Wednesday, February 27, 2008

In pursuit of happiness

My life took an unexpected turn this week. Big risky move, which I'm not foreign to, but this is a almost irresponsible of me. Yep....call me irresponsible....
I'm beginning to listen to my own heart.
We talked about life, love and dreams. Passionate and a dreamer, yet honest and true to his word. He amazed me with his passion and love for life, his hazel eyes becoming warm and intense when he talked of his dreams, the corner of his mouth slightly twitched and broke into a huge honest smile. He loves his life, his freedom and what he does. He is living his dream, I almost envied him for that.
What I'm doing now was my dream too, I just don't know if this is what I truly want for life. I think I can have that kind of passion like he does, I need to learn to love my life now. I know it's somewhere there, my love for life.
I want to be in love again, to have happiness flowing out of me. I didn't think I'd be capable of that anymore, my heart is becoming too cold and hard. I didn't shed a single tear when I broke a heart or two, I felt the remorse and regret....maybe tears of loss but not of sadness. I am not sad now at all, nor that I'm happy. I have just realised that my heart have never recovered from what happened years ago, I still feel the hate and anger when I think about it. I really don't know how to forgive and forget that pain and loss I felt.
He opens my heart a little bit. No, I'm not in love...not just yet. I'm beginning to understand my own feelings and intuition. There have been a lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation of feelings and emotion. Fondness does not equal to love. Attraction is not love. It's too easy to say you love someone and actually forgot the meaning of it when it is said too often, too carelessly. I have been guilty of that. I don't wish to say it so easily anymore.
"Happiness is a state of mind"
What I'm doing now, everything that i'm doing now is in pursuit of happiness. If happiness is really just a state of mind, am I wasting my time/energy chasing after something that might not actually mean anything at the end? What I learnt from my 26 years of '?meaningless chase'...happiness is a journey of life. That's true for me anyway, I always look back to my past and thought..."gosh...I was happy back then..." not all of it, but big chunk of it. But why...being the ungrateful idiot I was and probably still am, I never really enjoyed the moment until it passed by me.
So that's what I'm doing now... enjoying a good company and having a good time. Maybe it is something...maybe it's not, but that doesn't matter.
PS : KM I miss you!!!!

2 Comments:

At Wednesday, February 27, 2008 9:09:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At Friday, February 29, 2008 3:32:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoy THE moment !!! Happy memories keep the past ever present.. I miss you too lah sista!!

KM

 

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