SIZE4

Why blog?

Why did I decided to start blogging? Why would I want other people to know my innermost thoughts, my joy, anger, humiliation and pain?

I was a very private person (still am in some way), I never reveal to other people what I think, I don't like people to know what I'm thinking because I feel that they would know my weakness and I don't like to be perceived as vulnerable and weak. I don't want people to know what is happening with me or what had happened to me because I don't like people analyzing my life.

I feel that the recent 4 years of my life was unknown to a lot of my family/friends. Those are the years that I've been hiding from people. I made the most mistakes, I cried more in those 4 years than I've ever cried in my whole life put together. But during that time I also learnt the most about love, trust, and myself. I wish I can say that I learnt about boys/men/women, but I don't think I can ever understand them. Geez, I don't even understand myself.

So, when I got the big D(dumped!) I felt lonely. I felt that my life went by unnoticed.
I wake up, go to wards/clinic/library. Meet some people, say hi, chit-chat a bit, then byebye.
Go home, have dinner, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in student hall, so I didn't have any close housemates. I've a got a few close friends, and 2 of them I called almost everyday, and another one I saw almost everyday(u know who you are, thank you v. much NIMO,WS and KM! hehe). I know I've got a very supporting family and friends, but I couldn't help feeling that something/someone is amiss. There's so many things that I wanted to tell and share, but I couldn't dump it all on my friends, they've got their own life too.

Then, a very dear friend(love you KM!) suggested that I should start reading blogs. Just to forget my own problems for a while, to know about other people's lives, how strong they are, how funny life can be. I was sceptical at first as I didn't really like the idea of telling the world about your life/private/innermost thoughts. I thought it's only for people who like the limelights, mencapub (mencari publisiti) kata orang...hehe(sorry!!somebody ketuk my kepala!..). I just brushed the idea aside for a few days, till KM sat me down and put her laptop in front of me. She opened a few blogs and let me read it. After a reading a few entries, I was hooked! I had no idea people (who are not journalist/writer) can write so well, and it never fails to amaze me how similar my life is to some people. Luckily I didn't have my own internet connection in my room at that time or else, I would probably be in UK just now doing my re-sit.

KM suggested that I should blog, just to vent out my feelings and thoughts at that time. I was really down, crying all the time, and to top it all my most important exam was just about a month away. I didn't have the luxury of time to nurse my broken heart, I needed an outlet to express my frustration. I let it out on a few friends, but I can't keep dumping my frustration on them all the time. I toyed with the idea of blogging for a few days, I wasn't confident about putting my feelings in writing because I fear it would come out as a joke, too corny, too planned if you know what I mean. I did edit my first few entries like hundreds times(just to exaggerate), because I kept rereading it, finding flaws in it, like, oh..too corny...or I sounded like I was desperate, or stupid..or something along that line. But then, I realised that the sincerity of my writing was decreasing the more I edited it. Now, I try not to read my blog(although I still do sometimes). If my thoughts are to be put out for the world to know, I want it to be sincere.

I know, by putting my thoughts/life out in the open, my life will be constantly analyzed. I want it to be that way now, I need help. I need some guidance, because now I know it is easier to see faults or blessings when you're seeing it from an outsider's/stranger's perspective. I'm counting my blessings now, and I know I should be grateful. The Guy up there have been very generous to me and I shouldn't be asking 'why me?' too much. I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

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Didn't realise it's already 1.30 am. I need to wake up before 6 am, tomorrow, papa wants to go jogging. Poor papa, had chest pain for quite sometime, quite a scare. Doctors (including the two perasan doctors, me and little sister) said he need to do more exercise. As a result, the whole family have to go too...isk...would be fun, although my sister and I may be a bit grumpy for a few hours..haha!

ok...nite nite

posted by miniME @ 1:32 PM