Her smile...
She's left this world....
I just got the news today.
I haven't seen her for years, at least 4-5 years. She's my childhood friend, from primary school. We weren't the best of friends, but we were close. We were more like rivals, we liked the same boys, we competed for the best grades, who was more popular, who is more likable. We never fought as such, but it was just unspoken rivalry between us, but then it made us grew closer somehow.
She was more popular than me among the boys I suppose. She's really pretty and sweet, huge dreamy eyes, rosy pink cheeks, merry laughter....and oh what a flirt she was back then. I used to envy her because of of her confidence with boys which I never had. I was the nerdy plump one with acne attacks all the time. I know she used to envy me for my grades...like I said, unspoken rivalry.
One of the most memorable thing with her is how dreamy she was. She used to tell me of her imaginary friends, well...not really friends but more like imaginary prince charming who apparently comes to her every night serenading her and asking for her hand in marriage. Mind you, we were 11 years old at that time. Everyday, she would update me of what happened to between her and that prince,and how she was given the title "Princess" and eventually got married with the prince and became "Queen". I half-believed her just because she was so passionate about it and she even came to school wearing a gold ring on her finger. Her wedding ring.
She was deliriously happy for a while after that, and I was secretly envious of something which I know deep in my heart was not true.
A few months after that...things went wrong for her. She complained of headache all the time. She pulled her hair sometime when people are not looking. She told me the prince has stopped coming to see her, and he's angry at her for something. She cried sometime when she talked about it. Being me at that time, I thought she's just being her dramatic self. I just listened to her half-heartedly.
She stopped coming to school. Nobody knows what happened to her. I asked her brother (who I had crush on at that time too) what happened to her. He just said she's not well. I remembered I visited her in the hospital once,but I really couldn't remember why she was admitted to hospital at that time, I couldn't understand even if somebody did explained to me back then. All I remember is she had a headache.
After a long school break, I went back to school, she never came back. I visited her once in a while at her house. She was bald then, in the wheelchair....she couldn't speak properly...her speech was slurred...although she recognised me. She still had her sweet smile, her cheek still rosy, she was still pretty in my eyes back then. Her mum was always in tears when I was there. I didn't know how to react, I didn't know how was I suppose to talk to her, I didn't know what to say to her...I couldn't even cry. I couldn't see her as my friend at that time, she was a different person, I felt horrible for not knowing how to talk to her. She just smiled and laughed like nothing happened to her.
After a few visits, I just stopped coming to her house. I couldn't face her, I couldn't face her mum. I felt somehow guilty for going to school when she couldn't, for having other friends, for continuing with my life when she was trapped in her own body, in that wheelchair. I hate the feeling of feeling sorry for her, I don't know if she wanted me to feel sorry for her. The girl I know was a proud girl. I asked about her from her brother once in a while, the answers were always the same...no change.
I never fully understood what happened to her. I had my own theories, but somehow I never could muster the courage to ask her mum or her brother what happened to her.
After that, life goes on, I went away for my studies. Until about 4 years ago, I came back for a summer break. I saw her again, at the airport with her family. She still looks the same as she did about 9-10 years ago, when I last saw her. Her cheeks less rosy, but her smile still as sweet as that little girl I used to know. She even remembered my name....bless her. I thought all the training in medical school would equip me with the skills to talk to her and to her mum. No...I was still the coward little girl I used to be, I couldn't find anything to say to her, or her mum. Just the superficial 'how are you' and etc etc...I felt remorse for not being able to say anything else. All those years of guilty feelings came back...and there's no way for me to say how sorry I was for not being there for her.
Today, I received a message from a mutual friend. She passed away, last Saturday at 1830 hr. I still didn't have the guts to ask what was it that took her life away...
For a dear friend...
There's so many things I wanted to say to you,
For all these years I didn't see you,
I never once forget your sweet smile,
I'm truly sorry for being a coward,
I'm sorry for not being there for you,
All I can give you now is my prayer,
I pray you'll rest in peace
I hope you'll find your Prince there...
and may Allah bless your sweet soul...Amin.
posted by miniME @ 11:14 AM
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