective project I haven't started, not even a bit. Need to start on my CV as well. Have not decided where to apply for job. Do I say up north? or do I go down to England? I love it up here, but there is too much painful memories. I need a fresh start. I need somewhere where I can start a new life.

Going to KL in weeks. Only for 6 days. A friend is getting married, and my cousin is getting engaged! My cousin is only 22. Mama and papa had a debate just now about should engagement be necessary. I don't think engagement is such a good idea if they don't plan on getting married yet. I won't say much about this just yet, because I won't know until my time comes. I just hope my cousin did not do this because he feels that he's got to. He's a good guy, any girl would be lucky to end up with him. Decent guys are a rarity these days, no wonder girls are so quick to get married/engaged once they find the "right one"(whatever that means).

My sister said; Bertunang tak menghalalkan ape2 pun...exactly what I thought as well. But who are we to say anything when jodoh di tangan Allah. Maybe for some, pertunangan tu yang menguji relationship sebelum berkahwin(trial period kata org), if that is necessary to lead to marriage, then who are we to judge? What I don't really agree is pertunangan untuk mengikat, to reserve, nak cop dulu, whatever you call it. But hey, then again, who are we to judge?

A lot more to say in this thing, but head is so congested. Sleepy and hungry. Weird combo. Need to take money tomorrow, need to buy laptop. Yayyy!! can't wait!!

posted by miniME @ 1:51 AM