What do I do now?
I have to confess, I MISS WORK!!
I miss my routine morning coffee.
I miss the green scrubs.
I miss my stethoscope.
I miss the needles
I miss juicy fat veins
I miss the smell of alcohol rub...hmm...
I miss the beeping of the monitors
I miss the adrenaline rush whenever I hear the trauma calls
I miss signing off the prescription chart
I miss hearing patients/relatives saying thank you doc
I miss nice nurses and doctors
What I don't miss...
I don't miss ward rounds at all
I don't miss the bleeps
I don't miss not being able to sleep when I want to
I don't miss certifying death
I don't miss breaking bad news
I don't miss nightmare patients/relatives
I don't miss poking patient's eyes with green needles
I just miss being myself. It is difficult to identify myself without a job...it is quite ironic as I've been saying that it is just a job...which it still is...I just didn't quite realise how much I depend on it...(financially..goes without saying), but also for my own sanity and confidence. I definitiely do not want to be one of those people who breathes and lives because of their job...the only thing is I'm not sure if it possible to have a balanced lifestyle working here in Malaysia as a doctor. Maybe as a consultant or reg...but I have yet to hear a good word from any of my doctor friends here. LOADS of horror stories...yes...never a good word. Call me chicken, lembik whatever....but I am a person who cannot stand being bullied(not anymore) and I wish to love my job, not hate it to death. I either will shout back or cry if I'm shouted at (and apparently we are supposed to just stay as quiet as a mouse or only say you're sorry for whatever reason you're being shouted at). 8 months of that in Singapore and that was enough to send me packing to New Zealand.
I don't know if I can do that again...
*Life is just too short to be unhappy*
Love letters
It's spring cleaning today...well..for my room. I've got so much stuff in the room I don't know what to do with them. Getting things out from boxes full of stuff from childhood, teenage years...ahh....the years I can never call my own again. I found stacks of letters from primary school untili my pre-university years.
I was such a silly girl..I started getting love letters when I was in primary four or five I think. Hehe...I still got them my goodness...I read some of them today. Such innocent and sweet things these future cassanovas used to write when they were little....butter wouldn't have melted in their mouth. Handmade cards...very nice and creative. I wonder if kids these days still use their hands and brain other than for computers and books and studying.
Then there are letters from my dear friends...in secondary school, then pre-uni...I surprised my self, I forgot how many friends I had then...how close I was to them and how friendship used to be so simple without any agenda. How did we grow so far apart, life slowly took us away from each other. Decision we took somehow lead us to different places...and by God how different it is. Didn't realise how we can become strangers...we didn't even say goodbye as friends. From friends...to just someone I used to know. I know I didn't try hard enough to keep my friends. After pre-uni, I left the country, had a totally different life and I know I changed 180 degrees. Well, I used to be nicer.
My perspective in life is marred by cumulative bad experiences...mine and others. I didn't realise how I've turned into this cynical little woman but yet still have this hope that I will eventually be content with what life have given me.
For now....I'll just keep going until something stops me.
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Throwing these stuff is the hardest. I couldn't bring myself to do it...so I just kept them in the boxes. Letters, cards, photos, notes, diaries...u name it, I have them..from priamry school until now. I manage to throw scraps of papers, some receipts from purchases I made donkey years ago, movie tickets ( literally have to force myself to do it...), old magazines and journals ( I saved more than half of them)...it's like throwing away pieces of my past...but it's not that easy and I'm not so sure that's what I want to do now.
*Listening to 'Everybody's Changing' while writing this*
A bundle of burden
I can't believe I've never read 'Little Women' before this...where HAVE I been???
I'm halfway there...please please don't tell me how Beth dies...she dies right?
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I'm in the middle of the City of Destruction....eerily quiet and deserted. Can't seem to see the way out, piles of rubbles everywhere....hazy and the smoke hurts my eyes. It's even more difficult to breathe, the air is so thick with dust and toxic gases...and what's that rotten stench? I puked...and puked all my guts. Disgusting...
As I lean forward to feel the stone in front I felt sharp stabs at the back, multiple stabs....sharp, piercing stabs. What (or who) the hell was that??? Thought I heard familiar voices laughing...maybe I'm paranoid. AM I?
My bundle of burden is getting heavier these days...thought I've unloaded the lot...but they keep piling in. I put some spring in my steps....climbing up and up...all the while thinking of the Celestial City build up in my mind.
WHy do we do that?? carry our burden and go through hell hoping the piles of crap we carry will help build our life in the future? Why don't I just let go of the bundle and run away? DON'T go to City of Destruction...find the happy place...LIVE NOW! is that impossible?
I'm still carrying it...not running..still climbing....holding on....maybe the Celestial City does exist....
There is no secret ingredient...
There's something about watching the same cartoon three times, and twice on the same day...
I LOVE KUNG-FU PANDA!!!I watched it the first time on the 1st day it was released in the land of Merlion. Then, my dad has been saying he wanted to watch that movie, so I bought the DVD for him. Managed to persuade my aunties to watch it today after lunch, so I sat with my two aunties and watched it for the second time...
"THERE'S NO CHARGE FOR AWESOMENESS OR ATTRACTIVENESS!" -PO-Then tonight....right now...my parents are watching the same DVD. It's still funny!! I love Jack Black!! He's so funny!! his personality and humour can really be seen in Po - the big fat panda :p
Now...watching it for the third time...haha... (
I need to get a job...FAST!!)
"ONE OFTEN MEET HIS DESTINY ON THE VERY PATH HE TAKES TO AVOID IT..." - MASTER OOGUAY-I sure hope I'm not running away or avoiding something...more like searching for something. Hmm...I sense melancholic thought coming...
stop stop stop"YESTERDAY IS HISTORY, TOMORROW IS MYSTERY...AND TODAY IS A GIFT... THAT'S WHY IT'S CALL THE PRESENT..." -MASTER OOGUAY-For the fear of becoming tv/movie/cartoon freak....I'm gonna stop memorising the cartoon lines.
I'm going back to bed and finish the book 'Eat, Pray, Love : One woman search for everything' by Elizabeth Gilbert. Full of wit and genuine wisdom from experience...I love this book so much that this is the second time I'm reading it this year. It's spooky...it's like reading about myself in the past and present....and maybe I'm reading my future too. Not saying that I'll leave my job and meditate for months in Indian ashram, learning Yoga and becoming vegetarian...and I pray I won't have to go through divorce and depression(I don't think I'm strong enough for that)...although I do really fancy taking off to Italy learning Italian, eating pasta, pizza and cheese...and maybe get myself a yummy Italian eye candy...hmmm...that's a thought... It's just the author really understand how vulnerable some woman can be, thinking that she is strong and independent, and knows what she wants in life...only to find that she is not all that.
To find balance in life, to find peace within myself...that's what I need now. Elizabeth Gilbert (the author) went to Italy, India and Indonesia to find her peace...which she did...
Marvellous and clever...this memoir. It really makes me want to EAT, PRAY AND LOVE!!! and TRAVEL!!! more and more!!!
Well...I'm no Elizabeth Gilbert...but this is my own journey...Scotland-Singapore-? what next?
Mosquitoes feast
I don't know if I just emit the smell of fresh sweet blood or something...I have been feasted on by mosquitoes morning day and night!! For the last 4 days!!! I have red blotches all over and they are insanely itchy. Maybe it's the all the chocolates and cakes and sweeties that I've been having lately...
Been fluey for a couple of days now..I hope it's not dengue...*touch wood* Fever...a bit, headache...yes, sore throat...yes, rash...no, bleeding...no, dizzy...a bit today...I'll give it a couple more days and see. To add more misery to my poor skin...Abubu the cat have been going crazy and super duper hyper when playing that he will happily jump on, scratch and bite anything, anybody and any parts of your body(or even head) that moves...crazy cat...but very cute, which means that he gets away with murder.
I have been shooting pictures at home for a couple of days now. Micro pictures of my dad's plants outside...a dear friend gave me this ring thingy to use with my Nikon to shoot micro pictures. It's suppose to enable me to get closer with my subject without losing focus. I'm just-born-new-baby to using DLSR camera and I haven't the faintest idea how to use photoshop, apart from some little things my friend attempted to teach me.
I love the micro ring thingy....I can get sooo close to the subjects!!
I wanted to post the photoshop-ed pictures here....but somehow the images are not saved under jpeg...hmmmm....I'll have to work this out. I'll need to look through photoshop online tutorials..bleeghhh...
And I also need to find a software to watermark my photos. The last time I posted photos, I found someone else using MY PHOTO in their blog!! not that I'll make any money from that particular shot, but ssheezzz..it's mine.
Anyways...I'll just put on a couple of raw images here...
This is actually some moss on my dad's bonsai plant pot...
This is just about size 1:1 photo I think...not really sure if it's in focus
Practice...practice....
I would love to put more photos, but somehow my laptop is superslow and I'm on the verge of chewing off the cable now...I really need to fix this laptop...sigh...if only I can find the recovery CD...bleghh...
*Am going for a pedicure and massage tomorrow...yay!!*
In my own bed
Three years ago, I was introduced to the blogworld by a dear dear friend, KM. It was during my darkest time. I was young and had always thought that if I am good, life will treat me good as well. And then, I was welcomed to the real cruel heartless world, emotionally beaten and betrayed...I had a hard time making sense of a lot of things. Like any normal girl who just got heartbroken for the first time, I thought nobody else could understand what I was going through. So, KM put her laptop in front of me and persuaded me to read some blogs, written by her friends and from there I started blog-hopping. I thought it's quite nice to have these kind of outlets just to vent off your feelings and share your experience with friends and even total strangers. And it feels good to know that there are other people who are on the same boat as you...and to know that they pulled through whatever deep shit they were in.
So I started blogging. On and off depending on how happy or how miserable I feel....hehe..well I am human and allowed all this mixed feelings yeah..
Now. I don't write as often as I'd like to. Well...you won't see my entry updated everyday, every month of the year... but once in a while I'll have things I have to get out of my chest and for me writing it down seems to help in some way.
Anyone who has read my previous entries will agree with me on this one...I AM A SUCKER when it comes to relationship! For the past 6 years I had four relationships and I have failed all of them. I have learnt some things from each one...but there are some mistakes that I tend to repeat over and over again. I've got some self-evaluation to do...and I think now is a good time as any. I have to remain alone and single for a while to find myself...I tend to get lost when I am in any relationship with anyone. That's normal I guess, we always choose to be with people who make us feel better about ourselves, oblivious to anykind of fault.
Believing the best of people and their potential is my biggest weakness. I don't have any prejudice towards anyone, I trust people too easily and blindly a lot of the time...to my own detriment. Not fully knowing the person, I created my own picture of the person I want to be with, build him up in my mind, I fell in love with my own creation. I was blinded to the real person inside, therefore repeatedly become the victim of my own optimism.
Foolishly I am still optimist...although I keep telling myself to grow up and get real.
Now, please...this heart of mine...be wise, be strong.******************************************************************I started writing this entry with the intention of giving myself reasons to go public with my innermost thought. Petty or superficial it may seem sometime, I don't care. It's my blog, my thought, my crap. I kinda went off path it seems...
akhh well....I closed another chapter of my life today. One relationship ended, left one job, made many friends and left them behind. I brought with me only memories...bitter and sweet...embraced them all the same. I have lived 8 months of a different kind of experience that I doubt I'll ever live again.
Now I'm back home. The whole 8 months that has just passed felt like a dream now. Now that I'm lying down in my own bed, in my own bedroom that has always been mine since childhood, I felt all the innocence and hope once again. I'm still grieving for the lost, unreturned love, but I'm optimist that with time I will be fine and happy.
So, now while listening to Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat...I am healing...and counting my blessings.I love my room!!!!
Good pain, bad pain
"In life there is no intermission people!!!"I was just quoting from 'Friends' when Chandler was left alone watching a one-woman play about a bitter old woman.
Don't you wish sometime we have intermission in life?
Well, sometime I do. Especially when it comes the time when I go all crazy and needy, and I can't stop myself from doing the things that I know will regret. Soon enough, I get hurt, feeling miserable and depressed. Then, I wish the world will just come to a halt and let me heal myself. But it doesn't. Other people lives go on, they moved on and left me behind, struggling to get back on my feet.
I can be the biggest idiot in the world.
I hope I won't end up a bitter old woman...
*Slap own face*Pain feels good now....****************************************************************
On other note, I went for a Swedish massage the other day. I got a voucher for a free Swedish massage from the credit card company, and it sounds quite appealing. 45 minutes of Swedish back massage and back scrub with aromatherapy steam bath..for free...sounds good to me.
Well, it wasn't that great. The masseur is a middle-age Chinese lady who hardly speaks English. I was secretly hoping it'll be a Swedish massage from a Swedish person :p ...yeah right...Anyway, she started the massage, asking me if I want the pressure to be soft, medium or hard. Well...this is just my second massage and I had quite a good but insanely painful massage from a Balinese lady. So played it safe and asked for a medium pressure.
It felt like she's just tickling me. So I asked for a hard massage. Frankly I was a bit dissappointed. It was a nice massage but not great. If it's good I would be making weird noises and I would go home feeling satisfied....hehe :p
My first massage on the other hand was great. It was back home in this nice little Balinese-style spa run by 3 very nice Balinese ladies. They used to work in Bali and they know their stuff. I had a Balinese back massage and it was so painfully good I almost cried...hehe. I came back the next day for a herbal steam bath and Balinese-style body scrub with Bali coffee...hmmm...very veryyyy nice smelling that I wanted to eat my own arm after that. It is so good I'm not kidding, I'm definitely going back.
I want another massage!!!
