SIZE4

Lesson 1

Exam over. Or is it? Result is not out yet...don't be too comfortable yet, afterall I did sigh too loudly with irritation in my breaking bad news station. whatever. i need this vacation! don't care if I deserve it or not. Not really a holiday tho, elective to start, decisions to make, where to work? life or career? why does it have to be mutually exclusive? how do I know?

well, i don't. i'll just have to find out for myself. Make my own mistake rather than learning from other ppl's mistake...seemed to be doing a lot of that recently...don't know why. Must be my subconcious mind trying to tell me to grow up and stop relying on other people to make me happy.

What do I think makes me happy? Money?don't have that. A boyfriend or boyfriends?..ditto. A distinction for exam? fat chance. What should make me happy? family..got a very loving and supportive one. Friends..not a lot..but very dear and wonderful ones. Hope? definitely got that. My problem, is, I am not happy with myself..then how can I be happy with anyone else..or at all? Just realized this a few minutes ago...when I try to think back..when was the last time I am truly happy with myself?

I CAN'T REMEMBER!!

I'm happy when someone tells me I'm sweet or pretty, and I'm a good friend. Then when the phone calls stopped for a few days..my mind began to wonder. Why doesnt my friends call me? Did I say anything to offend them? Did I came across too needy? Don't they like me anymore? Why am I thinking this way? Why am I so insecure inside? Why do I keep driving people away? These are the people who actually likes me at the beginning...then somehow when I start noticing that they like me, I began trying too hard to keep them happy. A lot of things I have to learn about myself...I can't do it alone.

Someone is helping from above...HE's teaching me something about life..I can't figure out what precisely. I guess HE''ll give it in small chunks...and I'll have to put all the pieces together myself. Now, the first lesson. Am learning something, but still can't understand why does it have to be that way. I know I'll get another lesson, but I hope I'll be more prepared next time. There's nothing worse than coming to lectures without having any idea of what's it gonna be about (haha! speak for yourself!). I'm so lucky..I have my family and friends who are so wonderful and supportive. I need to figure out what this is about...before the next lesson comes!!

I wonder how will the exam be like

posted by miniME @ 6:26 PM