SIZE4

Then...life happened...

2010-04-30T03:29:00.003+01:00

Hello me!! Hello world!!
I miss you...miss talking to myself...really I do...
The last time I blogged I was pretty excited about going to Aizat & Faizal Tahir concert, I was equally excited to blog about it afterwards...honestly i was! The concert was good...i sang along...really sang on top of my voice, my husband did too...although I wasn't really familiar with Faizal Tahir song. We had a lot of fun :)) I wish I knew more of their songs tho...
Life got more interesting since that night..lets see....

First...

I found out I got pregnant...yippeee...so excited and scared at the same time. We were really really excited..I guess I got overexcited more about getting a bump than anything else..I got myself a lovely maternity dress that very 1st week of finding out about the pregnancy. yea yea I know I wouldn't be showing until after 4-5 months. Anyway it was a wonderful feeling, thinking of how it would be...a lot of thoughts in my head at the time. Was not fond of the constant nausea and puking with the slightess smell of food esp onion...blueekkk... MEGA appetite I tell you I was eating for the whole football team :p

I was happy anyway :)

Then...about 5 weeks ago...

My sister had her baby!!! My first niece!! and I was there to witness the birth! It was the longest 24 hours ever....but really worth it. She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen...not only because I am the beautiful aunt...hehe...but really she sooooooo pretty and cute and adorable... I cried when the baby 1st cried..I was so lucky to be able to be there. My sister is a hero!!! All mums are hero....seriously. The whole process was really beautiful and painful at the same time....hehe. My BIL was there too and he was a happy daddy...couldn't stop smiling...such a beautiful family...

I miss my niece so much....I hope deep down she remembers me being there when she 1st open her beautiful eyes...

So far...good news eh...

Then...
I had my 1st scan with an obgyn. I was excited and also funny enough I was really really nervous and scared before that..I couldn't help thinking what if something's wrong with the baby. What if...

Do you know when you're so scared something bad would happen...then you kinda talk yourself out of the bad feeling and convinced yourself that everything is going to be fine....only to find out it's not fine at all? That your nightmare is coming true?

It was a missed miscarriage. The obgyn couldnt find a heartbeat and it looked like the pregnancy stopped at about 6 weeks...I was supposed to be 9 weeks at the time. The obgyn thought it might be a miscalculation and scheduled for a repeat scan the next week. But being in the medic world myself I knew it was a non viable pregnancy...I knew my nausea kinda stopped a few weeks ago...I told myself it was the new colostrum milk I had been drinking that stopped the morning sickness...

To cut story short...

I had misoprostol..a medication to get rid of the pregnancy. It was non viable and I could get infection if it's left too long in the uterus. Let me tell you it was the most intense crazy pain I've ever felt...I was on the verge of overdosing myself with pain medication by the end of the process which took about a week. I won't get into it...it was messy and traumatic for me. I had to go to the obgyn to help me...in short...instruments were involved.

Definitely physically and emotionally scarring...

I thought I should blog about it in more detail cos I know I would probably have selective memory about this and not ever remember it happening at all one day. I couldn't go into details here...really too messy...

Not that I don't want to remember about everything...I will always remember my unborn baby...I know it was not even a fetus then...but he was my baby. In my mind he was a boy..don't know why...I felt he was a boy. We didn't really mind if we get a boy or girl...but just a crazy maternal feeling I felt he was a boy who was gonna protect his parents and his little sister/brother...

Anyway, we were devastated...but life still goes on.

Mine feels static.

I am still at home...waiting for SPA to call me for interview. I haven't been practising for 5 months!!! Hopefulll my brain has not atrophied since then. Pleaseee not yet...

I feel:
1. Sad about my loss
2. Bored sometimes at home for lack of responsibility
3. Happy about all other blessings I have in my life :)))

Life is full of surprises isn't it?

It's a musical day

2010-02-10T05:50:00.007Z

Today, my simple aim is to listen to Aizat and Faizal Tahir's songs. Simple enough?

Maybe too simple and easy...make it "to memorise Aizat and Faizal Tahir's songs"? eheheee...dumdidumdidum

Apa mimpi?

Actually I'll be going to Konsert Satu Suara-Aizat & Faizal Tahir!!! Weee!!! Never a fan and never even heard of Aizat or Faizal Tahir until the recent Anugerah Juara Lagu early on this year. I find myself getting excited and surfing youtube listening to their songs. Not so in love with Faizal Tahir...he's too MJ for my taste...heeheee... He's got that 'I'm-so-in-love-with-myself' look....heyyy so judgemental eh....*maybe will change my mind after the concert...who knows?*

Definitely in love with this cutie's angelic voice - Aizat *melts my heart :)* That song Pergi and Kau Aku is definitely on top of my list. Kau Aku is such an addictive song I find myself listening to it over and over again ----> *and singing along on top of my voice..heheee...pray the next door neighbour is being more productive than me and is actually at work*

Siti Nurhaliza is apparently will also be making an apperance...I couldn't bothered to try and listen to her new songs cos they are too complicated and weird for my taste...same goes for her sense of fashion...teeeheeee.... I like her old songs tho, so much nicer and easy on the ears.

So now....what do I wear for the concert? I've never been to Istana Budaya, never been to any Malaysian concert ever. Skirt? dress? jeans and T-shirt?

I've been to Keane and Katie Melua's concerts, both held in Aberdeen when I was an FY1...that was awesome!!! I was already in love with Keane's songs... I was standing within arms length with Tom Chaplin, Aboy (my sort of adopted bro and also Keane's crazeee fan) and I were singing and screaming our voice out, so hyped up and excited we could get so close to them. Katie Melua's was really nice too, very soothing and her voice is just so beautiful...as she is. Aboy who was also in love with Katie Melua (and also Katie Holmes) at that time was also there...gazing at his unreachable dream girl...heheee...

Another concert I've been to was Elton John's in Singapore about 1-2 years ago *yeaahh!! Rathi (one of the MO) and I stood up and shook our booty, even though our consultant and registrar were there too...teeeheeeheee* Elton rocks!! He's amazing! I don't care if he swings the other way...he is definitely one of the greatest musician around.

I'm so hyped up now...I love live music!!

*listening to Bennie and The Jets*

....B B B B B Bennie and the jetssssssss....
(btw love Bennie and the Jets crazy dance scene in 27 dresses)

What do I do now?

2010-02-09T02:31:00.003Z

I have to confess, I MISS WORK!!

I miss my routine morning coffee.
I miss the green scrubs.
I miss my stethoscope.
I miss the needles
I miss juicy fat veins
I miss the smell of alcohol rub...hmm...
I miss the beeping of the monitors
I miss the adrenaline rush whenever I hear the trauma calls
I miss signing off the prescription chart
I miss hearing patients/relatives saying thank you doc
I miss nice nurses and doctors

What I don't miss...
I don't miss ward rounds at all
I don't miss the bleeps
I don't miss not being able to sleep when I want to
I don't miss certifying death
I don't miss breaking bad news
I don't miss nightmare patients/relatives
I don't miss poking patient's eyes with green needles

I just miss being myself. It is difficult to identify myself without a job...it is quite ironic as I've been saying that it is just a job...which it still is...I just didn't quite realise how much I depend on it...(financially..goes without saying), but also for my own sanity and confidence. I definitiely do not want to be one of those people who breathes and lives because of their job...the only thing is I'm not sure if it possible to have a balanced lifestyle working here in Malaysia as a doctor. Maybe as a consultant or reg...but I have yet to hear a good word from any of my doctor friends here. LOADS of horror stories...yes...never a good word. Call me chicken, lembik whatever....but I am a person who cannot stand being bullied(not anymore) and I wish to love my job, not hate it to death. I either will shout back or cry if I'm shouted at (and apparently we are supposed to just stay as quiet as a mouse or only say you're sorry for whatever reason you're being shouted at). 8 months of that in Singapore and that was enough to send me packing to New Zealand.

I don't know if I can do that again...

*Life is just too short to be unhappy*

Sad sad piggy

2010-02-05T02:37:00.004Z

Went to Maybank to activate my account which has been dormant for more than a year...truth to be told, I have been trying to close the account a few times but stopped by mum cos she thought I will need that account in the future.

Well, turns out she is right, I've been using HSBC account, very useful for overseas purpose, transferring money etc. Now that I'm back in Malaysia, I find that HSBC ATM machines is not as accessible as the local banks. So much for their slogan 'the world's local bank'...not as local as I thought..nevertheless it has been useful and I intend to keep it...just in case...teeheeheee...*?london?paris?new york?sydney?* the wonderer in me is still ALIVE!!! muahhahahaa!!

Anyway, went to KL central Maybank 2 days ago and activated the account. I still have RM 117.42 in the account...yeaaayyy...I wonder how long that will last...ahaha
Had a long stroll in Midvalley...reaaalllyy lonnnggg stroll...maybe about 4-5 hours..killing time while waiting for my darling to finish work. In the meantime killing my piggy bank as well (baju *check*, book *check*, lovely lace stuff *check*, coffee *check*, photo albums-not yet)...tsk tsk tsk...*haii...need to start working stat!...or else...*

It's Friday!!! lurve Friday cos tomorrow is Saturday :) tralalalaaaaa

Babble babble

2010-01-29T07:00:00.003Z

How time flies!! I intended to write about my wedding preparation, sort of a wedding diary ..whatever...bridezilla took over and I'm still hazy about what happened a month ago...hmmm..

29 days ago I got married. I still have to think about my status when referring him as my husband :p I feel goosebumps allover...the good ones :) I have not started work yet, haven't even look for one yet...therefore now I'm a housewife...hehe

Starting everyday with breakfast with my sweetheart is such a nice feeling...doesn't last long cos he'll be off to work. I'm left home trying to think of ways to be useful as a housewife...gosh..this is harder than I thought, to be left alone with my own thoughts. No patients to think about, nobody to prick and prod, no notes to write, no one to gossip about...

I love the kitchen stuff...but not so in love with the laundry and vacuum cleaner...hmmmphh

I'm so not a housebound girl...

Not easy. I'd rather be cutting people up and sewing them back together...blegh

Or I could learn to write properly and give JK Rowling a run for her money..teeheee

*just wait and see*

Pre-wedding post 1

2009-11-26T01:40:00.003Z

Welcome back me :) back from beautiful and lush windy New Zealand...back to beautiful and lush sunny Malaysia...

No writing for more than a year, I have so much to write I don't even know where to begin. For the past 3-4 years I have been living a nomadic life I can't even remember what I've done, faces I saw, places I've been...I never wanted to miss anything or anyone that I have left behind, so I tried not to get attached to anything or anyone. I said my goodbyes and that's it....that's the end of the adventure, and if our paths cross again one day...that'll be nice. If not...it's nice knowing you...we had nice memories and that's how it's gonna stay.

Now as like last year...I'm back to the only constant factor in my life...my own sweet home in little town in Sarawak. In my own little room which my parents has renovated for me and my new life. and back to my blog...which is always there when I come home.

Did I not mention I'm getting married? me...getting married :) I have been blessed in my life with all the opportunities to meet all the nicest people (and not so nice people :p) all over...and finally I found my soulmate. And he's my hometown boy...so mum is ecstatic..hehe...didn't I tell you I have been blessed? and so lucky to meet this wonderful man. Maybe another time...I will write more about him...for now I want to keep him all to myself...hehe

I really should be blogging more about what I've done....and where I've been. it's more for my sake, my memories have been failing me a lot...I can't keep up with my own life. I'm sure I've done a lot of things...I just can't recall them...hmmm....I should take more notice on things that's going on around me.

I already back to Malaysia for 3 days...and still recovering from some annoying viral illness that's bugging me for more that a week. Where did I get this bug? I ahve no idea... when my parents came over to New Zealand we were everywhere, in all kind of weather that NZ can throw at us...wind, rain, sun u name it...a bit of snow from afar....I fell sick after my parents left, I got back to work for another couple of days before flying back to Malaysia. Mind you a got a few bug bites in NZ while cleaning my house...I just hope Aedes don't breed in NZ..hmmm....

Need to get better to get on with the wedding plan. It's time to get things together and see it happening....teeheee....I'm a nervous bride...not bridezilla yet...but I haven't even started. God helps us when I turn into the green bridezilla...lets pray I don't come to that...hehe...
Got a few weddings to go to before my own...2 weddings next week and another one a week after that. I love weddings :) I especially love seeing the wedding dress and how the groom looks at the bride...hehe...mushy at heart eh...love is the greatest feeling of all afterall.

For me..I'm nervous and ecstatically happy, excited and anxious, hopeful and praying everything will be alright. All the mixed feelings...sometime it's easier to concentrate on just the wedding and not the marriage. Wedding jitters? don't we all get it? hehee...the wonderful thing is everytime I feel that way...I just look at the ring on my finger and think no matter how things go...things will be alright cos I know I'm with my partner in life. Life is more beautiful when shared with the people you love isn't it?

I'm turning into mush, I think I better go have my shower and get ready to go out. We're going for dim sum yay! there goes my wedding diet :p

Love letters

2008-09-13T09:25:00.006+01:00

It's spring cleaning today...well..for my room. I've got so much stuff in the room I don't know what to do with them. Getting things out from boxes full of stuff from childhood, teenage years...ahh....the years I can never call my own again. I found stacks of letters from primary school untili my pre-university years.

I was such a silly girl..I started getting love letters when I was in primary four or five I think. Hehe...I still got them my goodness...I read some of them today. Such innocent and sweet things these future cassanovas used to write when they were little....butter wouldn't have melted in their mouth. Handmade cards...very nice and creative. I wonder if kids these days still use their hands and brain other than for computers and books and studying.

Then there are letters from my dear friends...in secondary school, then pre-uni...I surprised my self, I forgot how many friends I had then...how close I was to them and how friendship used to be so simple without any agenda. How did we grow so far apart, life slowly took us away from each other. Decision we took somehow lead us to different places...and by God how different it is. Didn't realise how we can become strangers...we didn't even say goodbye as friends. From friends...to just someone I used to know. I know I didn't try hard enough to keep my friends. After pre-uni, I left the country, had a totally different life and I know I changed 180 degrees. Well, I used to be nicer.

My perspective in life is marred by cumulative bad experiences...mine and others. I didn't realise how I've turned into this cynical little woman but yet still have this hope that I will eventually be content with what life have given me.

For now....I'll just keep going until something stops me.

****************************************************************************

Throwing these stuff is the hardest. I couldn't bring myself to do it...so I just kept them in the boxes. Letters, cards, photos, notes, diaries...u name it, I have them..from priamry school until now. I manage to throw scraps of papers, some receipts from purchases I made donkey years ago, movie tickets ( literally have to force myself to do it...), old magazines and journals ( I saved more than half of them)...it's like throwing away pieces of my past...but it's not that easy and I'm not so sure that's what I want to do now.

*Listening to 'Everybody's Changing' while writing this*

A bundle of burden

2008-08-27T16:30:00.002+01:00

I can't believe I've never read 'Little Women' before this...where HAVE I been???

I'm halfway there...please please don't tell me how Beth dies...she dies right?

********************************************************************************

I'm in the middle of the City of Destruction....eerily quiet and deserted. Can't seem to see the way out, piles of rubbles everywhere....hazy and the smoke hurts my eyes. It's even more difficult to breathe, the air is so thick with dust and toxic gases...and what's that rotten stench? I puked...and puked all my guts. Disgusting...

As I lean forward to feel the stone in front I felt sharp stabs at the back, multiple stabs....sharp, piercing stabs. What (or who) the hell was that??? Thought I heard familiar voices laughing...maybe I'm paranoid. AM I?

My bundle of burden is getting heavier these days...thought I've unloaded the lot...but they keep piling in. I put some spring in my steps....climbing up and up...all the while thinking of the Celestial City build up in my mind.

WHy do we do that?? carry our burden and go through hell hoping the piles of crap we carry will help build our life in the future? Why don't I just let go of the bundle and run away? DON'T go to City of Destruction...find the happy place...LIVE NOW! is that impossible?

I'm still carrying it...not running..still climbing....holding on....maybe the Celestial City does exist....

There is no secret ingredient...

2008-08-07T14:38:00.008+01:00

There's something about watching the same cartoon three times, and twice on the same day...

I LOVE KUNG-FU PANDA!!!

I watched it the first time on the 1st day it was released in the land of Merlion. Then, my dad has been saying he wanted to watch that movie, so I bought the DVD for him. Managed to persuade my aunties to watch it today after lunch, so I sat with my two aunties and watched it for the second time...

"THERE'S NO CHARGE FOR AWESOMENESS OR ATTRACTIVENESS!" -PO-

Then tonight....right now...my parents are watching the same DVD. It's still funny!! I love Jack Black!! He's so funny!! his personality and humour can really be seen in Po - the big fat panda :p
Now...watching it for the third time...haha... (I need to get a job...FAST!!)

"ONE OFTEN MEET HIS DESTINY ON THE VERY PATH HE TAKES TO AVOID IT..." - MASTER OOGUAY-

I sure hope I'm not running away or avoiding something...more like searching for something. Hmm...I sense melancholic thought coming...stop stop stop

"YESTERDAY IS HISTORY, TOMORROW IS MYSTERY...AND TODAY IS A GIFT... THAT'S WHY IT'S CALL THE PRESENT..." -MASTER OOGUAY-

For the fear of becoming tv/movie/cartoon freak....I'm gonna stop memorising the cartoon lines.

I'm going back to bed and finish the book 'Eat, Pray, Love : One woman search for everything' by Elizabeth Gilbert. Full of wit and genuine wisdom from experience...I love this book so much that this is the second time I'm reading it this year. It's spooky...it's like reading about myself in the past and present....and maybe I'm reading my future too. Not saying that I'll leave my job and meditate for months in Indian ashram, learning Yoga and becoming vegetarian...and I pray I won't have to go through divorce and depression(I don't think I'm strong enough for that)...although I do really fancy taking off to Italy learning Italian, eating pasta, pizza and cheese...and maybe get myself a yummy Italian eye candy...hmmm...that's a thought... It's just the author really understand how vulnerable some woman can be, thinking that she is strong and independent, and knows what she wants in life...only to find that she is not all that.

To find balance in life, to find peace within myself...that's what I need now. Elizabeth Gilbert (the author) went to Italy, India and Indonesia to find her peace...which she did...

Marvellous and clever...this memoir. It really makes me want to EAT, PRAY AND LOVE!!! and TRAVEL!!! more and more!!!

Well...I'm no Elizabeth Gilbert...but this is my own journey...Scotland-Singapore-? what next?

Mosquitoes feast

2008-08-05T16:47:00.006+01:00

I don't know if I just emit the smell of fresh sweet blood or something...I have been feasted on by mosquitoes morning day and night!! For the last 4 days!!! I have red blotches all over and they are insanely itchy. Maybe it's the all the chocolates and cakes and sweeties that I've been having lately...

Been fluey for a couple of days now..I hope it's not dengue...*touch wood* Fever...a bit, headache...yes, sore throat...yes, rash...no, bleeding...no, dizzy...a bit today...I'll give it a couple more days and see. To add more misery to my poor skin...Abubu the cat have been going crazy and super duper hyper when playing that he will happily jump on, scratch and bite anything, anybody and any parts of your body(or even head) that moves...crazy cat...but very cute, which means that he gets away with murder.

I have been shooting pictures at home for a couple of days now. Micro pictures of my dad's plants outside...a dear friend gave me this ring thingy to use with my Nikon to shoot micro pictures. It's suppose to enable me to get closer with my subject without losing focus. I'm just-born-new-baby to using DLSR camera and I haven't the faintest idea how to use photoshop, apart from some little things my friend attempted to teach me.

I love the micro ring thingy....I can get sooo close to the subjects!!

I wanted to post the photoshop-ed pictures here....but somehow the images are not saved under jpeg...hmmmm....I'll have to work this out. I'll need to look through photoshop online tutorials..bleeghhh...

And I also need to find a software to watermark my photos. The last time I posted photos, I found someone else using MY PHOTO in their blog!! not that I'll make any money from that particular shot, but ssheezzz..it's mine.

Anyways...I'll just put on a couple of raw images here...

This is actually some moss on my dad's bonsai plant pot...

This is just about size 1:1 photo I think...not really sure if it's in focus

Practice...practice....

I would love to put more photos, but somehow my laptop is superslow and I'm on the verge of chewing off the cable now...I really need to fix this laptop...sigh...if only I can find the recovery CD...bleghh...

*Am going for a pedicure and massage tomorrow...yay!!*

In my own bed

2008-07-31T11:52:00.009+01:00

Three years ago, I was introduced to the blogworld by a dear dear friend, KM. It was during my darkest time. I was young and had always thought that if I am good, life will treat me good as well. And then, I was welcomed to the real cruel heartless world, emotionally beaten and betrayed...I had a hard time making sense of a lot of things. Like any normal girl who just got heartbroken for the first time, I thought nobody else could understand what I was going through. So, KM put her laptop in front of me and persuaded me to read some blogs, written by her friends and from there I started blog-hopping. I thought it's quite nice to have these kind of outlets just to vent off your feelings and share your experience with friends and even total strangers. And it feels good to know that there are other people who are on the same boat as you...and to know that they pulled through whatever deep shit they were in.

So I started blogging. On and off depending on how happy or how miserable I feel....hehe..well I am human and allowed all this mixed feelings yeah..

Now. I don't write as often as I'd like to. Well...you won't see my entry updated everyday, every month of the year... but once in a while I'll have things I have to get out of my chest and for me writing it down seems to help in some way.

Anyone who has read my previous entries will agree with me on this one...I AM A SUCKER when it comes to relationship! For the past 6 years I had four relationships and I have failed all of them. I have learnt some things from each one...but there are some mistakes that I tend to repeat over and over again. I've got some self-evaluation to do...and I think now is a good time as any. I have to remain alone and single for a while to find myself...I tend to get lost when I am in any relationship with anyone. That's normal I guess, we always choose to be with people who make us feel better about ourselves, oblivious to anykind of fault.

Believing the best of people and their potential is my biggest weakness. I don't have any prejudice towards anyone, I trust people too easily and blindly a lot of the time...to my own detriment. Not fully knowing the person, I created my own picture of the person I want to be with, build him up in my mind, I fell in love with my own creation. I was blinded to the real person inside, therefore repeatedly become the victim of my own optimism.

Foolishly I am still optimist...although I keep telling myself to grow up and get real.

Now, please...this heart of mine...be wise, be strong.

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I started writing this entry with the intention of giving myself reasons to go public with my innermost thought. Petty or superficial it may seem sometime, I don't care. It's my blog, my thought, my crap. I kinda went off path it seems...akhh well....

I closed another chapter of my life today. One relationship ended, left one job, made many friends and left them behind. I brought with me only memories...bitter and sweet...embraced them all the same. I have lived 8 months of a different kind of experience that I doubt I'll ever live again.

Now I'm back home. The whole 8 months that has just passed felt like a dream now. Now that I'm lying down in my own bed, in my own bedroom that has always been mine since childhood, I felt all the innocence and hope once again. I'm still grieving for the lost, unreturned love, but I'm optimist that with time I will be fine and happy.

So, now while listening to Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat...I am healing...and counting my blessings.

I love my room!!!!

Good pain, bad pain

2008-07-27T05:42:00.004+01:00

"In life there is no intermission people!!!"

I was just quoting from 'Friends' when Chandler was left alone watching a one-woman play about a bitter old woman.

Don't you wish sometime we have intermission in life?

Well, sometime I do. Especially when it comes the time when I go all crazy and needy, and I can't stop myself from doing the things that I know will regret. Soon enough, I get hurt, feeling miserable and depressed. Then, I wish the world will just come to a halt and let me heal myself. But it doesn't. Other people lives go on, they moved on and left me behind, struggling to get back on my feet.

I can be the biggest idiot in the world.

I hope I won't end up a bitter old woman...

*Slap own face*

Pain feels good now....

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On other note, I went for a Swedish massage the other day. I got a voucher for a free Swedish massage from the credit card company, and it sounds quite appealing. 45 minutes of Swedish back massage and back scrub with aromatherapy steam bath..for free...sounds good to me.

Well, it wasn't that great. The masseur is a middle-age Chinese lady who hardly speaks English. I was secretly hoping it'll be a Swedish massage from a Swedish person :p ...yeah right...Anyway, she started the massage, asking me if I want the pressure to be soft, medium or hard. Well...this is just my second massage and I had quite a good but insanely painful massage from a Balinese lady. So played it safe and asked for a medium pressure.

It felt like she's just tickling me. So I asked for a hard massage. Frankly I was a bit dissappointed. It was a nice massage but not great. If it's good I would be making weird noises and I would go home feeling satisfied....hehe :p

My first massage on the other hand was great. It was back home in this nice little Balinese-style spa run by 3 very nice Balinese ladies. They used to work in Bali and they know their stuff. I had a Balinese back massage and it was so painfully good I almost cried...hehe. I came back the next day for a herbal steam bath and Balinese-style body scrub with Bali coffee...hmmm...very veryyyy nice smelling that I wanted to eat my own arm after that. It is so good I'm not kidding, I'm definitely going back.

I want another massage!!!

Stupid fruit lady

2008-07-25T10:12:00.002+01:00

Well...did I say I'm going to the market to buy fruits?

Yes, I went to the market, to the place I usually went to. Unfortunately the fruit guy who knew me wasn't there today. Not that I'll get any special discount or anything fancy like that ( well...this is Singapore....every cents matters...), but at least I'll get a decent service. Anyway, it's one of the lady there...I was looking for a nice ripe dragonfruit. I barely touched the fruit when she snapped at me

Snappy fruit lady: Don't press press the fruit!!

Me: Err...ok, sorry.

Snappy lady continued to unpack fruits. I took one dragonfruit from the bottom pile which I wanted to buy. She snapped again...

Snappy fruit lady: Can you take from the top pile because everything will fall if you pick from the bottom!

I look at her with disbelief...

Me: So, now I can't even choose which one I want?

Snappy fruit lady: Yes you can...*sulk sulk*

Me: Do you have papaya?

Snappy lady: Yes, but it's in the box.

She turned her back and continued unpacking her stupid mangosteen...

I put down the dragonfruit and left....

WHAT THE ****???!!?

How to live the day for dummies

2008-07-25T02:54:00.002+01:00

Going through a day step by step.

Step 1
- Wake up and tell myself repeatedly it's going to be a good day.
- Drill it into my head and promise myself to treat ME well...
- Have some integrity and pride...respect myself more, and don't expect other people to do the same if I don't
- Stop pitying self and pick myself up
- Stop myself from putting to much trust in people
- Put on some music and sing!!!

Well...that's a lot to think about in the morning already.

Step 2
- Have a nice long hot shower
- Look self in the mirror and DON'T SQUEEZE THAT ANNOYING HUGE PIMPLE!!!
- Beutify self
- Go downstairs and have coffee

Now...I want some fruits

Step 3
- Go to the market and buy some fruits!

Be right back!!!

At lost

2008-07-24T12:27:00.001+01:00

The easiest way to lose something is to want it so badly.

I have nothing else to say...

Being a silly girl

2008-07-23T04:04:00.003+01:00

I know when I start blogging it means that I'm in self-pity mode.

Oooppss I did it again...

I fell in love and took an impossible path. I had foreseen this heartbreak and tears and there i went...I still did it anyway.

Now, it happened....the tears, the heartbreak..the ice cream, the chocolate....the works. It's funny how much you think you're prepared for this, when it actually happens, nothing...i mean NOTHING can prepare you for a break-up. The pain is still as bad as the first break up ever in your life.

I'm gonna try not to dwell. bla bla bla...I'm sad, it's over...I'm alone again..yada yada yada...same old story, now to write yet another chapter of my life.

My new life will not be in this cruel life-sucking country. If everything goes well I'll be making friends with sheeps in the land of plenty....yay!!
In a few days I'll be sitting for an English exam (ya..I know...sad...) and please please I'll pass and ace it and then hopefull by next 1-2 months I'll be jumping bridges, counting sheeps and doing the things I'm supposed to do..saving lives ^_^.

Tsk tsk...I'm supposed to be studying for this test..the problem is I don't know how to study anymore. How are you
suppose to study for English? I'm sort of doing it now...I suppose...aarrrgghh...I hate grammar...or is it grammer? :p

Damn, I feel so lost...

I'll write again...soon.

Sick sick....

2008-04-28T06:36:00.002+01:00

I've never fallen sick as often as I had since I started working in this effing country. When I was in UK never once I went to see my GP accept once to get my hepatitis vaccination. Sigh..sigh...it's all the stress and fatigue being overworked by these monsters. Now I call in sick at least once a month, and I really couldn't help it cos if I don't I'll be worked to death. I mean, I can still work with the flu and cough and runny nose and all...but with non-stop diarrhoea and vomitting? how do they expect me to do my work?
My immune system now is at its lowest point that its ever been. So is my motivation and passion for work and life. Question....what life?!
To stay for more than a few more months here would mean probably turning into heartless, soulless being or just simply committing suicide - mentally and literally. LOL

*walked all the way to work today, like I always have....trying hard not to puke or barf in the middle of the road....went straight to the hospital loo....called the consultant and told her I'm sick and going home...the first thing she said was..."sigh...go straight to A&E and get ur MC, hand over your cases to xyz"...ok...thanks for your concern....*

Shine

2008-04-05T04:34:00.002+01:00

Anger has consumed me these few days, I explode with just any stupid little raise of the eyebrow or smirk or comment....this is what they have reduced me to.

Breathe woman.....breathe.....

On the bright side....I WILL be having my well-deserved, long-fought-for 6 days holiday!!! yes yes...I'm going to go away...awayy....and I'm going to have a good time.

I like this song and the lyric is really lovely...

SHINE by Anna Lanick

Oh the night makes you a star
And it holds you cold in its arms
You`re the one to whom
nobody verses I love you
Unless you say it first
So you lie there holding your breath
And its strange how soon you forget
That you`re like stars
They only show up when it`s dark
Cause they don`t know their worth
And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead
Shine away shine away shine away
Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are
We`re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that`s who you are
And you`ve only begun to shine
There are times when the poets and pornstars align and
You won`t know who to believe in
Well that`s a good time to be leavin`
And the past knocks on your door
And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning
Well maybe he thinks it`s romantic
He`s crazy but you knew that before
And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are
We`re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that`s who you are
And you`ve only begun to shine
Yeah you`ve only begun to shine
Won`t you shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over
And I think you need to stop following misery`s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn`t it time you got over how fragile you are
We`re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that`s who you are
And you`ve only begun to shine
Yeah you`ve only begun to shine
Yeah you`ve only begun to shine
Yeah you`ve only begun to shine

Just ranting

2008-04-03T13:23:00.005+01:00

I've had it with these people. This island offers great oppotunities to grow, to learn...but my goodness the people here are just insufferable. NO respect for other people, no sense of humanity, they can't think for others at all. All they care is about money, name, recognition...to the point of being stupid and shameless...(I really meant stupid as in bang-head-on-the-wall STUPID)

There's no way I can understand how they think...they think alike...they don't mind being treated as slaves, they act like one. Yes of course they moan and complain, but no one does anything about it. It's like they are meant to do it and there is nothing wrong with the system.

Wake up people!!! Think!!! you've got brains!!!

I've been patient, tolerant...hoping that it'll get better...but no..no it doesn't. You don't have any rights here...no right for your own leave, your own days off....if you get your time off....it feels like they are doing you a favour, you should be on your hands and knees thanking them for their kind hearts relieving you from your time of slavery...while not forgetting that you are leaving the rest of the pack of slaves working forever more taking your share of the work ( guilt...guilt...guilttt.....). It doesn't matter if you've been working everyday of the whole month, with NO DAYS OFF!! No...you are expected to remain happy and blissfully satisfied with the crap they throw at your face. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE!!

I've had it. I'm not meant to work like this. They are a drone of stupid worker bees, working for the queen bee ( read *** ***** *****). What a bunch of losers...

Not only they don't use their brain, they are rude, ungrateful, no sense of humour, boring, selfish, backstabbers, hypocrits... just generalising here, but thats how most of them are.

I've opened my mouth..I gave them a piece of my mind...just a small little piece...and I've been marked...sort of...I guess they are not used to the worker bees thinking and having their own mind, and actually opening their mouth and saying "NO" to their face. "EAT MY SHORTS!" comes to mind...hah!

Just another few months...maybe 3 or four...then I'll leave this shitty country.

Where life and freedom actually means something....

Her smile...

2008-03-08T11:14:00.008Z

She's left this world....

I just got the news today.

I haven't seen her for years, at least 4-5 years. She's my childhood friend, from primary school. We weren't the best of friends, but we were close. We were more like rivals, we liked the same boys, we competed for the best grades, who was more popular, who is more likable. We never fought as such, but it was just unspoken rivalry between us, but then it made us grew closer somehow.

She was more popular than me among the boys I suppose. She's really pretty and sweet, huge dreamy eyes, rosy pink cheeks, merry laughter....and oh what a flirt she was back then. I used to envy her because of of her confidence with boys which I never had. I was the nerdy plump one with acne attacks all the time. I know she used to envy me for my grades...like I said, unspoken rivalry.

One of the most memorable thing with her is how dreamy she was. She used to tell me of her imaginary friends, well...not really friends but more like imaginary prince charming who apparently comes to her every night serenading her and asking for her hand in marriage. Mind you, we were 11 years old at that time. Everyday, she would update me of what happened to between her and that prince,and how she was given the title "Princess" and eventually got married with the prince and became "Queen". I half-believed her just because she was so passionate about it and she even came to school wearing a gold ring on her finger. Her wedding ring.

She was deliriously happy for a while after that, and I was secretly envious of something which I know deep in my heart was not true.

A few months after that...things went wrong for her. She complained of headache all the time. She pulled her hair sometime when people are not looking. She told me the prince has stopped coming to see her, and he's angry at her for something. She cried sometime when she talked about it. Being me at that time, I thought she's just being her dramatic self. I just listened to her half-heartedly.

She stopped coming to school. Nobody knows what happened to her. I asked her brother (who I had crush on at that time too) what happened to her. He just said she's not well. I remembered I visited her in the hospital once,but I really couldn't remember why she was admitted to hospital at that time, I couldn't understand even if somebody did explained to me back then. All I remember is she had a headache.

After a long school break, I went back to school, she never came back. I visited her once in a while at her house. She was bald then, in the wheelchair....she couldn't speak properly...her speech was slurred...although she recognised me. She still had her sweet smile, her cheek still rosy, she was still pretty in my eyes back then. Her mum was always in tears when I was there. I didn't know how to react, I didn't know how was I suppose to talk to her, I didn't know what to say to her...I couldn't even cry. I couldn't see her as my friend at that time, she was a different person, I felt horrible for not knowing how to talk to her. She just smiled and laughed like nothing happened to her.

After a few visits, I just stopped coming to her house. I couldn't face her, I couldn't face her mum. I felt somehow guilty for going to school when she couldn't, for having other friends, for continuing with my life when she was trapped in her own body, in that wheelchair. I hate the feeling of feeling sorry for her, I don't know if she wanted me to feel sorry for her. The girl I know was a proud girl. I asked about her from her brother once in a while, the answers were always the same...no change.

I never fully understood what happened to her. I had my own theories, but somehow I never could muster the courage to ask her mum or her brother what happened to her.

After that, life goes on, I went away for my studies. Until about 4 years ago, I came back for a summer break. I saw her again, at the airport with her family. She still looks the same as she did about 9-10 years ago, when I last saw her. Her cheeks less rosy, but her smile still as sweet as that little girl I used to know. She even remembered my name....bless her. I thought all the training in medical school would equip me with the skills to talk to her and to her mum. No...I was still the coward little girl I used to be, I couldn't find anything to say to her, or her mum. Just the superficial 'how are you' and etc etc...I felt remorse for not being able to say anything else. All those years of guilty feelings came back...and there's no way for me to say how sorry I was for not being there for her.

Today, I received a message from a mutual friend. She passed away, last Saturday at 1830 hr. I still didn't have the guts to ask what was it that took her life away...

For a dear friend...

There's so many things I wanted to say to you,

For all these years I didn't see you,

I never once forget your sweet smile,

I'm truly sorry for being a coward,

I'm sorry for not being there for you,

All I can give you now is my prayer,

I pray you'll rest in peace

I hope you'll find your Prince there...

and may Allah bless your sweet soul...Amin.

Life in a day

2008-03-07T11:54:00.004Z

She's in foul mood today. Her usually pretty and bright face unsmiling and thundery. It's a wonder how a mere frown can make you look 10 years older. A sharp piercing glance enough to stop me from doing whatever it is I'm doing at that time and keep me on my toes. Man, she is fierce when she's stressed.

That's my boss.

Is it me? Am I such a terrible doctor? I'm trying my best, but still not good enough. It's not my fault if the patient still can't go home because there's nobody to look after them at home. I can't help it if the admissions never stop and the patients are just overflowing everywhere. I know my judgement can be short-sighted..but hey...I'm here to learn. I'm not excellent,but I'd like to think that I'm not the worst thing that happened to this hospital, which at the moment I feel I am.

I was glad to learn later today it wasn't just me. The others are getting the snaps too. Oh well...it's just one of those days then. PMS. Whatever. As long as I know I've tried my best to look after my patients, I'm happy enough. I'm not here to work miracles.

********************************

I'm off this weekend. Yay!!

But will be working the next three weekends....BIG SIGHHHH.....

Things to do this weekend
1. Beautify my feet - horribly neglected, overused and overworked, looks like 100 years old. Needs a lot of TLC and pampering this week. New shoes, pumice scrubbing, mint scrub, moisturiser, pedicure, the full works.
2. Read a book. Just bought "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom. Maybe should have bought the "Tuesday With Morrie" too and read that first...hmmm...
3. Bake cheesecake.

*********************************

I must admit, I miss him when he's away. Sigh..sigh....I'm hopeless. Maybe I should just stop seeing him. He did say he's going to go away someday. He's going to leave. Better to be lonely now than heartbroken later. I don't know.

I received a short message today :

Have a good weekend.Baci

You too. Hugs

Thanks. Hugs

*********************************

Tonight's dinner:

Venue: Home
Dinner's entertainment : MacLeod's Daughter's followed by Judging Amy
Company: nil

1) Appetiser - Gouda cheese
2) Main - Scramble egg with sausages and baked beans
3) Dessert - Half red dragonfruit and decaf latte

Glamourous dinner eh....

A rainy day

2008-03-04T11:17:00.004Z

On that day...

Morning dews shines on the purple morning glory...

A pair sharing an umbrella under the rain....

The smell of freshly cut grass...

A white beetle car passed by....trails of tins clunking behind it....sign read..."Just married"...

Sharing a delicious hot chicken and basil pizza...

A huge green frog smiles to the camera...

A playful purple dragonfly says "Hello... I'm here!!"....

A pair of white swan gracefully floats by....

Two rounds of ice cold fresh lime juice after a long walk...

It was a nice day afterall ^_^

Bittersweet

2008-02-28T04:30:00.005Z

Dark chocolate....bitter as it is, it just unfolds your deepest hidden yearnings of life.

That's how life works, I guess. The most bitter, dark experience you have, that is the just the thing that will unveil your true potential and passion.

Depends how you want to take it, sweet?....yes...you can make it taste sweeter.....cover that bitter taste on you tongue. What you'll miss is the pleasure of bitterness melting away, replaced by subtle hint of sweetness that can only be appreciated after tasting the dark...bitter bits of the chocolate.

Have I tasted the bitter chocolate? I believe I had....probably not the most bitter, dark ones. I'm not sure if I want to... but that's not for me to choose.

Still searching for my favourite chocolate...

In pursuit of happiness

2008-02-27T06:17:00.003Z

My life took an unexpected turn this week. Big risky move, which I'm not foreign to, but this is a almost irresponsible of me. Yep....call me irresponsible....

I'm beginning to listen to my own heart.

We talked about life, love and dreams. Passionate and a dreamer, yet honest and true to his word. He amazed me with his passion and love for life, his hazel eyes becoming warm and intense when he talked of his dreams, the corner of his mouth slightly twitched and broke into a huge honest smile. He loves his life, his freedom and what he does. He is living his dream, I almost envied him for that.

What I'm doing now was my dream too, I just don't know if this is what I truly want for life. I think I can have that kind of passion like he does, I need to learn to love my life now. I know it's somewhere there, my love for life.

I want to be in love again, to have happiness flowing out of me. I didn't think I'd be capable of that anymore, my heart is becoming too cold and hard. I didn't shed a single tear when I broke a heart or two, I felt the remorse and regret....maybe tears of loss but not of sadness. I am not sad now at all, nor that I'm happy. I have just realised that my heart have never recovered from what happened years ago, I still feel the hate and anger when I think about it. I really don't know how to forgive and forget that pain and loss I felt.

He opens my heart a little bit. No, I'm not in love...not just yet. I'm beginning to understand my own feelings and intuition. There have been a lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation of feelings and emotion. Fondness does not equal to love. Attraction is not love. It's too easy to say you love someone and actually forgot the meaning of it when it is said too often, too carelessly. I have been guilty of that. I don't wish to say it so easily anymore.

"Happiness is a state of mind"

What I'm doing now, everything that i'm doing now is in pursuit of happiness. If happiness is really just a state of mind, am I wasting my time/energy chasing after something that might not actually mean anything at the end? What I learnt from my 26 years of '?meaningless chase'...happiness is a journey of life. That's true for me anyway, I always look back to my past and thought..."gosh...I was happy back then..." not all of it, but big chunk of it. But why...being the ungrateful idiot I was and probably still am, I never really enjoyed the moment until it passed by me.

So that's what I'm doing now... enjoying a good company and having a good time. Maybe it is something...maybe it's not, but that doesn't matter.

PS : KM I miss you!!!!

Living for today

2008-02-13T11:27:00.003Z

Here I am now in this island. It's an exciting new life and I just don't have enough time to explore everything. Work takes almost 90% of my awake moment...haha and my non-awake moment I'll be dreaming about work too....sigh...does this means I'm a workaholic? yet, I just don't feel that I'm doing good enough.

Unsure about where my life is heading, I'm living by the day. Unable to promise anything I find myself getting disconnected from the person that I thought I grow to love. Funny how distance almost always makes my mind go beserk. I just hate it...it just doesn't work with me. Anyway, I'm just going to let it be. If it's meant to be then it'll be. There's so much more for me to discover here and to experience...I'm not going to live in wishes and hopes and blah blah blah...been there, done that, didn't work.

I live for the present, not the past, nor the future.

Morning ramblings

2007-09-23T21:46:00.000+01:00

I was happily playing with my cats when I realised mum was looking at me weirdly. Her face half serious half joking she said,

"Don't keep cats when you live alone. It's sorta jinx, you won't get married"

"What? I don't care, I'm having cats, planned it so long ago I'm not gonna give up cats for a silly man....no way"

Where did she get that from, beats me. Such a cliche, I'm surprised mum brought up THAT subject. I thought I'll get that kind of talk when i reach 30. Sigh...I am barely 26 yrs old...give me a break.

"Sis will give you a cucu mum, don't worry...heheh. Don't wait for mine"

Maybe I should start toying with the idea of adoption. Probably in another 5 years. Get a cat first, see if it'll survive, then maybe I can get a kid to take care of....or I'll probably just sponsor-a-child. The world have enough stray children and bad relationships, I don't want to add to that.

Enough about that...boring subject. Let's think about what to do with that BASTARD PSYCHO who mercilessly killed sweet Nurin. For me, I'd strip him naked in public and let people stone him, not to death. Get his organs for donation, we don't want to waste that, a lot of people need organs (People...Organ For Life okay!! remember!!) and leave him to rot. At least we can help him do some good although not on his will. He should not pitied, there's ridiculously too much tolerance towards violence nowadays. People create so many excuses for committing murder, rape, sick fetish....a lot of people even pity these monsters. Newsflash: THEY ARE PURE EVIL, THEY ARE NOT ILL!! They are sane, they are aware of committing all those evil deeds. They planned it, they enjoy it, they live for it!!

Man...I can't wait for him to get caught. I'd pay my way to see him and get a big stone and throw at him.

What a thought at 5 am in the morning...I better do my Subuh prayer and go back to bed.

Al-Fatihah to sweet Nurin...may her soul rest in peace. I pray for strength for her parents and family.

Post caffeine

2007-09-23T15:03:00.000+01:00

Coffee overdose last night. Came back from coffee at around 11pm. Tossed and turned on the bed until about 1, then I decided to start reading The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. Bought that book last year but didn't get around to reading it. Good book, judging from the first few chapters, I managed to read until chapter 7. Interesting story about Dracula hunting...well that's as far as I got to anyway. Good story to read in the middle of the night when you can't sleep...haha

Had sahur at 3 sumthing, played piano(with headphones on) then showered at 4am. I finally managed to doze off for an hour and woke up at 6.30am. waaarrrghh...why why well...I did have a big cup of coffee last night. Anyway a friend was kind enough to take me out for some fresh air. We went to Bekenu for some local fruits- bought durian, pulasan and dabai..yay!! love it!! Stopped for a while in Beach Bungai for a breather...nice ^_^ I just love being on a beach, the smell and wind will just blow me away to dreamland....Zzzzzzz

Came back home, tired and damn sleepy. I went for a power nap....one and half hour of them, which is great!!! Woke up fresh, I went to pasar Ramadhan with my good ol friend who happens to be my good ol neighbour as well. Air tebu...some kuihs...that's it. Mum making something at home, so no need to buy more.

Breaking fast was good, no food overdose, no membazir. which is good.

Hmm..I really need to study. I'm slacking...huhuhu...bad girl. Enough playing around..tomorrow will attempt to study :p

Tomorrow's aim: Be a good girl and study.

Over coffee

2007-09-22T18:49:00.000+01:00

It's been almost a year. A year since I last wrote in this blog. So much have changed I don't even know where to start.

It's in the past. Now it's another chapter of my life, new beginning.

I want to cherish life, travel around the world, work hard and be remembered as a good person when I die. No point being worried about things that I can't change and just be happy to be myself.

I had a good time tonight. In a good company just laughing and talking about random things over coffee. Feels good to be carefree once in a while. No stories of pain, sadness, anger, hopelessness...stories of the world.

Things to do before I die:

1. Go for Hajj
2. Bungeejump or skydive
3. Watch aurora
4. Go African Safari
5. Watch sakura falls in Japan
6. Buy a house
7. Send my parents for a nice holiday trip
8. Adopt a child or orang-utan or a dolphin
9. Save a human life
10. Teach something useful to people

So much to do, so little time.

Jerebu

2006-10-09T21:37:00.000+01:00

The water is so cloudy that Aboy and Amoy just couldn't see where they're going. Damn it. I just changed the water last weekend. I just bought new filter yesterday, I thought I'd change the filter before I go away for holiday.

Sabar kay, Aboy and Amoy.

Sian my goldfish.

Jerebu sekejap....

I hate routine

2006-10-09T19:50:00.000+01:00

When life becomes a routine, that's when you lose passion. When jabbing people's veins means nothing, when seeing death doesn't scare me anymore, that's when I'll quit my job and go to catering business. haha.

Luckily now, my stomach still turn everytime I jab people's skin, I'm scared I'm hurting them too much. No one deserves to be in pain, thats why I think anaesthetists are the best. I don't like people who thinks patients should bear the pain and stop moaning too much when they are in pain. How'd u like it if ppl open up your tummy and poke poke around and then take out your gut and saw you up like a chicken and then don't give you enough painkillers and expect you to sit up and smile everytime they come around your bed with their troop of whitecoated army, whispering to each other discussing about your bowel habit?

Treat the patients like you'd like your parents to be treated. You wouldn't want your family to be stripped naked in front of 10 medical students to be oohs and aahh by them looking at that weird lump under the breast. You wouldnt want your grandmother to be embarassed without her dentures talking to the whole load of 'smart-looking' young doctors asking about how are their waterworks doing.

Keep your heart. Keep the passion. Be kind. It is hard to do when it becomes routine. But it wont become so hard if we remember our family, remember your parents, remember how you started. Be human.

Paperworks, chits, x-rays, reports, clerking sheets, audits, phonecalls are just another job.

Patients....they are not just another job.

I hate routine.

2006-09-16T18:48:00.000+01:00

It's true what people say about being honest. There is such a thing as being too honest. There is such a thing as a 'white lie'. I hate dishonesty. I hate hypocrisy.

Simply put in a few words.

I hate it when people say things they don't mean.

Don't tell me you trust me when you actually don't.

Don't wish me a good time when you'd rather me sit at home feeling blue missing you.

Don't ask me anything if you've already made up your mind about it.

I just have to write this. I'm angry and frustrated, I know you are too. This happens too many times and I know it's usually better tomorrow. But it's not gonna be gone. This will keep coming back and will keep haunting us. People don't change, you're not gonna and neither am I.

I'm writing this down, to remind myself that this is what I'm feeling today. Cos I'll forget about it tomorrow and I know then I'll regret putting this post up.

This is what I've been thinking all day.

No, I didn't have fun today at the European market. There are very rare guilt-free day or nite-out or weekends with friends, cos I know you can't accept that this is who I am, this is how I live my life here.

I'm sorry I can't make you happy.

This is what happens when you give in to temptation...

2006-09-15T19:03:00.000+01:00

A weird-ish day.

Didn't sleep well last night. Went out to a coffee place for live music and coffee last night. Temptation won last night, I had one regular latte and I ended up having migraine,and couldn't sleep until about 3am, not until I had the dihydrocodeine my 'pharmacist' gave me...heheh.

Found a hole in my new jumper...I just got it yesterday!! Waited for that med school jumper for months...and I got the one with a hole in it. Damn it!

Thought I'd lost my parking pass. Then I had to park 5-10 minutes walk away from the hospital, and I was late to work.

Successfully inserted my first central line before the ward round....yayy!! There was a short period of self-congratulating before I was scolded by the consultant for missing the early bit of ward round and not being able to find the doctor's job book. Not my fault lah pakcik...someone else took it and was running around with it...isk.

Did a few mistakes here and there, 'scolded' by a nurse, referred as 'useless' by the consultant although he said it half-jokingly, it bites lah. huhuuu...:(

Half-inserted a chest drain, didn't get to finish it cos I was too scaredy-cat to poke hard at someone's chest. Managed to make a decent hole until my finger was poking in between the ribs then I just can't seem to poke through the last bit of membrane. Turned out that guy's chest is extra difficult...and the registrar had a hard time too....that makes me feel a bit better...hehe

Stayed late...I was supppose to finish at 4 pm today. Stayed in till 6.30pm, hoping to get more things done...but ended up just sitting at the doctor's room listening to the anaesthetists and intensivists bitching about surgeons and medical people. Quiet funny lah, but when it goes on and on for almost an hour, it gets booorrrriiinggggg!!!

When I finally got home, parked my car...guess what I found underneath the driver's seat? My parking pass!! How on earth did that bloody thing got there also I don't know.

My 'entertainer' HL went back to Msia today for 2 weeks...so can't really knock on his door and kacau him :p. I could do with some laughter...huhu. Maybe can watch a DVD tonite. I need someone to make me laugh pleasee!!!!

Extremely hungry, but really no appetite. And no mood to cook either. Maybe will have maggi tonight.

I'm really in a weird mood now.

I think I'll sleep early. Will call Bee before I sleep...hopefully he's feeling better. My poor baby got the flu, and I didn't even get to say goodnight to him. *hugss*

*Yawwwnnnnnn*

*Lapar lah...*

Drying face mask

2006-09-12T20:50:00.000+01:00

Somehow my fingers are itching to write. Eversince I had this broadband connection in my room. It's either downloading animes or watching them or reading blogs or writing them. Heh....timewasting ler...I know. But for now I'm just writing to kill time while waiting for my facemask to dry...heheh. Bought Lush face mask called 'Brazen Honey" to detoxify tired skin, especially when you've been neglecting them.hah. Thats what it says on the tin. More or less. WHatever lah...as long as I put an effort to take care of them, thats ok right? Mum would be happy if she knows her daughter is being sensible...heheh.

I think I'll call mama tonight. Kinda missing home. I hope she's feeling alright, and papa too. He had been having chest pain. Keep asking him to go and see the doc. Had the treadmill test and a few others, but all tests didn't find anything significant. Kinda relieved but it doesn't explain why he's been having the chestpain every so often. Antacids doesn't help either. I wonder if his naughty children are stressing him...huhu. Mama has been alright, I think. The new home helper has been a great relieve to them. At least they're having decent breakfast and dinner at home.

Shall continue reading about epidural tonight.

Had 2 cups of coffee today. And a bar of chocolate. And proud of it.

Didn't get any chance to do arterial line today.

A patient said to me today, " My husband would never do that to me" when I attempted to put a drip into her arm...3 times...success at the 3rd attempt. I know, I'm sorry dear but your husband didn't even realise that you've been so breathless that you haven't been up the stairs for months. I didn't say that to her though.

Weeeee!!! My face mask is all nice and dry.

I think

2006-09-12T20:15:00.000+01:00

I think I need to read more.

My general knowledge is so blekkk.

I think I need to get a shower and lie on my bed.

I think I'm becoming too obsessed with food...hehehh.

I think MRSA is annoying.

I think alcohol hand gel is fantastic.

I think my hands are getting more wrinkly. (Cos I've been generous with the alcohol gel:p)

I think RTA(road traffic accidents) are horrifying and depressing.

I think people on the road should be more careful.

I think people should really value their lives (and other people's) more.

I think I should talk more and think less.

All day bla bla

2006-09-11T19:30:00.000+01:00

Work

Went out of the house at about 7am. Barely concious, my body aching like a 100 yrs old osteoporotic lil ol lady. Damn stairs...I fell flat on my non-existent bum last Saturday, just after shower, still sleepy from the meds, somehow I missed a step and went down like an overipe nangka. Now I felt like I've beaten all over.

Handover started at 7.30am, continued with ward round until about 1pm. Wahhh...my back sangat sakit! and my legs...I can't even cross my legs without wincing.

Still can't put in arterial line. I can't even put it in the radial let alone in the foot! Sigh...hopefully will get one by the end of this week.

Observed and sort of assisted a tracheostomy being done. Hopefully will get to do that someday...looks kinda cool...heheh.

Learnt that if I went into labour, choose only between epidural or the pool. "It's wonderful!!" said one of the anaesthetist who just gave birth. She chose the pool.

Thanks..I'll keep that in mind.

Went home feeling totally wiped although I didn't do anything the whole day.

Off work

Went to check my laundry in the hospital accomodation...still a bit damp. Had dinner there as HL already cooked extra and I don't feel like cooking at home anyway. Wasn't really hungry, but had quite a lot in the end :p

Went home, watched Hollyoaks...which is so depressing. They killed off 4 characters in one scene!!! WTH!

Now contemplating doing some work...I should really do some studying. Being the most junior in an intensive care unit makes me feel really useless cos I'm not really contributing anything.

Will make an effort to read a few more pages of that novel I started last week..'A Short History of Tractor in Ukrainian'.

I want to watch anime

Today, I'm thankful that:

1. I'm still alive, well and still have my family, Bee and my friends.
2. I got free dinner.
3. I learnt some things at work.
4. I found out that I made a correct diagnosis on a patient last week.
5. I got to talk to Bee before he sleeps.
6. I managed not to drink coffee...but I had chocolate.
7. I got a nice med student with me to keep me company.

Tomorrow, I shall:

1. Try to get an arterial line in.
2. Try to get more practical procedures done..maybe a central line.
3. Still try not to have coffee...and chocolate....hehe
4. Try to teach the med student something useful.
5. Study something...heheh

Dog world

2006-09-10T18:04:00.000+01:00

Haven't done this for more than half a year now...but kinda missing it...writing just whatever comes to mind without really planning what to say.

Tiring..it is...planning. Plan than predict what will happen...hoping than putting your efforts into things...and sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you don't. Life is not about reaping what you sow. That's just what adults say to children so that they work and have hope in life. When you work hard at something, you want something in return, something in your favour. It doesn't always work like that. You'll get what is destined for you, and you're supposed to make the best out of it. It is not fair for most people who work so hard at something. Old news flash!!! LIFE ISNT' FAIR.

Maybe that's why I lost my drive to fight...I was ambitious once upon a time. hehe...was a great era for myself. I called it era because everything was so clear to me, what I want in life, what I want to do and what I want to become. Everything was planned down to every single detail. It was great, having all your life planned out, and all turned the way you want it to be. I am exactly where I wanted myself to be. All as planned. It wasn't too difficult up to this point, but it was tiring.

I guess I just have to admit it to myself I'm becoming mellow. I want to be happy with what I have now, and enjoy my life to the fullest.

It's not bad at all this...motivation, having ambition..it's all what makes us human.

The thing is, all this obsession about having ambition in life sometimes takes out the joy that you're supposed to experience while achieving that goal of yours. People look down on others who are not as ambitious as them. Are they really lesser than those who are? Can't we just be happy with what we have?

I suppose we can't...just because that's how God created us...we have lust. The lust to have more and more and nothing will make us content until we get what we don't have. It is supposed to be a good thing, having this ambition, to drive you forward so that you can improve yourself to be a better person than you were before. But I'm afraid this thing called success comes in a package. If it means I have to be ruthless to achieve success...I don't think I want it. "It's a dog eat dog world" is what one of my friend said...and everytime she said that it sends shivers down my spine.

Wondering why I'm thinking all this?

I just successfully entered that "dog-eat-dog world".

I'm scared shit.

Emotional goldfish

2005-12-12T22:35:00.000Z

Have you ever felt that the words in the dictionary are not enough? Just not enough to express yourself? I have experience that a lot of time. I'm a very emotional person. I can never keep my feelings inside for very long. There are some things that I can't express, I let my frustration out by being moody and snappy. I used to be a very bad-tempered girl...my mum warned me almost everytime before I went away from home to control my temper or else nobody will come near me and I'll end up alone with 6 cats and an aquarium-full of goldfishes. I wore my heart on my sleeve.

If my parents or relatives humiliate me in front of anybody, I'll sulk like nobody's business...I stamp my feet and slam the door. If anyone makes me angry, I'll point my finger at them and shout at them...I want to be heard...I want people to know how angry I felt. In an argument, I won't shut up until I win, even though I know I might be wrong...I'm too proud to lose.

When I went away from home after SPM, I was still the bad-tempered girl who will not back down from an argument. After about a year staying in hostel, out of my comfort zone, no such thing as privacy...I learnt that shouting and stamping my feet won't get me anywhere. I learnt about hipocrasy or the politically-correct term, diplomacy. Not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a part of survival skills, to live in a community. OK, to be fair, I learnt to be more tolerant.

After 2 years of survival-skill boot camp, I became the tolerant, quiet, 'sweet' girl that can get along with most people...not too friendly, but 'chattable', forgettable...not outstanding. I became 'lazy' and happy to fade in the background. To make my life easier, I avoid complications and confrontations, in UK, I stayed away from big social groups, I chose to stay in student hostel...with the local students, away from Malaysian community. There was another reason I chose to be that way, but that's another long story not worth remembering. Well, I try not to be that way anymore. Nothing is perfect, nobody's perfect, no community is perfect. I realised that now.

Anyway, now, instead of confronting people when I'm angry, I cry. I cry and cry my eyes out. Then I'll be good as new. Hmm...seems to work better than losing my temper and shouting my tonsils out.

Actually, what I wanted to write initally is how words are not enough to describe feelings. This was suppose to be a nice entry, about nice memories. I dont know how I managed to sidetrack and remembered not-so-nice things. I guess the barely 3 hours sleep last night has taken its toll. My head's buzzing, and I can't remember what I did for the last hour. My eyes looks like goldfish's eyes. Exophthalmus-like, potruding as if someone has pushed my eyeballs from the inside.

I guess...what I'm really trying to say is...there are no words that can justify my feelings right now. I'm mushy, I'm all lovey-dovey, I'm hopelessly head-on-heels in love.

Hmmm...this is such a weird entry. I dunno what I'm writing about. But I know what I'm feeling right this very moment. Happy. Content. In love. Whole. And much more than that. See...I did say, words don't do it justice.

I'm feeling as intelligible as a goldfish.

*Missing Bee*

My lamb stew comes true

2005-12-08T19:01:00.000Z

When I crave for something, I won't sit still until I have them. Sounds like a spoilt little kid eh...haha...I don't care. As long as I'm not troubling anyone, I don't care. I've been craving for lamb stew for weeks...hehe...finally today, I went out to city centre, bought some toiletries and went to the halal shop to buy some lamb ribs. I have the other ingredients at home, so I don't need to carry bags and bags of shopping stuff in the bus. Thank God.

My lamb stew ------> lamb ribs (just feel like having lamb ribs cos I want the bone as well...to taste...that is :p), potato, leek, a little cute thing called baby suede (some sort of root vege I'm experimenting), onion and carrots

Add beef stock, salt and pepper for seasoning and grate a little bit of nutmeg...just for a bit of spice, and throw everything in (Just saute the lamb a bit till it's brownish). I just love the colours!! hehe...FIY...this is my version of lamb stew...hehe...throw in everything that's in the fridge :p I think the tomato is a bit out of place...not really suppose to be in there... oh well...it doesn't make any difference anyway ^_^ . I let it simmer on a low heat, with the lid on (I don't have the slow cooker thingy)

2 hours later...tender lamb...and mushy veges....yummmm

A bowl of hot lamb stew and a malted wheat roll....ahh....comfort food on this cold cold day...

It's very nice I must say, tasty...and comforting. Not fabulously excellent that makes me want to have bowls and bowls of them (hhehee thankfully). Sat back and watched Hollyoaks (yes yes..I watch British soap..this is the only one I watch though...honest!).

Haven't done a single work today. Got good excuse(s). I got tummy cramps, my eyes burns, and I was craving for lamb stew. hehehehe....ok ok...I'll try do some work tonight.

Right after I shower.

And after I watch Gordon Ramsay's F word. (I got a crush on him). And after Little Britain. I promise!

I want chocolate

2005-12-07T21:27:00.000Z

I'm writing a 6000-words essay on "The role of religion and spirituality on bereavement" for the past week and it's getting to me, reading so many anecdotes on deaths and grieving and all that. They dissected it until it's so technical...so...systematic. Is there really a 'correct' way to grief? A supposedly healthier way to mourn? Yea yea the reseach showed this and that...why do we have to make sense of everything? Human are not suppose to be predictable. Emotions are what makes us human, why do we want to explain why we're feeling this and that? I know..I know...there are a lot of positive things to be taken from all these research. It's just too deep for me...haha. Don't feel like thinking too deep now. I just don't think it makes any difference on what's happening around me. It's a lot of 'intelligent' discussions...yada yada...but nothing can really be done about it. Ironically now I'm listening to "Bring me to life" by Evanescence. Yes..pleaseeee..bring me back to life...hehehe...I feel like singing on the top of my voice. I feel a bit manic tonight. I think I got a mild bipolar disorder :p or maybe it's just the PMS. Damn mentrual *itch. (I meant witch) haha

I've managed to write almost 5000 words so far, but reading back my essay...seems that I've been making the same point over and over again, just approaching it from different perspectives. Sighhh...I'm hopeless at doing essays...I don't like doing essays...I don't like doing studies or reviews or anything similar. I just want to run around in the hospital poking people and drugging them :p *just kidding...heheh*

Seems that the lure of Galaxy chocolate have won tonight. I ventured out the cold of Scottish winter (it is winter now...right? I mean...it's soooooo coldd) to the little newsagent nearby...bought a pint of milk(only full-fat milk and full-skimmed milk left on the milk shelf....I got the full-fat one...hey...I don't have a choice ok...skimmed-milk??? that's is not an option, what a poor excuse for milk). Then I bought a bar of Galaxy chocolate. Naughty naughty girl. *I was planning to go off chocolate (not including chocolate drink..hehe) until my sister comes to visit me, which is gonna be next week)*

Hmmmm....chocolate....

Now the song "Kiss me" by Sixpence None the Richer came up on my mp3. Love this song. Makes me feel all girly and dreamy. haha.

"Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight

Lead me out on the moonlit floor

Lift your open hand

Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance

Silver moon's sparkling

So kiss me..."

Hmmmm...I feel like wearing a dress and putting a flower on my hair :p

Sighhh....time to 'goreng' some more for my essay.

*hug hug Bee*

PMS blues

2005-12-06T19:46:00.000Z

PMS PMS please go away,
I don’t want to feel this way,
Bloated and fat, I feel so ugly,
You are making me a crybaby.

PMS PMS why can’t you be nice,
My feet feel cold, as cold as ice,
Why don’t you go and haunt the guys,
Make them cry for once or twice!

PMS PMS I don’t hate you,
It’s just I don’t want to feel so blue,
My body feel as heavy as batu,
And I’m craving for a hot lamb stew.

PMS PMS this cramps you give me,
Hot water bottle marks on my tummy,
Those Galaxy chocolate look so yummy,
And I feel like picking a fight with my Bee! (sorry baby!)

PMS PMS don't mess with me,
This mood swing you've caused is not so funny,
This blues is too long it's getting cheesy,
I think I'll go make myself a cup of tea.

*Still missing my Bee*

Insomniac

2005-11-19T02:15:00.000Z

It's one of those nights. When my body is terribly tired, my mind had already mind shut down...but I just can't sleep!! I really want to sleep...not thinking of anything, clearing my thoughts...just when I was about to doze off, my mind went 'Yayyy!! I'm falling asleep!!!'...then I became conscious of falling asleep. My eyes would just refuse to cooperate with me. My brain is in its rebellious mode.

Just falling asleep becomes a battle for me in these kind of nights. 5 minutes feels like an hour. Usually it lasts for 1-2.5 hours. Sometimes 3-5 hours. Just imagine....5 minutes=1 hour. 2 hours=24 hours....5 hours=2.5days!!!! Waaaarrgghhh!!! I tried sleeping on my back, staying still, not wanting to move much cos it'll make me more anxious. Sometimes I tossed and turned, cursing the 'tick-tocks' of the clock on my desk...somehow the sounds were 100 times louder than usual. I used to chucked the clock in my wardrobe cupboard under the piles of clothes so that I wouldn't hear it at night. It's just annoying to hear the 'tick-tocks'...to know that the times is passing me by..without me being able to do anything...not even rest...not even sleep.

Called Bee...wanted to hear his voice. But I was too irritated and annoyed cos I was so tired...I was grumpy and I felt bad for almost snapping at him (or did I?) *I'm so sorry baby*. My neck hurts...again. Strained my neck muscle 3-4 days ago...such a pain in the neck...literally. I'm tempted to swallow 3-4 of those Nytol One-a-night tabs. There was once I felt so fed-up of not being able to sleep I took 6 of those pills *bearing in mind it's not sleeping pill as such, I'm not suicidal, but I think I could actually murder someone when I'm in this state*.

Well, I got up and ate those leftover nasi lemak I made yesterday. Didn't really have proper dinner today, I had one bowl of cereal and a couple of digestive biscuits with tea. Hmmm...can't go straight to sleep after eating can't I? So, I watched Bridget Jones Diary-one movie that I always turn to when I want to make myself feel less guilty after eating supper at 1 am. I can be 'curvy' and still have my Mr. Darcy, can't I? *in my case is Mr. B....hehe :p* Watched it half-way...when I felt somehow I have watched it too many times already that I memorised the script and even can mimic Bridget singing to 'All by myself' while playing air guitar and drums in her pyjama. I really should buy new DVDs. I have been watching Bridget Jones Diary, Sleepless in Seattle, Love Actually and My Best Friend Wedding every few weeks for the past 3 years. I got a few others (Shawshank Redemptions, Erin Brockovich, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Bourne Identity etc.), but these 4 are my favourites. Still waiting for good offers to buy more Tom Hanks films, and more rom-coms (romantic comedies)...all the feel good movies....or should I say the chick-flicks...haha.

Hmmm..maybe I should finish reading that book 'The Sunday Philosophy Club' by Alexander McCall Smith. This is the first of his book that I bought, have been curious about his books for quite some time. The last book I read was 'The Family Way' by Tony Parson. That was more than a month ago. I love his books...just simple, everyday life. The things we always take for granted. Husband and Wife. Mother and Daughter. Sisters. Brothers. Makes me a bit sentimental...hehe. Still waiting for more novels from Tess Gerrittsen...for her books...I'll make myself free for the whole day so that I can finish her book in one sitting. Gripping medical thriller usually...sorta CSI kinda thing...maybe I should consider being a pathologist....haha :p

Can't think now. Need sleep. Me. Go. Lie down.

Beautiful rainbow

2005-11-11T19:32:00.000Z

I was talking to Bee when my friend WS burst into my room shouting at me " Minimeee!!!!!come out now!!! you've got to see this!!! faster faster!!!" it sounded so important she was literally jumping up and down hurrying me to come out from the room. When I came out the room...a magnificent sight greeted me...

A big rainbow...I tell you..really big rainbow....thick fat colourful rainbow...I quickly took out my camera, by the time I snapped it, it was already fading a little bit, but it still looks gorgeous....

THere's another faint one next to it..dunno if it's just the reflection, but if you look at it carefully, there's another one there.

Notice how one side of the sky looks darker than the other, separated by the rainbow. I wonder how it becomes like that...looks amazing...Subhanallah

It was raining really heavy this morning....thick fat rain...the rare ones that we got here in UK...usually it's the drizzly heavy rain...but today it was almost like the monsoon rain we get back home. I love rainbow!!! reminds me there's always something beautiful that awaits us after a stormy night or any miserable weather...the only thing we have to do is hang in there...pray...and hang in there...

*I'm loving my rainbow ^_^*

I'm dreaming of a white Raya :p

2005-11-11T10:03:00.000Z

Last night I dreamt it was snowing!!!!!!!! I looked out the window, and there it is...white....fluffy white snow covered ground...fluffs of snowflakes falling down out of nowhere. I can smell it...I love the smell of snow...the chilly air woke me up, giving me the burst of energy in the fine morning. The frst thing I did was to open my window, and caught a few snowflakes and tasted it...hehe..I know..sounds weird, but I love tasting the snow. Then I took out the camera and snapped a few pictures for my Bee ^_^

I woke up after that...looked out the window...there's no snow. Sighh....

Sushi disaster

2005-11-10T22:18:00.000Z

Have been wanting to post these pics for almost a week now. Sis came for Raya for 4 days, had good fun cooking Raya meal, invited a couple of friends, went out for 2 (kiddy) movies hehe...(Wallace and Grommit highly recommended for the kiddies at heart :p) . Sis came with her tatami mat in her attempt to teach me the 'art' of sushi making...

My first attempt....disaster..haha...half of the sushi ended up in my tummy..ate it like I do 'nasi campur' ...hehehe

Second roll...looks a bit promising...err...doesn't it?

A wee bit better from the first I must say....hehe... really ah? :p

More than an hour later..phew.....I must say....sushi making tested my patience..which I don't have a lot of...:p I still prefer the old 'nasi campur'..thank you very much...

And that one full tupperware of sushi we brought it to the Bonfire night last Saturday, with one bottle of Amoy Dark Soy Sauce...hehe...sitting on a wet bench by the beach in the cold drizzly and windy night while watching fireworks, enjoying the cold sushi (they were veryy nice...surprisingly) ... ahhh... joy.... hehehe... silly things that we do when we're away from home....:p

The firework display was great...would have been better if it wasn't too flippin' cold. I would have taken more pictures if it wasn't for my frozen hands...

A pathetic attempt at taking the fireworks pictures...

It was a great night all the same...had fun watching Nanny McFee during the day, then walked around the city centre, there were French Market..selling french stuff...hehe...sis had banana and chocolate crepes...helped myself to various flavoured cheese (they were tomato and basil cheese, parsley and onion, garlic and something else...and a disgusting ginger cheese ones..yekk...sort of sweet tangy cheese...I love ginger..but ginger cheese?? :p) made 2-3 rounds, kept coming back for different ones...:p ...they should let us taste the olives too...hehe..then I'd be there the whole day...hehe. Had prawnies (expensive wooo...6 little fake-prawns cooked in olive oil with herbs and garlic for 2.50 quids...why did I buy it? dunno...tasty tho...hehe). My friend bought Danish pancakes..little cuties they were...little fluff of pancakes topped with maple sauce and whipped cream, and some topped with strawberry sauce..yum yummm.... There weren't a lot of stalls compared to various years...it's getting less every year. They used to have soup stall ( crab soup, prawn soup...hmmm...sounds nice during this cold cold weather..), creme brulee, and more interesting stuffs...not anymore tho.

All the while I enjoyed myself...but couldn't help missing someone...^_^ wishing so hard he could be enjoying all that as well....with me. The movies, the walks, cheese-tasting..:p, eating crepes and prawnies...and watching the fireworks while enjoying my home-made sushi...:p

*Every steps I take, my dear*

Homesick(2)

2005-11-02T13:30:00.000Z

Right at this moment, mum and dad is preparing for our open house tomorrow. Esok Hari Raya!!!! I want to raya also...this homesickness is getting worse every passing minute. Last night, talking to mum, dad, brother at home and also sis in Galway....all five of us...sighh....I miss them badly. Sis is more desperate than me..bought tickets to come to Aberdeen that very minute...hehe...sis is coming for raya tomorrow...yayyyy!!! My...I really miss home...so so much that my heart sank everytime I think of home...*sob sob* (now listening to raya songs....sigh.... menyeksa diri sendiri...)

Hmm....mum said some of her staff will be helping her tomorrow for the open house..usually starts at 11am, after coming back from Raya prayers and going to visit our grandparents' kubur. Always have the first raya meal at home, together all five of us. My favourite raya meal would be 'Daging Masak Hitam' with lemang or ketupat nasi. Of course we'll have all the traditinal rendang,kuah kacang and curry as well. Then we would sit in my parents room, mum will salam my dad to ask for forgiveness, then me..followed by my sis and brother....my brother is bad at asking for forgiveness...hehhee...he'll just grunt..like 'uh...sorry mak, sorry pak' then he'll go hehehee....hmmm...men. then go to Auty's place where all our relatives will gather. I imagine then duit raya exchange...hehe...then raya meal again.

Then, go home to prepare for first guest. My mum's and dad's collegues like to come in 4-5 cars at once...isk..then like 10 minutes later another and another..non-stop. Me..being the anti-social one..hehe..would wash the plates clean, then wipe them spotless..sampai berkilat-kilat gitu..bearing in mind that I hate washing dishes. Malu...I rather wash dishes than play hostess...hehe...that's me. Sometime I'll have to come out from my comfort zone (the kitchen) and play hostess when mum and sister is too tired or doing something else. Ugh..how I dreaded playing hostess that time..now I'd give anything to do all that...sigh...I'd even play the fun babysitter...(bearing in mind I can't stand screaming children...huhuhu). The guests will keep coming until Maghrib...and will continue a bit after that..until around 11 pm. Hmmm...I wonder if mum and dad can entertain guests until that late now...it'll be a bit quiet with me and sis not around. My brother will be out with his friends of course...kesian mum and dad...sigh...I hope I can spend raya with them next year..InsyaAllah.

Second day will be our visiting day. All of us in the car...just perfect 5 of us in the car. We never change our spots since I can remember. Dad will be driving of course (he can't stand being drive around), mum in the front seat. My spot will be near the left window, sis the right window and my brother will be the 'malang' one, have to sit in the middle...hehe...(the middle seat is not as comfortable usually..:p). We'll go around my mum's and dad's collegues' houses from 11am till about 4pm. Then have a bit of rest, and during the night will continue visiting houses..especially our relatives. I won't start on the foods...*drooling...*. I won't torture myself now.

Sigh...so much more I want to write...so many memories...going around on 3rd or 4th with my friends to visit each other's houses and the teacher's houses as well. I'm usually one of the drivers...sigh...hehe. Not that I mind doing it cos I love driving...at least I won't be worrying about the driver going too fast or anything...hehe..I'm quite a maknenek when it comes to driving. My sis and brother said I drive like kura-kura. I'm the slowest driver in my family. Mum drives the fastest...she drives as if I'm delivering twins at the end of the other of the road. My dad, sis and brother also drive so fast I always have my legs straight in front of me as if willing the brakes to be pushed by my inner power...*whatever*. Anyway...visiting houses with my friends is also one of the thing I really missed. This year I invited my friends to come to my open house tomorrow...just like old days *minus me of course...huhuhuhuhuhu*

Hmmm....I need to tidy my room for sis tomorrow. Oh my...I miss home soo much. This is the worst homesick ever.

*haha..was talking to my brother on YM when he said "tak best lah rumah takde tisu bunga-bunga (referring to my tulip tissue arrangement-refer to previous entry), semua org tak reti buat"...can't help but feeling so pleased that my humble 'artwork' is sorely missed...hehe...*

....to be continued (maybe :p)

Homesick

2005-10-28T04:15:00.000+01:00

Feeling a dreadful homesickness. Accumulation of almost 5 years worth of being selfish and self-absorbed...not thinking of home as much as I ought to...finally..it hits me...HARD.

I MISS HOME!!!

Not that I haven't been home, I just came back from home 2 months ago. It's just this coming Raya celebration. I was listening to all the Raya songs...first few songs were kinda fun...festive. A bit nostalgic thinking of the times of the last week of Ramadhan...preparing the house. Dad..always with his garden and fishpond...his pride and joy. Will be the centre of attention every Raya, people will be crowding outside the house to admire his work..the fishpond full of Tilapia fish...free for anyone who are smart enough to 'bodek' my dad.

Fresh Tilapia fish is just simply mouthwatering..yumm...sweetsour Tilapia...me, my sis and bro's favourite. My brother especially, being the lazybum of the house would even be determine enough to have a 30 minutes war in the fishpond to catch the fish for dinner..hehe..such determination should be rewarded. So, my mum or I would cook the nicest sweet and sour Tilapia for the whole family to enjoy (me and sis would always fight for the fish tail...hehe...love fishtail..not the tail as such, but the meaty part at the end of the fish, whatever you call it :p)

Anyway, back to Raya preparation...yeah..dad would be trimming his garden or his beloved bonsai plants. He's a passionate bonsai lover...(mum said no wonder their kids are all bonsai size...miniatures..kehkeh except for bro of course..not fair...isk). Mum would be preparing the kitchen, dining room ect for open house. And oh, she'd be spending a lot of time in her little corner (not so little anymore) of orchids near the garden...making sure all the orchids are ready for display so that they can compete with dad's fishpond and bonsai...heheh. My sister would be the chief decorator of the whole house...anything she says, goes. I would be doing little insignificant things here and there...trying to look helpful..(cos I'm hopeless when it comes to tidying up and cleaning and decorating...hehe). My favourite task before Raya is folding the napkin and arranging it into a big lotus flower...wooo..my pride and joy..heheh. Even though it's hardly a competition with my dad's fishpond and bonsai or my sis's house art deco, it's my work all the same..heheh. My brother...will be helpful by sitting in front of the computer and playing games, or out with his friend helping with his friend's Raya preparation...tsk tsk tsk...that guy have got to learn his priority...hehe. Well...he's not that bad...he would be helpful enough if me, sis, mum and dad 'membebel' at the same time at him....heheh.

In my village (not really a traditional village as such, but I like to call it that..cos thats how it feels like..warm and friendly), every Raya there will be rows of oil lamps along the road, in front of all houses. There will always be a competitions of having the most beautiful and consistent rows of oil lamps between the villages in my small town. Then, the village's young lads will actually have something useful to do besides sitting around at the side of the road wooing young girls who pass by. My brother, will always join these lads going around the village making sure the oil lamps are lighted and keeping the other village's lads from sabotaging our village's lamps by mixing water with the oils. Such sense of belonging and 'determination' to win among the lads...if only they apply it into doing business or something more useful...heheh...they are nice guys mostly (especially individually)..the only thing is guys tend to become jerks when they are in a group...why ah? I wonder if my brother acts like those lads when he's with them. He can be pain in the a** sometime...hehe

That was 5 years ago...I wonder if it is still like that. With me and my sister away from home, I think my brother is beginning to appreciate us more...well..I am beginning to appreciate him more. I was never the 'cool big sis' to him...always the 'garang' one. But now, after spending so much time apart, somehow the distance brought us closer, especially the last two years. About three weeks ago I talked to him on the phone. My brother said "Bila kakak nak habis study? balik Malaysia cepat2...boring lah raya sorang2" (In other word, I miss you lah kakak...heheheh :p) I wish I could promise him I'm coming back home soon, that I will be spending the Raya with the family...how I wish I could. But I just said to him "Doa je lah kakak pass exam next year,pastu dapat kerja then, dapat duit nak balik Raya next year, ok? Kalau kakak kaya, Hadi (bukan nama sebenar :p) jugak yang kaya kan?" heheh....ade ke bribe adik sendiri suruh doa...isk . Despite being supposedly macho (skinny) 19 year-old, deep down my bro is still the same smelly little pudgy thing he was 15 years ago....hehe...me and my sis's 'live model' to dress-up and to try our talent on being make-up artists. Poor Hadi always ended up looking like a weird alien baby with makeups, a hat, a handbag and our old dress put on him. Until now, he never got over the idea of being bullied by his two older sister who are now midgets to him.

Sigh...I miss those days. I miss being at home...the feel of comfort and safety. Even though I rarely give it much thought when I'm away...it always welcomes me...with the warmest welcome I could ever get. I miss everything at home, the cat, the fishes, the garden, the mango tree, rambutan and cempedak tree at the back garden, my room, the living room, the kitchen, the cars, the non-functioning piano under the stairs, the familiar smell my mum's favourite potpourri...and mostly, the people in it..mum, dad, my sister and brother.

I wonder when we're gonna have the whole family together again...on Hari Raya.

...to be continued (hopefully :p)

tulis...tulisss...

2005-10-20T23:50:00.000+01:00

Tiba-tiba je rasa nak tulis dalam bahasa sendiri...hehe...tapi bukan le nak tulis bahasa Melayu yang 'proper'. Adoi...aku tak ingat ape 'proper' dalam bahasa Melayu. Isk...kene belajar balik ni. Kamus Dewan aku yang besar warna hijau tu ade kat rumah lagi...sapelah agaknye yang pakai. Sebenarnye tengah memerah otak nak tulis CV dengan isi borang permohonan untuk mintak kerja. Minggu depan dah nak kene hantar....baru terhegeh-hegeh nak buat. Isk...teruk betul aku nih. Dari kecik sampai besar tak pernah nak buat kerja awal sikit...mesti nak tangguh sampai saat-saat terakhir. Kalau takde 'due date' mamang statik lah aku. Tapi takleh jugak cakap aku ni sentiasa camtu....kadang2 kalau datang semangat berkobar-kobar tu..aku boleh gak terlebih semangat dari orang lain....hehe...

Hmm...dulu-dulu aku selalu semangat nak buat kerja. Kalau ade ape2 yang di bawah tanggungjawab aku, mesti siap punye. Aku buat kerja tu, buli orang-orang bawahan hehe...semuanya mesti 'perfect'...sempurna(hmm..ade perkataan lain tak selain sempurna? macam tak kena je bunyi). Orang lambat sikit pun aku marah macam tak ingat dunia...memang pantang aku lah orang-orang yang suka datang lambat nih. Buang masa orang lain je. Buang masa aku je...Kalau ade ape2 kenduri ke, 'meeting' ke, perjumpaan2 biasa pun...aku tak boleh lah lambat. Sebab tu la..aku sentiasa je duduk melangok tunggu orang datang tiap kali buat janji dengan orang lain...kalau make-up cantik2 ke, rambut dandan kemas2, letak minyak wangi banyak2 pun...tak guna. Bila orang2 tu dah datang, aku dah naik darah, muka pun macam cuka nak basi (cuka boleh basi ke?)...hehe...teruk kan aku?

Tu dulu-dulu lah...sekarang ni..kadang-kadang je camtu. Aku pun dah tenang sikit...aku rasa lah...nak lambat pun sekarang aku tak rasa bersalah dah...muahahahaha...senang hidup aku. Tak payah fikir pasal orang lain. Bua ape aku fikir pasal orang kalau orang tak fikir pasal aku? Hmm...tak bagus gak...sebab benda ni jadi bila dah jadi tebiat susah nak buang. Paling2 pelik aku rasa bila aku selamba dek je masuk lecture atau pegi 'ward round' lambat. Isk...malu pun takde dah...adoi...ape jadi ngan aku nih? Tak nak la jadi camni...aku dulu sentiasa menepati masa...tak boleh lambat sikit. Kalau lambat memang aku gelabah. Lagipun aku tak suka buat orang tertunggu-tunggu..tak baik tau. Tapi sekarang rasa bersalah tu dah hilang. Kenapa ek?

Mungkin kalau dalam 'setting' sosial boleh kot....alaahhh...'if u can't beat them, join them'...kan? tapi...profesionnally, aku tak nak lah buat camtu. Tapi masalah nye, kalau dah selalu sangat buat...jadi tabiat...ade2 je yang akan buat kita lambat. Sebab dalam otak tu dah set...'takpe...awal lagi...ade lagi masa...boleh jalan cepat sikit nanti...bla bla bla...' macam macam lah alasan otak tu buat nak melambatkan kita...sebab dah biasa kan. TUp tup dah terlambat...aku lari camne pun tak guna dah...sakit perut aku je lari2(takde lah lari-lari...jalan cepat-cepat je...:p) pegi lecture...sampai kat dewan kuliah dah tak larat nak dengar Dr. G tu cakap pasal isi borang 'cremation'. hmmm...kena belajar merancang masa baik2 nih...susah bila nak kerja nanti kalau camni...

Waahhhh...apesal aku tulis pasal ni pulak..ingatkan nak tulis pasal CV aku...dengan pilihan nak pegi kerja kat mana. Aku duduk je lah ka Scotland ni kot...tak payah lah nak pegi jauh2 dulu...lagipun Scotland best...hehe...kan KM? aku budak kampung..suka duduk rumah...jalan-jalan tengok pemandangan...Scotland ni kira sesuai la untuk aku. Kalau duduk bandar besar2 pun bukan aku keluar sangat pun. Paling-paling aku keluar pun pegi Tesco ngan Sainsbury kot...hehe...hmm..lama tak pegi tengok wayang. Tengok lah..lepas raya nanti aku pegi tgk ape2 yang best...the Corpse Bride tu macam best je.

Panjang la pulak....uwaaa...CV tak dapat lak idea nak tulis ape...isk isk....

*Kenapa 'umbrella man' aku tak telefon2 lagi*

Beautiful

2005-10-11T05:05:00.000+01:00

I was asked a lot of questions last night. But this question stuck in my mind.

"What did you learn from your previous relationship?"

My answer came up like a reflex...

"To value myself more..."

I surprised myself when I said it out loud. The memories flooded back into my mind, forcing me to judge myself..how I value myself back then, how I degraded myself to a point that I felt to so unworthy of anyone's love that I have to endure that kind of relationship just to be with somebody. Just to be an 'anything' not even a 'someone' to somebody...if that make any sense.

*NO...no...I am not being sorry for myself..not anymore...I am just doing a bit of self-reflection..(best done after sahur...when I had too much to eat and feeling sleepy but can't sleep cos had too much to eat..haha :p) *

Anyway, I was thinking back...the things that I had done to win his heart...up to a point where I was so desperate that I tried to make him be dependant on me. I cooked, cleaned, iron his clothes, etc...be at his beck and call anytime of the day. At that time I felt he is worth all the efforts and sacrifices I have made, and I was willing to do more. I had the lowest opinion about myself...I didn't have any pride left in me at that time to see how low I have become.

Not gonna dwell too much on it...3 years worth of self-destruction. I did a lot of self-reflection...especially when I was in that dark-hole. It always made me feel depressed, and I despised myself for allowing myself to become that low. The thing that made me more disgusted with myself was I refused to come out of it. Blinded by love? that's what my friend said..but I wasn't blinded..I saw what was happening, I saw my own 'death', I was obsessed with whatever I saw in him...I think :p Sounds like a psychopath, but oh well...this is me being honest with myself.

Now, thankfully...I can look back at all that and think... "I came out out from that hole as a person who value herself more" I am still not at the point of loving myself so much that I can just be alone and happy...I don't think I can reach that level...that fact I have accepted...painfully of course (since I always thought myself as an independent girl). I am still independant in my own way, I don't need hundreds of friends around me, a few close and dependable ones are enough...but having someone that loves me unconditionally made me realised that I am worthy of love. I still sometimes feels the need to earn it...but I know this is not some kind of prize that I have to slave myself for. This, I hope, is meant for me. As simple as that.

In a way, I am very thankful to be given this lesson *not thankful to that *%$&*&% tho* because it gave me the nudge to change, to value myself more and to love and appreciate the people around me. I can't do it by myself...I didn't reach this stage by myself...I'm blessed with a loving family, good friends and a special someone who made me realise the worthy person I could be.

*You are beautiful*

WIndyy....whoooshhh..whooosshh

2005-10-10T08:42:00.000+01:00

Typical British autumn day..today, without the rain, although I have the feeling it might rain cats and dogs in a few days/hours/minutes/seconds. It's windy...the whole night, since yesterday...can hear the wind going mad outside, like chasing some unwanted buggers out from its territory. I pity the birds trying to fly against the wind.."what are you thinking bird?!!? can't you see you can't win against the nature?" looks quite funny...the birds will just try so hard to fly , but it'll stay static in air, fighting hard against the wind. Isk...I shouldn't think it's funny...cos I look the same when I tried to walk against the wind..haha.

Hmm...not really planning to write anything...it's just me...thinking about the weather...wishing it would skip autumn, and for winter to come faster. Let it snow!! let it snow!!! Let it snow!!!

Supposed to do work...but it's soooo coldd...the bed is inviting me, looks soo cosy...my comfy thick duvet is beckoning me to curl and nest inside it. I can feel it...it's in the air..hibernating period is coming..muahaha...the thought of anything to do with chocolate is getting extra frequent now...bed looks extra comfy, my pyjama is getting warmer by the day...a hot bath...ahh...inviting...

My bed...my fav duvet cover...

Things to do today
1. Do at least a lil bit of work
2. Go Sainsbury with a friend. BUy things for tonight's dinner, we're gonna bake cake!! and I'm gonna cook rendang and nasi minyak..muahaha
3. See/talk to my dearest
4. BAke Chocolate Nut Moist Cake, or rather, I'll pretend that I know how to make it :p
5. Cook rendang and nasi minyak
6. See/talk to my dearest
7. Sing Happy Birthday to my friend, altho her bday is tomorrow
8. WIsh my dearest goodnight
9. Break fast...with that cake....yummmmm

*wishing my dearest to be here*

Is it written in the star?

2005-10-05T01:21:00.000+01:00

For the last few months, I have been paying some extra attention to horoscopes readings. Not that I really swore by it, and live my life on it...but somehow it always talks about things that are on my mind at that particular time.

Just now, unable to do any work...just so tired of trying to tie words together to make a decent discussion for my project...I resolved to reading my horoscope for today. It read:

"If you are making plans, be sure they're based on reality and not purely on what you wish would happen. Keep both feet firmly on the ground as you consider the future. If you're thinking of making some changes, talk your feelings through with loved ones. You won't act on all your thoughts and some may seem completely absurd but practical possibilities will emerge from a meaningful discussion."

I got a weird feeling in my stomach when I read this. It's a bit spooky cos when I am determine not to live my life on predictions, there it is...giving me some sort of guidance on exactly the very thing that I am thinking now. And no, there is no more to it than that, it's not just a list of possible conflicts that anyone could have at this particular day. That is the only reading for today, 5th of October 2005. Hmm..maybe I'm being too overimaginative, don't know. Just less than 2 hours ago, I was having this conflict...of trying to make decisions/plans for the future. It is all about "What I should vs What I want". I know what I should do, and I definitely know what I want. The only thing is, they are different paths that I have to choose. Am I being too wishful? To wish for the paths to cross at some point, somehow. Oh how I wish for that.

Yes...discussion with my loved ones is definitely what I need to help me with this. And I am very grateful that I have all the support I need to do this. *Baby, thank you for being there for me*

Ramadhan thoughts...

2005-10-02T20:37:00.000+01:00

Wishing Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan to all...

How I wish I'd be home, this month...when mama or papa would knock on everyone's door at 4.00 am for sahur. Even if you don't feel like eating anything at the wee hours in the morning...everyone has to sit down together at the table. Like it or not, me, sis n bro will somehow end up eating something. At least the fried chicken with rice...hmm..yummm..simple..but it's the only thing that can go down at that hour. Then, some fruits and soya bean drink to wash it all down. The cat, Benge would be meowing outside, hoping to be fed as well...happy to hear the whole household waking up at that odd hour.

After sahur, mama and papa would stay up reading the Quran, waiting for Subuh. I always ended up craving for something to eat just a few seconds before the azan Subuh can be heard. The last time I spent Ramadhan at home was 4 years ago...how I miss it. Favourite time of the day, going to Pasar Ramadhan...salivating over the smell of ikan bakar, satay, rojak, mee jawa(droolinngggg....), nasi lemak, laksa, murtabak, all the kuih-muih, and ahh...cendol. Isk.. I can't remember what else is in Pasar Ramadhan..huhuhu...*salivating already..hehe*

Of course...I will always try to be a better Muslimah during this month. I know I'm suppose to try hard to be that all the time...I'm only human. I have a lot of flaws, still not free from sins and regrets. Thankfully, I am blessed with at least having conscience and insights of what I'm doing. My wrongdoings, are not done without guilt...without praying for forgiveness. I try hard not to make the same mistakes more than once.

But, just like a child, I will still climb up the chair for the sweets on the table even though my parents warn me against it. How many times I have to fall and cut or bruise myself to listen to my parents? I don't know. What I do know, I will vow to myself to be good, everytime I fall...and get picked up by my parents..I promise myself to be a better daughter for them, not to dissappoint them. Even though somehow mistakes will be made again, I can only hope and pray that everything will turn out alright. Maybe it is wrong for me to think that way, but I'm trying...I know I'm trying.

How many lessons God needs to give me for me to learn, I don't know. What I know is everytime I had a lesson, I will learn something. Maybe I will not get the whole message...but I'll pick it up piece by piece, like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece have to be earned the hard way. The next piece of the puzzle, I pray will fall in the right place...I promise myself I'll work hard on it. I know it won't come easy, sacrifices need to be made...but I know in my heart, it is the perfect piece. Not the last piece yet, but an important piece that will make sense of everything in my life.

For this Ramadhan, I only pray for one thing. Give me strength....to be a better person, to be a good daughter to my parents and to bring happiness to my family, friends and that special someone.

Crystal

2005-09-25T23:20:00.000+01:00

Do you always trust you first initial feeling?

We take risks...we all do...most people take calculated risk. Yes...practically, we are not supposed to take risk blindly...without knowing and thinking of the 'what ifs'. FAITH is what we need. Faith...when we just know that something is just right..without having any prove to justify it, just knowing and believing in our hearts that this is how it is suppose to be. "What if I'm wrong? What if it's just my wishful thinking? " I asked myself that thousands of time...equally...I wondered...."What if this is it? What if this is what is meant for me? What if..."

In my life, I have been blessed with smooth paths...most of it. Sometimes I take risks..yes...calculated risks. Risks that I take whereby I have got nothing too precious to lose. Once, I took a blind risk...faith...my judgement failed me. I put my pride, my own dignity, my friends, my parents' trust in me on the line....Thank God...God still loves me..I didn't lose it all....lost a few friends, I felt humiliated, betrayed, my self-confidence crashed down the hill...but still...I gained a few more friends after that, my family supported me all the way...and I regained back my self-confidence...bit by bit. True, what my friend said...God took away the sunshine, gave me rainy days...just to show me..there is a rainbow behind those clouds...and the most beautiful sunshine I have ever seen. Yes, I have seen that sunshine...I live it now.

Now...I have a choice to make. I know it is obvious what is best practically, realistically. Do I dare to take another risk....a bigger one at that. My future...my happiness is on the line. Am I foolish to even think about it? maybe...I don't know...I don't even dare to ask for advice...if I was to be asked this question a month ago...I would whack that person's head for even thinking about it. Now that I have found something that I feel worth taking this risk for....I don't know what to do. My heart and my mind says different things. I am still scared of what the future holds for me.

Actually watching 'Practical Magic' now, and writing this during the intervals. My train of thoughts is a bit jumbled up. I want to write this now, cos I know I wouldn't continue if I stop now. But the romantic in me loves this movie so much...so a bit distracted when I'm writing this down.

"I want to find love that even time will lie down and stand still for me..." yes...most of us want that. And the water was closing all around...like a glove....like the love that had finally, finally found me. I think I have found that love.

"Have you ever put your hands out and spin around so fast? That is how love feels like, it makes your heart beat so fast...but you have to be careful...you have to keep your eyes open, and fix your eyes on something real...so that you won't get so dizzy you'll fall"

Yes...I have to keep my eyes open...I know that. Fix on something real. The thing is, what's real for me...is this feeling. Do I always trust my first initial feeling? No,I don't...but now..I think I do. Then I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you...drove me thru the mountains...thru the crystal-like clear water fountain...drove me like a magnet....to the sea...

***********************************************************************************

Crystal

by Stevie Nicks

Do you always trust your first initial feeling

Special knowledge holds truth bears believing

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love that had finally, finally found me

Then I knew

In the crystalline knowledge of you

Drove me thru the mountains

Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet

To the sea

How the faces of love have changed turning the pages

And I have changed oh, but you...you remain ageless

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love that had finally, finally found me

Then I knew

In the crystalline knowledge of you

Drove me thru the mountains

Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet

To the sea

For you....my angel

2005-09-24T19:39:00.000+01:00

The Way You Look Tonight
by Frank Sinatra

Some day,
when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely,
with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ...
Just the way you look tonight.

Just like a hug

2005-09-21T18:15:00.000+01:00

....this cold, fine morning....I woke up with tears in my eyes....I had a dream...not a bad dream..just a dream that left me with such intense feeling of missing someone...it's new feeling for me...it's just so raw and intense..not a bad thing either...cos I felt wonderful..having to feel such emotion in me. I felt silly for crying...that's something that I have to learn to control....I had been known to be a hard-hearted girl...but this past few years have brought out the crybaby in me :p

Although....now, when I cry, I know I won't be alone. Such comfort...such warm wonderful feeling. It is...just like a hug.

A hug..is such a wonderful thing. It's so simple, yet powerful.

*The thought of you....is just like a hug*

Saturday morning

2005-09-17T09:25:00.000+01:00

And here I am....on Saturday morning...9.30 am..in the library...woke up at 6am, daydreamt about an half hour, curled up in my safe nest(my comfy duvet), talked on the phone...*dream dream*...then took a loonngg hot shower. Then, spent half hour getting ready, listening to Graeme Gordon, a presenter from Northsound 1 Radio(local radio station) argue about the proper spelling of Graeme...*is it Graeme of Graham?* duh....you're supposed to wake people up, not put them back to sleep...but I couldn't be bothered to change the station, so I switched it off. Had toast n tea n a banana....while watching a cartoon 'Legend of the dragon' or something like that...hehe....wanted to stay and watch but the my itchy fingers dragged me away from the TV screen to go to medical school..no..no...not to study...to do a bit of my elective work (yah..right....actually..yes there are some thruths in that) and to also fulfill my daily wish...to 'talk' with dearly beloved online....*dream dream* (I haven't got internet connection at home, not yet anyway :p).

The walk from my place to the medical school is a very short one....about 20 minutes...enough for me to daydream some more, while listening to the mp3 in my hp...isk...I daydream too much don't I? hmm....well....what else am I supposed to do walking alone..talk to myself? hehe..I rather daydream...:p It was raining when I walked this morning, not really heavy...just the typical Scottish rain, morning drizzle. I had my black waterproof jacket with the fluffy hood on, so....didnt really affect me that much, except that I'm wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses today..I walked with spotted vision all the way to the medical school :p

Hmm...what am I gonna make for dinner today?... Isk...it's still wee hours in the morning and I'm already planning dinner..what's wrong with me? hmmm...last night dinner was not too bad I think..made my self a big nice chicken salad...not before gorging on half red pepper n carrot dipped with humous, n half tin of sweetcorn...yumm...

***********************************************************************************

Library very deserted...*Saturday morning....duhhh...* been here for almost an hour an not a single work done...maybe in another hour...heehee..well..I have got all day, havent I?

*Missing my angel very much...*

Do work....do workkk...

An entry of nothing in particular

2005-09-11T21:09:00.000+01:00

Home sweet home!! At last…..a place I can call home…for me to come back to everyday…warm comfy bed….hmmm…ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I wish I can fall asleep that easy, but that is not usually the case. I’d toss and turn for at least half hour..usually about an hour or so…after getting all worked up for not being able to sleep, I’d get up…walk around my room for a bit, get some warm milk or hot chocolate or horlicks whichever comes to mind. Maybe if I’m in the student mood, I ‘d open a book and try to learn something (hmmpphh..yah right..:p).

Well, last nite I had a good sleep, after few nights of troubled ones. I was coming down with a flu…my stuffs needed unpacking and being in the Monica-mode I managed to unpack most of my stuffs with half eyes closed. My throat felt like it had been scratched by a cat and walked on by some ladybugs. Hmm…I think I have been talking about bugs more often than before nowadays…wonder why…*somebody’s fault..:p*

Today I had to buy some chicken to make myself a nice chicken porridge…something that I always make myself when I’m feeling rundown. Lots and lots of ginger, garlic and black pepper..hmmm…yummm….

Happy bunny!

2005-09-07T07:45:00.000+01:00

Where do I start?

These past few weeks have been very interesting for me. So little time...and I've got several plates to spin at once. Not that I'm complaining, I'm having the time of my life. :)

My mornings have been getting brighter and more cheerful by the day, thanks to someone. *hugs*. What a wonderful way to start a day...to hear such loving voice wishing me good morning. Just as nice as it to have that luxury, for that voice to be the last thing I hear everynight before I'm off to the Lala Land. Hmmm...I'm gonna move to the next subject now...before anyone turns green :p

My elective project. I was practically sick with fear with the thought of facing my supervisor without anything to show him, apart from some pathetic 3 pages of introduction that I have attempted in 2 days. So, on Monday, when I went to his ward...crossing every fingers that I have, hoping he won't scold me too much, I put on the sweetest face I can manage (hehe...it's not that hard when you're practically overflowed with happiness :p), a really big smile...then said hi to him.

Me: Hi Mr. C!! How are you? I'm back!!!

Mr. C: Oh hi!!! So you're back?...

Me: Yes...just got here last nite. And a bit jetlagged...(hoping he'll get the hint..that I'm very tired and still not settled yet :p)

Mr.C: OK. I'm gonna be at the theatre this morning, so I'll meet you in theatre 11 in 10 minutes, we'll catch up on your progress there

Me: Errr...yah...sure (still bright eyes..n a big smile...n sweet eager face on me)

Isk..isk...go to theatre? not that I don't like going there, I love being in the operation theatre... with all the intruments...the greens...how they try to be as sterile as possible...dunno..I just like the feeling being there..(well..I am still student...dunno how I would feel if I'm the surgeon tho :p) But that morning? I wasnt prepared..I had very little bfast..barely..just a small toast, and half cup of tea. And I had an experience of almost fainting once in the operating table when I was assisting a hysterectomy...not a pleasant experienc at all...and to make it worse, I got 'scolded' by the gynaecologist for not having breakfast before going to theatre. So, from there, I always make sure I have a big breakfast before putting on the greens.

Hm...I was too anxious about my project to tell him I haven't had my breakfast yet...although I know I should have...he's a very nice surgeon anyway. Well..to cut the story short, I ended up being on my feet, assisting him in putting some plates and screws in someone's leg. This someone had been drunk the night before and jumped off a wall :p and ended up with multiple fractures of the leg (ankle+tibia+fibula). That operation took about 4++ hours...I was sweating like a pig....I was in the greens+X-ray 'shield' (cos putting the plates, need X-ray guidance)+the operating gowns which was XL size when I'm suppose to have S size + a face mask and double glove...isk...no wonder I was literally dripping with sweat..and dunno what happen to the ventilation of that theatre...it was flipping hot and stuffy in there.

Funny enough..I had a great day...altho I was bored to my pants...the surgery was interesting enough...but I was too hungry to care...my tummy was rumbling like mad..luckily the sound of the drilling machine covered that very well...plus, I was sleepy and tired, just got about 4 hours sleep the night before. So...I took a desperate action, to avoid myself from falling asleep (I dozed off for a few seconds, while standing up, holding the patient's feet..hehehe..I was impressed with myself for being able to keep the feet steady while dozing off..:p shudn't have done that..I know...)...I hummed to myself...hehe..when everyone else is so absorbed in their own work...I hummed a happy song to myself.....thanks to the drilling machine again, nobody noticed I was singing and humming a current favourite of mine, a Korean song.... by Jjang Nara called Sweet Dream...such a happy song, brings me to live everytime. Well, it worked!! I survived the whole 4++ hours...and get to talk to my supervisor..and he didn't scold me...he did give me some reminders though..he's so helpful and sweet. If only all surgeons are like him...hehe...

So, I got a happy start of the day, got to talk with my dearest, a smooth day with my supervisor...and lucky me...it lasted the whole day!!!

Need to do work now :p

Lalalala!!! I don't care! I'm a happy bunny!

Home

2005-08-30T13:56:00.000+01:00

I know...I know...was supposed to be working on my elective project. *defensive* . Just a short one yah...:p

Well...my brain just won't cooperate with me. It's refusing anything to do with medicine..anything academic. Must be all the sun back in Malaysia...cooked my brain somehow...roasted or steamed..haha...isk..no laughing matter..this is getting ridiculous.

Tomorrow...Merdeka Day. I really wish I'm in Malaysia right now. I really miss Malaysian celebration...doesnt matter if it's Merdeka Day, Raya, Chinese New Year, Gawai etc...there's somthing about Malaysian celebration that makes you feel you want to celebrate everything even though you don't have anything to do with it.

Tonite...Malaysia will be celebating it's Independance day...I won't be reflecting on what Merdeka means for Malaysia and the people. I'm sure we all know what it means and what it does not mean. And for me, I am grateful and proud to be Malaysian. Shamefully, I admit there were times when I wished that I'm born somewhere else...I dunno what I was looking for back then. I went through a period of my life where I condemned everything about Malaysia...I still do that sometime...but hey...I'm just human, OK. I love my country, yes I do. I love it more than I did last time...I guess being away from home for so long...and when I went through the hard patch of my life..not having my family and more friends to support me, physically with me...I missed the familiarity and the comfort it has provided me for the first 20 years of my life. Now I really understand what this pepatah means "hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu dinegeri sendiri, baik lagi negeri sendiri" I used to laughed at this saying...quite silly really...why would you say hujan batu is better than hujan emas? I still dunno why...but I feel it. I know that this is true for me now. Whatever it is, whatever I don't like about my country, I still love it. Not saying that I would definitely go back to Malaysia and work and settle there...I still have not decide on that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Malaysia is my home. In my heart, I would always come home, no matter where I am. I am comfortable there, I am happy there, I feel safe there.

It's just like when you found something that you have been looking for...for so long. Just to find it right in front of you..it has been there..right under your nose for this whole time. And when you found it...it just fell onto your lap, like, it was always meant to be there all this time. You feel at home...where you belong.

I have found my home.
*I got two things on my mind when I say this :p*

Kepada semua rakyat Malaysia...di mana jua berada...
Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan yang ke-48.

My miracle

2005-08-28T10:37:00.000+01:00

Looks like I have found my miracle. There is hope after all...as hard as the wind blows, the flame grows brighter...shining the light onto this difficult path ahead. I want to walk this path...as I know I won't be alone...someone special is holding my hand...walking beside me...I feel safe. My angel, my love, my miracle...I know...he will always be there.

Candle in the wind

2005-08-22T14:02:00.000+01:00

“My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night,
But ah my foes and oh my friends,
It gives a lovely light…” –roald dahl-

Yes…it does…it gives me a lovely light. Such a beautiful light, glowing nicely, it warms me deep in my heart. Although…I know it will not last the night, it is not meant to be forever…I have accepted it. It has ended the moment it began…yet I am still holding onto an invisible rope that hangs at the edge of the cliff.

Until that rope disappears, I’ll just hold on, praying for a miraculous escape. After that, when I can’t hold on to it anymore or if the rope tears on me, I’ll just fall…just like I did the last time. How hard I do not know, for I don’t know how real this is for me. I just know that whatever happens, he’ll be there for me. It doesn’t matter whether he’s with me picking up the pieces, or is just watching me from afar giving me silent wishes and encouragement…it doesn’t matter. This, I know is someone who really cares and I can feel it strongly in my heart. For that, I thank you.

Why oh why I asked The Almighty repeatedly…why this? Why give me something that is not meant for me..something that You’ll take back. …for these questions I asked of You…I am sorry I am after all is just human. I only ask when I am lost…and now I am. This ‘thing’…is still too new, fragile…like a baby. I don’t have the strength, nor the courage to nurture it. Time, distance and the important things/persons in our lives…are all against this. Those are things that we cannot change. If only time is on my side…I’d like to see where this path is leading me to….

“I do not ask to walk smooth paths,
Nor bear an easy load,
I pray for strength and fortitude,
To climb the rock-strewn road….” –Gail Brook Burket-

Alas, time is not mine to control. All I have now is his hands on mine…for just a little while. I am grateful for that. And when the time comes for us to let go, I’ll do it with a very heavy heart…knowing that I have lost an angel who has been watching me for all this years, without me knowing it.

The candle is still burning, although I can see it's getting smaller. Funnily enough, the light is getting brighter as it gets towards the end. Sadly, the wind is getting stronger as well...soon..the light will flicker and like it or not...it will die. This will die...I am sorry to say this...for love...feeds on hope. Hope is what I can't see between us.

I thank you for the light.

Stormy weather

2005-08-18T00:45:00.000+01:00

Writing in the flight again. It’s 15 minutes pass 9pm.

Funny how the weather reflects my mood most of the time. It’s slightly stormy tonight, I can see the lightning so clearly outside the window, I always ask for the window seat for short flights such as this. I like watching the runway, as the plane goes faster and faster until it lifted off into the stormy sky. Scary, yet I felt strangely in tune with the weather. As if it’s talking to me.

“It’s stormy and scary, I know. But it’s part of nature, the plane will just have to pass through the stormy cloud. Most of the time, it will be fine. Don’t fret.”

My knee-jerk reaction has always been to say my prayers and imagine the worst thing that could happen. I wouldn’t write it down just now…it’s too scary to even to think about it now as I am still not safely on land.

Got to switch off my laptop, they are starting to serve dinner, I can smell airplane food miles away…hmm..let me rephrase that. I can smell any food from miles away…hehe. I wonder what are they serving tonite.

**********************************

I’ve just had dinner. They had options of fish with rice and chicken with noodle. I chose the latter, fish is never a good idea for plane food. I had food poisoning once due to plane food. It was two years ago when I came back from UK using MAS. They had options of beef with potatoes and salmon pasta. But when it was my turn, they had run out of beef..so I had no choice but to have the salmon pasta. I didn’t mind at all as I love salmon, but I’m never too keen on pasta. Pasta is always my last resort, if there are no other things to eat, then I’ll go for it.

Anyway, after a few hours of reaching Malaysia, I had the most awful tummy ache and my gut contents was pouring out of both ends of my alimentary system(isk..too much information here .I am sorry if anyone is eating when you’re reading this blog..just need to emphasize the seriousness of the situation…:p). I went to the clinic the next day, and the doctor suspected it was a food poisoning due to the fish because I hardly had anything else when I reached Malaysia that time. It went on for about 3 days, and I lost about 2.5 kg mostly due to the dehydration. I was secretly thrilled that I got the food poisoning because it was a speedy way to lost more than 2 kg in three days…haha…(although I am not hoping for another incident…it was horrible).

OK… back to the weather report..hehe. It looks like it’s calming down. Less lightning from where I see it. Just a few sparks of lightning in the distance every now and then. Maybe it is always like this, I don’t know. Maybe the storm is always just at the beginning, as the plane progresses further up in the sky, it will enter the calm zone. The place where it is always calm and peaceful. We don’t always know how the weather at the destination is. Although the modern technologies nowadays enable us to foresee the weather, it can always change. It can always be different from what we expected, it can be worse than we hoped for, but then, it can also be the best weather that we have ever encountered. We can only prepare and hope for the best.

Felt a kick on my seat. Darn. Those two brats sitting behind me are making so much noise they even make the noise from the plane engine sounds like whispers. More kicks..and another and another. What the ****? If I’m the mum of those two I’ll probably strap those tiny kicking feets and give them diazepam or something equal. Haha…evil thoughts. I wonder if I can keep my cool if my children acts like spoilt brats, especially in public. I’m never very good with children, especially toddlers. Little babies I can cope with for a couple of hours, I think…hehe..but toddlers…please oh please get them away from me. Unless they are the type of children that are nice and quiet clever ones..like Matilda in Roald Dahl’s book…hahha…I love that book. Read it a long time ago, now re-reading it (bought a new copy of it two days ago in MPH) dunno why. Missing my youth I suppose. A bit nostalgic. It has been a nostalgic week for me.

The plane is going to land pretty soon. I can feel the plane wobbling again. Hmm..not a good weather out there. Not so good…hmm…and those two brats are kicking my seat more furiously now. Keeping my cool, amazingly…I’m not having any palpitations yet..not clenching my teeth until my temporomandibular joints click like mad..like I always do when I'm stressed out. There goes the announcement.

*********************************

Safely landed, now at home. Everybody's sleeping, but my mind is working overtime as always. Checked my email...hmmm...hmmm...hmmmmmmmmmmm..........

Nah! there you go...a bite of honesty for me *Gulp*

See if I can swallow that.

Heart. Tummy. Butterflies. Flowers. Cliff. Rocky sea. Storm ahead. or is it behind me already?

*to jump or not to jump* *u jump, I jump* comes to mind. There's only one obvious easy choice.

Danger. Alert!Alert!

Damn, where's that memory wipe programme thingy?

Food of love

2005-08-17T10:11:00.000+01:00

Went to Secret Recipe with a friend...been dying to go there since I got here. But Aunty is watching her sugar intake, so I didn't want to tempt her.

Marble Cheesecake for me....Chocolate Mudcake for you...yummm...yummmmmmm

Marble cheesecake from Secret Recipe. Cheesecake...yummm...one of my gulity pleasure. Utter bliss...heaven delicacy on earth...or is it pure sin?

hmmmm...hmmmm.....eyes closed...licking my lips....ehmmphh...a bit seductive....hmmmm..yummm...I don't care if other people is watching...hahaha...

"Mmmm....It's soooo good it must be sinful" quote from Desperate Housewives (huh? muahahaha... *wondering how on earth I've manage to remember that*)

Btw...I've read 'Food of Love" by Anthony Capella. Definitely recommended to all food lovers and the romantics at heart....deliciously seductive...LOL

(Kept this entry as draft for two days already..forgot to bring my USB cable for picture transfer from camera...not very good pictures...battery very weak..isk..)

Just thinking..of nothing

2005-08-17T01:40:00.000+01:00

Thought I've learnt. I have not. My heart tried to take over despite its wound. My judgement failed me again..or is it just misunderstood by my heart's desire. Told myself over and over again...don't give in to your heart...the heart does not understand about life. It does not care what happens in reality, reality is something people turns to when the heart gives up what it most desires...LOVE. Why do we have the same image when we picture heart and love? I don't know...who created that symbol? (I should find that out..rajin pulak...heheh..too much time on my hand..that's why silly thoughts keep popping on my mind...*said a friend to me*).

I don't know where this thoughts of mine are going to. I guess this time I just want to write something..altho it doesn't really say much about what I'm feeling at the moment. I have let my guard down...too quickly...foolishly.

I guess being too hopeful in life IS a dangerous thing to do. That's all. It's like choosing where to stand on either extremes of how we look at life. Cynicism (on other extreme) and Fantasy-kinda-Optimism(the other end). With being realistic and hopeful in the middle of the line...it's hard for me to be stable in the middle of the line if the rope of life keep moving right and left, up and down (just imagine the tight-rope thingy in circus). I'd prefer to chose Fantasy-kinda-Optimism over cynicism...I still want to see the beautiful things in life. I still want to appreciate the sunset on the beach, although I know it will get dark soon after it sets, then it will be dangerous for me to get home, then some dodgy person might come up to me and try to kill me or anything..bla bla...So many horrible things could happen, but I don't care. I DON'T CARE.

My heart will do anything it wants. It will bleed until it get scarred for life. Make more mistakes, get more scars...until it gets exhausted and succumb to cruel fact of life...reality. Until then, I'll savor the pain...as long as my heart can feel something...as when when the heart succumbs to reality and stand on the cynical spot(where it is more stable), it will feel nothing...just numbness.

I am learning to feel. I am learning to listen. My heart says sorry, "I didn't mean to make miniME to feel like this". Emotional was not under control, confusion sets in and mind goes.."what the heck...lets get it done and over with, she's gonna get hurt anyway,damage is done..."

My deepest and utmost apologies.

It's just a little mistake. But I thank God that it happened to me...He showed me that there will always be another.

I'll sleep. And tomorrrow will just be another ordinary day.

Plate of thoughts...choking!! choking!!!

2005-08-15T10:13:00.000+01:00

Had so many thoughts for the last few days. Blog it or not to? My fear is if I put it into words it will not reflect what I actually feel. "Words..don't come easy to me.." from one of my favourite song.

Things that are on my mind:

1. My elective project..have not even started reading the journals yet...let alone preparing spreadsheet for my supervisor to look at. Waaarggghhh!! when will I ever learn not to procastinate???

2. My dear Canon Powershot A70. Dropped it few weeks back. Went to Canon Centre in KL to repair it, the quotation was RM445!!!! Whaa???!!!! So I took it back...maybe will give it to my brother/parents...wait till extra money miraculously appear, then send it for repair. My sis generously offered her camera which is originally bought for mama n papa, but they said they don't really need it at the moment and offered it to me. I selfishly agreed and took it. Hmmm...bad daughter/sister. I am feeling guilty at the moment, and hoping that my parent really do not need the camera. Because I really need them, for my self-discovering mission..haha...

3. My life seems to be leading me to a possibly very difficult path. Still in early days, not too late to turn back, but I am curious to see how it will turn out. Unsurprisingly, I doubt my own sincerity (my life is full of doubts..esp lately). A friend advised me to learn to listen to my own doubts...i'm trying my best to do so. But as Victoria Beckham sang (hehehe..Mrs Beckham can sing???...i'm being mean of course..she's one determine lady tho..hehheh) "My heart has a mind of its own..." Heart has a funny way of playing with life. It speaks its own words...we can't understand it..but foolishly we obey them..we just follow them wherever it leads us. Before we know it...we have become our own slave..to please our heart. The mind (esp the logical ones) will be ranting and cursing us all throughout the ordeal..."silly girl...why can't you see how wrong this is??..bla bla bla....". But do we listen???? mostly NO. We don't. Then we got hurt, our heart got hurt..it cries, it bleeds. But the mind (like most parents)..would maybe initially say "I told you so"..but then will whisper to the heart.."shhhh..it's ok...you're going to be fine..it will pass..so on and so on" The mind will usually nurse the heart until it heals. It will do most of the thinking for us before the heart comes back to its feet(if it has any..haha..lame lame..tsk tsk)..and take over from the mind again. The cycle goes on. The dangerous thing that always happen is the when the heart tries to take over when it is not fully healed yet. We got fooled into thinking that we are finally doing fine, and are all ready to take the next step. It's like trying to walk with broken leg. But then, how will we know if we are ready to walk if we don't take the first step? Curious..curious..."Curiosity kills the cat,but it won't kill me" (quoting from a friend). Do I have anything to lose? Yes..I suppose I have. Something that I have just discovered, and have yet to enjoy and cherish. Taking a risk is when you are willing to lose something in return. Can I afford to lose this..I don't think so. I wouldn't want to.

4. ????

5. ????

6. ????

Other things on my mind but suddenly I feel tired. A lot more to write, but writing it in this state of mind (hazy and full of confusion) will not do it justice. Like I said, the heart speaks in its own words. My mind need to work extra hard in order to understand my heart. Isk..I'm not making any sense anymore..getting more corny by the minutes...better stop writing now before someone turns green (sick).

Go sleeeeepp...sleeeepp...

Sekolahku syurgaku

2005-08-12T07:57:00.000+01:00

Writing in the flight, will copy it to post later. Although I just had 2 hours worth of sleep, my eyes just wont cooperate with me. Shouldn’t have had the nasi lemak and coffee. my tummy is feeling a bit weird at the moment. Woke up at 4.30 am, my flight was schedule for 6.30 am, stayed up until 2 this morning, chatting with a very dear friend.

Sigh...missing the good old days in high school. Everything seems so simple and straight forward. Well, for me at least. I had almost everything an average student could have asked for. I was a prefect, a librarian, in the school magazine committee, and in the school radio committee (started by my own class teacher). I tried my hands on everything I dared to try…public speaking (syarahan and debate), berbalas pantun (haha), nasyid, scrabble competition, essay writing competition, school play (played Mahsuri’s mother hehe…:p) and I think I did a few things more I could’t think of at the moment. I joined the Scout, tried my luck in archery(not very good at it though)..I was not blessed in the sports section(being the minime hehehe, but I was quite good in martial arts. Tried Karate for a few months, but decided on Taekwondo instead. Did Taekwondo for a good 6 years (primary 3 until form 3). Represented my club in a few tournaments, but that was in primary school and lower secondary. I am still very proud of my martial arts skill, I seem to have a knack for it…hehe..maybe I’ll continue it sometime in the future. Well, I did 2 years of Karate in uni during my first two years…but studying medicine, I feel that it drained me off a lot of things. Can’t seem to think of anything else other than medicine..hmmpphh..

Anyway, in upper secondary, I got too many things on my plate, and then I decided to drop a few things to concentrate on my studies. I was very fortunate that my parents can afford to send me to tuition class. I went to Add Maths, Chemistry and Physic tuition class, plus my brilliant teachers in school, I had no problem with those three subjects in SPM. I am very thankful for that.

Oopps…the head steward just announced that the flight is going to land soon. Gotta switch the laptop off. Looked out the window….the whole palm oil plantation looks hazy..jerebu very bad in Selangor it seems…IPU about 300-400…the smoky smell is already hovering in the flight cabin…isk..not a good sign. Will write again soon

Shop!shop!shop!shop!

2005-08-08T16:49:00.000+01:00

Today I bought a black hooder, a pink shirt, a belt and a cute pink pair of sneakers...unintentionally. I was supposed to only accompany my sister to the bank, and for some mysterious reason we ended up in the shopping mall...hmmm...really weird...My sister and I, a dangerous combo. Bad influence on each other, although today I was the worst. She managed to stop herself from buying not more than a pair of sneaker and a belt (only because her credit card didn't get through and she was out of cash). If her credit card does its job today, I could only imagine the worst..hehe...

Isk..couldn't help myself, I keep converting RM to pound sterling..Why do I keep doing that? I don't understand. Everytime I see the pricetag, my brain would automatically convert it to pound..then, you know what comes next...

"EEiii!!! Murahnye!!! (kene beli ni..)" Help!! is that normal??? How do I stop it? I'm gonna do a BIG damage to my bank balance if I keep doing this...but then again...who cares? (sian mama...I'm such a bad daughter...nanti ye....doakan miniMe dpt kerja nanti..then I'll repair the damage..isk...)

List of things I've bought so far (in less than a month!!!!)

1. A pair of green sandals
2. A pair of brown shoes
3. A pair of pink sneakers
4. A pink dress (dunno what I was thinking)
5. A pink kimono-style blouse
6. A pink shirt (what??pink lagi??)
7. 2 baby-T (black and blue)
8. A black hooder
9. 2 handbags (1 pink and another is white/beige)
10. A laptop + webcam + mic/headset (dug the largest hole in my bank account..hehe)
11. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince book (haven't finish reading it yet)
12. A purple-rimmed glasses
13. 3 pairs of contact lenses
14. 3 pairs of jeans (light blue, black, washed-out black/grey)
15. 3 pairs of trousers (white, dark green, beige)
16. A belt
17. 2 dangly earrings
18. A light-brown flowery necklace
19. 2 skirts (brown and green)
20. Not to mention the manic-type shopping spree in Guardian and Watson!!! (I'm too ashamed of myself to list the things down..waargghh..macam orang baru keluar dari gua!!)

What?? (And what's with all the pink stuffs? DID NOT intentionally look for pink items! just to be clear on that :))

*slap* *slap* OMG!!! Did I really bought all that? Didn't realise how much until I listed it here. And here I thought I'd go shopping(again) with my friend WS in KL next week. Fat chance..I'm so broke. I'm just gonna go to KL, meet my friends, go to the wedding, see my one and only niece(mama's side), and try to restrain myself from going to the mall (and do some serious damage to my credit card bills). Waaarrghh!! I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that..hehe...I just don't know where has my sensible head gone to since the last few months.

No more sensible miniMe...just the whatever-miniMe.

I like the new miniMe.

A trip down memory lane

2005-08-06T17:42:00.000+01:00

These are some of the pictures I took last year in Inverness. Spent a few days there during my short summer break.

Inverness is truly a beautiful place, I wouldn't mind spending my whole life living in such a place. The lake, famous for its cute 'little monster', Nessie, is stretched as far as my eyes could see. With the mountain as its backdrop, it is just a perfect picture of God's creation at its best. My words and pictures I took couldn't do it justice.

Dunno why I thought of digging these old pictures. Found it in my old laptop, managed to rescue it before my uncle gave my old laptop the full works. My time spent in Inverness is very precious to me, one of a few episodes of my life in UK that is worth keeping in memory.

When I took this picture, I didn't realise there is a couple on the balcony. I dunno why, but for me, this picture is just perfect. It has got the scenery (the sky, mountain, lake and the castle) and also the romance. It's the union of nature and love (whatever kind of love) that had the impact on me. I wish I know what's the story between them, but maybe it is best for me not to know. Most probably I won't like the true story, I'll just make up my own. It's more special that way. Reality will take away the wonderful feeling that I have everytime I look at this picture.

Reality sucks...

Mirror mirror on the wall

2005-08-02T08:29:00.000+01:00

I went to KFC 2 days ago. Ordered a Zinger burger meal. The person who's taking the order asked me, " Kakak nak sit in ke take away?" Erk...whhaa?? Rewind balik...Kakak? Moi? Huh? I glanced over my shoulder in case there's someone worthy of the title kakak standing behind me. There's only a guy in his mid-20s looking very impatient, lapar sangat kot. I watched the girl's face, looks like she's in her mid-20s as well, more or less my age. WHy? WHy call me kakak?

After lunch, I quickly went home and sat in front of my mirror, any wrinkles? mm..maybe around my eyes, my eyebags are HUGE!!! warrgghh!! too much crying, lack of sleep, wayy too much time spent staring at the computer screen..heheh...

Maybe she's right...I do look old, maybe I need to put more makeup? isk..noo....no....why do I mind so much? do I? I never used to mind about getting old and showing it (maybe because I always looked the youngest among my friends..yay!), well...can't stop it. Maybe will stock-up anti-ageing cream for the next 50 years...hahah...one can only try...I won't give up without fighting.

What about ageing gracefully? is there such a thing? I personally don't think so. We have to work at it...take care of yourself, good diet, exercise, enough water, if you want to do extra, take jamu or whatever supplements that are available on the counter. Of course beauty comes from within, have good thoughts, be nice to people, watch your temper, be patient, less sceptical etc. Not so easy eh? with studies/work/relationship /world crisis wherever we go, how can one keep ones' inner beauty? I guess we'll just have to do our best..if desperate(not being judgemental here), there's so many things available if u'r willing to try (and if you got the money); Botox, VitC injection(?), cosmetic surgery, laser treatments etc...you name it, they've got it. Why not? Why not spend your money on yourselves once in a while? I know, I know, easier said than done, I've got no responsibilities yet. I dunno, I'll know when my time comes. Can't say too much yet.

People say I'm a late bloomer. At 23 I have just only started experimenting on clothes, makeups, accessories, all the girlie thingys...oh well..better late then never i guess. Identity crisis? maybe...it takes one big nudge in my life to start all the little things that will make me a somebody later in life.

****

Distracted by my MSN and YM, can't remember what I was gonna write just now...should I save as draft and continue tomorrow? nahh..I'll just post it, it wont be the same as writing what I'm thinking at the very moment. I got the sniffles *sniff sniff* , breathing thru my mouth like goldfish (not that they 'breathe' thru their mouth..hehe) . A bit groggy, maybe from all the panadols I'm taking, then again, I did went to sleep at 4 am yesterday (went out with frens for coffee..coffee=insomnia and toilet every 5 minutes). I can't produce a decent sentence at the moment...I need to lie down and sleep.

****

Haven't even read my Harry Potter book, bought it 2 days ago. It's still in the shopping bag. Usually I'll be up all nite reading it once I get my hands on it. What is the matter with me? I'm really feeling old at the moment.

Why blog?

2005-07-31T13:32:00.000+01:00

Why did I decided to start blogging? Why would I want other people to know my innermost thoughts, my joy, anger, humiliation and pain?

I was a very private person (still am in some way), I never reveal to other people what I think, I don't like people to know what I'm thinking because I feel that they would know my weakness and I don't like to be perceived as vulnerable and weak. I don't want people to know what is happening with me or what had happened to me because I don't like people analyzing my life.

I feel that the recent 4 years of my life was unknown to a lot of my family/friends. Those are the years that I've been hiding from people. I made the most mistakes, I cried more in those 4 years than I've ever cried in my whole life put together. But during that time I also learnt the most about love, trust, and myself. I wish I can say that I learnt about boys/men/women, but I don't think I can ever understand them. Geez, I don't even understand myself.

So, when I got the big D(dumped!) I felt lonely. I felt that my life went by unnoticed.
I wake up, go to wards/clinic/library. Meet some people, say hi, chit-chat a bit, then byebye.
Go home, have dinner, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in student hall, so I didn't have any close housemates. I've a got a few close friends, and 2 of them I called almost everyday, and another one I saw almost everyday(u know who you are, thank you v. much NIMO,WS and KM! hehe). I know I've got a very supporting family and friends, but I couldn't help feeling that something/someone is amiss. There's so many things that I wanted to tell and share, but I couldn't dump it all on my friends, they've got their own life too.

Then, a very dear friend(love you KM!) suggested that I should start reading blogs. Just to forget my own problems for a while, to know about other people's lives, how strong they are, how funny life can be. I was sceptical at first as I didn't really like the idea of telling the world about your life/private/innermost thoughts. I thought it's only for people who like the limelights, mencapub (mencari publisiti) kata orang...hehe(sorry!!somebody ketuk my kepala!..). I just brushed the idea aside for a few days, till KM sat me down and put her laptop in front of me. She opened a few blogs and let me read it. After a reading a few entries, I was hooked! I had no idea people (who are not journalist/writer) can write so well, and it never fails to amaze me how similar my life is to some people. Luckily I didn't have my own internet connection in my room at that time or else, I would probably be in UK just now doing my re-sit.

KM suggested that I should blog, just to vent out my feelings and thoughts at that time. I was really down, crying all the time, and to top it all my most important exam was just about a month away. I didn't have the luxury of time to nurse my broken heart, I needed an outlet to express my frustration. I let it out on a few friends, but I can't keep dumping my frustration on them all the time. I toyed with the idea of blogging for a few days, I wasn't confident about putting my feelings in writing because I fear it would come out as a joke, too corny, too planned if you know what I mean. I did edit my first few entries like hundreds times(just to exaggerate), because I kept rereading it, finding flaws in it, like, oh..too corny...or I sounded like I was desperate, or stupid..or something along that line. But then, I realised that the sincerity of my writing was decreasing the more I edited it. Now, I try not to read my blog(although I still do sometimes). If my thoughts are to be put out for the world to know, I want it to be sincere.

I know, by putting my thoughts/life out in the open, my life will be constantly analyzed. I want it to be that way now, I need help. I need some guidance, because now I know it is easier to see faults or blessings when you're seeing it from an outsider's/stranger's perspective. I'm counting my blessings now, and I know I should be grateful. The Guy up there have been very generous to me and I shouldn't be asking 'why me?' too much. I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

**********

Didn't realise it's already 1.30 am. I need to wake up before 6 am, tomorrow, papa wants to go jogging. Poor papa, had chest pain for quite sometime, quite a scare. Doctors (including the two perasan doctors, me and little sister) said he need to do more exercise. As a result, the whole family have to go too...isk...would be fun, although my sister and I may be a bit grumpy for a few hours..haha!

ok...nite nite

Matahari

2005-07-29T01:51:00.000+01:00

Kenapa kalau kita mencari, tak pernah berjumpa apa yang dicari.

Kadang-kadang, ape yang kita minta, Allah tak kasi. Instead, Dia bagi something else yang kita tak nak, and mungkin yang diberikan itu lagi baik dari ape yang kita minta.

Text dari seorang kawan:

Kadang2 Allah hilangkan sekejap matahari,
kemudian Dia datangkan pula guruh dan kilat.
Puas kita menangis mencari mana matahari kita,
rupa-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi yang indah...

Masa-masa frust camni, it doesn't help that much other than giving hope. It doesn't lessen the pain, humiliation and anger that I'm still feeling at the moment. It has been three months and it still feels like yesterday.

Kenapa tak move on? I'm trying, I'm trying. I tried talking about it so much in the hope that I'll get sick of it. I tried crying so hard I got blurred vision for a week, hoping that I'll run out of tears. I still cried myself to sleep at night sometime. I tried not talking about it at all, I became too quiet and melancholic then.

I give up trying to be strong. I've always been the strong one, I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted. I want to cry, I want to be held, I want a hug, I don't want to be strong. When you're strong people always run you down and expect you to be able to rise and pick up the pieces because you are supposed to be strong.

But I know I have to. There is no one who will pick up the pieces for me. I'll have to find my missing link, maybe I'll find it, or it will find me. Either way, I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it.

***********

SO much work to dooo!!! MY elective project I haven't started, not even a bit. Need to start on my CV as well. Have not decided where to apply for job. Do I say up north? or do I go down to England? I love it up here, but there is too much painful memories. I need a fresh start. I need somewhere where I can start a new life.

Going to KL in weeks. Only for 6 days. A friend is getting married, and my cousin is getting engaged! My cousin is only 22. Mama and papa had a debate just now about should engagement be necessary. I don't think engagement is such a good idea if they don't plan on getting married yet. I won't say much about this just yet, because I won't know until my time comes. I just hope my cousin did not do this because he feels that he's got to. He's a good guy, any girl would be lucky to end up with him. Decent guys are a rarity these days, no wonder girls are so quick to get married/engaged once they find the "right one"(whatever that means).

My sister said; Bertunang tak menghalalkan ape2 pun...exactly what I thought as well. But who are we to say anything when jodoh di tangan Allah. Maybe for some, pertunangan tu yang menguji relationship sebelum berkahwin(trial period kata org), if that is necessary to lead to marriage, then who are we to judge? What I don't really agree is pertunangan untuk mengikat, to reserve, nak cop dulu, whatever you call it. But hey, then again, who are we to judge?

A lot more to say in this thing, but head is so congested. Sleepy and hungry. Weird combo. Need to take money tomorrow, need to buy laptop. Yayyy!! can't wait!!

Beautiful places

2005-07-28T11:55:00.000+01:00

NICE beach

Raw fishyyy!!! My first meal(starter) in NICE. Salmon and tuna was great, didn't eat the raw sardine though...errmmm...not that appealing

The F1 track in Monte-Carlo

Le Jardin Exotique, Monaco

http://www.jardin-exotique.mc/accueil_eng.htm

Underground, the Observatory Cave in Le Jardin Exotique

View of Monaco Port from on top of a hill (climbed 9 flights of steps....hehe)

Monte-Carlo Casino, Monaco

Cathédrale Orthodoxe Russe Saint Nicolas

Cannes Film Festival - where it is held

Berhenti Mengharap

2005-07-28T09:50:00.000+01:00

This song really touched me. hope I can do it someday...BERHENTI MENGHARAP.
And pulang tanpa dendam, there's too much regrets and anger in me.

Wish I know how to post audio in this blog thingy...help!!

Berhenti Mengharap
by Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi
dengan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar di sini
tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi
akan guna matahari
yang dulu mampu terangi
sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita
bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam
bila putih menyenangkan

ooo..oooo

aku pulang...tanpa dendam
kuterima.. kekalahanku
aku pulang...tanpa dendam
kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita

Green is just not my colour

2005-07-28T01:11:00.000+01:00

Recalled a conversation with mama a few days ago.

Mama scolded my sister for going out with one of her male friend who is not her boyfriend.

Tak baik orang tengok she said. Dah ade boyfriend, pastu keluar dengan lelaki lain, M is a small town. People will talk.

Kenapa nak peduli orang cakap ape? Kalau nak jaga sangat ape orang lain cakap, sendiri yang sakit hati. I said. A defensive attitude I developed after 20 years of trying to please everyone around me, but making myself frustrated and angry in the process. Now I don't care what other people(who doesn't matter to me) think about me.

Kita hidup dalam community. Mama and papa need people's support to do our job(mama and papa are both in education). Kalau nama mama and papa buruk, nanti susah nak buat kerja.
Then mama told me about our front neighbour who badmouthed mama to other people. What?? mama kena fitnah? The so-called neighbour(DO) told another neighbour(lets call her AK) that mama treated our Indonesian helper(Kak M) badly. AK told mama about it because they had been neighbours since mama was a little kid, and she knows mama would not do such a thing. Mama was horrified, she told Kak M about it. Then Kak M told my mum that apparently the DO's maid had been coming to our house and saying bad stuffs about mama.

Kenapa dengki sangat? I don't understand why people have to badmouth other people around them. To make them feel better about themselves? This things always makes me frustrated with Malay/Muslim community. Makes me think twice about coming back and living in Malaysia. I don't like to gossip about R's big cars, S's big house, about G's pretty daughter marrying an ugly and balding rich tycoon. I don't like to analyse other people's marriage, I don't want to know why T's husband is cheating on her, or why suddenly W is not wearing tudung and going to Marie France's Bodyline. But sometimes, I realised when I refuse to join in this kind of conversation(gossipping) I feel that I am being unfriendly and somewhat stuck-up. Not to say that I'm so angelic that I don't gossip at all...of course I do(I am only human...), I do gossip with a very few people that are close to me, but not with just anyone I meet on the street. I do not make assumptions based on nothing or make up stories out of nowhere just because I want to be in a conversation or for whatever reasons.

Diorang jealous kat mama kot. Mama said.

Isy, kenapa pulak jealous kat mama? Perasan best pulak mak aku nih...hehe...

Ye la...anak2 mama semua turned out OK, belajar oversea, yang perempuan cantik2 (isy..puji anak sendiri pulak dia...buat2 tersipu malu my sister and me...hehe) buat medic pulak dua2 tu. H(my brother) pun not bad jugak masuk uni buat engineering. Mama and papa ramai orang respect (being in education). Equally, mesti ade orang dengki. My sister and I terkedu.

Envy. Evil thing.

Chocolate dream

2005-07-27T15:25:00.000+01:00

"Di kala engkau mencari cinta
Aku memberi... tapi tak pernah kurasakan
Di kala aku dilamun cinta dengan dirimu
Mengapa kau jauh dariku...."

-Haruskah by Adam-

*************

Woke up 11.30am this morning. Whatt?? anak dara ape ni bangun lambat? anak dara frust... hehe...bangun pagi gosok gigi...makan chocolate cadbury my aunt brought from London...yummm..why is chocolate from UK and Malaysia so different? seems too much milk in Malaysian chocolate...kedekut cocoa nih...

Going to aunty's house after this...for more chocolate...hehe..and Belgian cheese...nyummmm...my aunty just came back from holiday, brought a whole load of chocolate and cheese...iskk..there goes my diet...why didn't I eat more weird cheese when I'm in UK?
All I ever ate was cheddar, mozarella and edam. Tried goat's, blue cheese(yekk) and feta..not too bad..bad won't eat it often. Tried Camembert(dunno how to spell it) cheese in Nice, smellyyyyy..but ok.

Chocolate is beckoning me from aunty's house...need to go...

Einstein MiniMe

2005-07-27T12:17:00.000+01:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Detached? Kinda true. Intelectual? hmm...haha...explore the unknown....and get killed in the process. I'm gonna invent Selective Memory Programme to help/destroy the future mankind. As they say, what you don't know won't hurt you.

Things to do today:

Buy tauhu...make tauhu sumbat
Wear skirt, work on my posture
Save the world or kalau susah sangat destroy it(easier kot)

The Beach

2005-07-27T00:30:00.000+01:00

My favourite beach in my little hometown. Almost sunset, but didn't stay long enough to get pictures of sunset. (before Canon down..isk..)

Canon oh Canon

2005-07-26T23:56:00.000+01:00

Waarrghhh!! i dropped my dear Canon!

Got up about 4.30 am, showered...drove mum to airport. Her flight was at 6.30am, going to Penang for a meeting. Got back home at about 7am, but cant get back to sleep...my mind was too busy torturing itself, memories..memories...damn you..

Went out for a drive at quarter to 8...ramainye orang!! forgot it was the rush hour..what's wrong with all malaysian drivers? as far as I remembered, I was taught such things as signalling before turning and slowing down at corners...am I so old? Drove for about 30 minutes before I decided to go to the beach. It was quiet as I expected, but not deserted. a security guard wondering around, a guy sitting on a log staring at the sea(cheh...tiru my idea..hehe)..well..not really, my favourite spot is the big rocks stretching about 150 metres into the sea. just to sit there on the rocks, watching the big waves crashing into tiny droplets...bliss..

Anyway, I was struggling to walk on the big rocks to reach the perfect spot (why did they build this jetty on the rocks...it spoilt the fun of jumping on the rocks to reach the end of the long stretch) . I slipped and tried to steady myself but my dear Canon slipped from my hand and the lens which was jutting out hit the rock...huhuhu..it got jammed after that...could not zoom anymore..need to repair it in KL..isk..luckily am going to KL next month. Oh well, it didn't spoil my melancholic mood anyway. I sat on the rock and cried and just be weak and hopeless romantic for about one and the half hours.

Felt silly after that, then went back to my car and drove to another beach, the Esplanade they call it. Locked my car from inside, sat there and put on a Malay CD, a compilation of Akademi Fantasia students..not bad..I love a song called Haruskah from Adam. Made me cry. Cried again for a few minutes..I ran out of fluid to waste(hehe)...too much crying for the past months...my reservoir is running low...good thing i suppose? then I just sat in the car just thinking of anything that comes to mind. Can't remember any of it now...maybe not important enough...felt good to cry tho.

Went home about 10.30 am. Then went shopping like maniac with dear sister...woohooo!!! all problems solved!!!

Bought a dress and 2 skirts...err..am I serious? Buang tebiat

Eternal Flame

2005-07-22T09:17:00.000+01:00

Close your eyes, give me your hands, darling...Can you feel my heart's beating?...Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning...AN ETERNAL FLAME...

Apparently, I WAS only dreaming...an the flame was my own burning fingers trying to torch my way into his dark cold heart.

The Leap

2005-07-22T08:32:00.000+01:00

Run Forrest! Run!! I wanna run away!! or should I jump? jump the famous cliff in my beloved city of M. Famous for the cliff of death..took how many lives God knows how many...beautiful scenery..beautiful cliff...such a shame that it got famous because of its ability to attract depressed young girls who got dumped by stupid idiots who didnt care a single shit about them. SHould I jump too? NOt to end my short inexperienced life, but just to take a leap.

That's what people do. THey leap, with the hope that they would fly. If not, they would spend their whole life thinking; WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I MAKE THE JUMP?

How can I make The Leap? I don't even know where to land. I need a nudge. A big push. MAybe this is it. This misery. This pain. This agony. This big pile of shit that's dumped on me. It's actually a big push for me to jump.What do I want to land on?

I just want to be happy. Happy without regrets from my past. I've got too much regrets, too much for my short span of life.

Should have been a naughty girl in school. Should have told that cute boy with songkok that I liked him too. Should have held a boy's hand before 20. Should have gone out with girlfriends, being silly little schoolgirls. Should have worn short skirts and low tops that shows my cleavage..haha..Should have been more impulsive. Should have been taking care of my own heart rather than other peoples'. Shouldn't be the sensible older sister, the reliable eldest daughter. The list goes on...

Butwould I be here if I'd done what I think I should have done? Would I be here in UK, experiencing the time of my life, being hurt by the only person I'm in love with. I might not learn how to love. I still have not yet experience of being love in return.

How people can change in a flash, love can turn to nothing, not even hate...not even a care in the world. How the mind can forget. The past does not matter anymore when the present doesn't bring him happiness. Does love have to be all bed of roses? When it's not, do we just leave? and forget? There is no love for me in his heart that is worth holding on to. How I hate to remember. How I want to forget all the memories. Like it never happened at all. If only I can erase the last 4 years of my life.

THEN I'LL NEVER LEARN!

Must watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind again ( Thanks D!). Maybe I can develop the technology to erase memory selectively. How wonderful. But how wrong.
How else would I learn if not from my own stupid mistake? is there such thing as stupid mistake. A mistake is as it is. There is no clever mistake. I have to be stupid to make mistake. NO? i don't know..maybe. Of course! (i dont know how many ppl are talking in my head at the moment) Of course Ihave to be stupid in order to make mistake! If I am clever, I dont make mistake. Clever ppl survive, clever people are loved. Stupid people get played and dumped. So dont be stupid! silly girl!

Anyway, getting hurt from own mistake. That's how our heart protects us, to let us develop into a better, CLEVER human being. By getting hurt. Just like our skin (just like my sunburnt skin..oh..how lovely Monaco and Nice are..:)) it gets burnt when we touch fire. To protect us from burning to death. To tell us that's what happens when you play with fire, you get burnt. YOu'll get blisters, it get scarred. It's ugly!

Lesson: Don't play with fire. Or if you still want to play with fire, or feel the need to do it, learn to do it cleverly, so you won't get burnt. Or at least have a fore extingisher and a pack of ice or a first aid kit with you. GEDDIT!!

Just trying to make a point, not as elegantly as I hoped. Sigh...my brain is turning into mushy peas...yum...

Stupid idiot

2005-07-11T11:25:00.000+01:00

You throw me away like a piece of used gum.

My plan is to erase you out of my memory as if you have never existed.

You are an ugly smudge on my painting.

Please, just leave me alone.

Like muddy water

2005-07-10T22:56:00.000+01:00

I can't see it!

How deep is it?

Will I stand?

Or will I drown?

How will I know?

Like muddy water

It will settle one day

IT WILL SETTLE DOWN

Then you'll see the bottom

Not always as you expect it to be

But it won't be too bad

You'll be OK

You'll be fine...

Seasick

2005-07-10T22:38:00.000+01:00

The waves keep crushing my sandcastle
Why won't it stop?
Please let my castle stand

It's just another wave
Nothing personal
It's just another wave
Like the one before
It crushes another sandcastle before yours

Not just mine? Not personal?
Not the sea against me
It's the sea greeting the shore

I'll just have to keep building my castle
Until it's strong enough to stand the waves
I can't make the waves stop
I'll just have to make my castle stronger

Please let my sandcastle stand

Even just for a while

I need to rest my hand

Look up and search the sky

Is it going to rain too?

Another test to pass

To see if my sandcastle can stand

Build with love to last...

Super duper

2005-07-09T11:32:00.000+01:00

Alhamdulillah passed my exam!!! a huge burden lifted off my heavy shoulder hehe...feeling much better now, got back from Nice...a wonderful place in the sun. Overtanned, overfed, overspent..hmm...overtired..but super duper highly charged!!! Ready or not...Malaysia!!here I come!!!!!!

Need a shower. Still smelling like marinated fish..hmmmm...barbeque..yum yum

Wouldnt it be nice

2005-07-01T19:29:00.000+01:00

Wouldn't it be nice by Beach Boys

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it’s gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we’ve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn’t it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happy

Wouldn’t it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be nice'

note to self: THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!

Lesson 1

2005-07-01T18:26:00.000+01:00

Exam over. Or is it? Result is not out yet...don't be too comfortable yet, afterall I did sigh too loudly with irritation in my breaking bad news station. whatever. i need this vacation! don't care if I deserve it or not. Not really a holiday tho, elective to start, decisions to make, where to work? life or career? why does it have to be mutually exclusive? how do I know?

well, i don't. i'll just have to find out for myself. Make my own mistake rather than learning from other ppl's mistake...seemed to be doing a lot of that recently...don't know why. Must be my subconcious mind trying to tell me to grow up and stop relying on other people to make me happy.

What do I think makes me happy? Money?don't have that. A boyfriend or boyfriends?..ditto. A distinction for exam? fat chance. What should make me happy? family..got a very loving and supportive one. Friends..not a lot..but very dear and wonderful ones. Hope? definitely got that. My problem, is, I am not happy with myself..then how can I be happy with anyone else..or at all? Just realized this a few minutes ago...when I try to think back..when was the last time I am truly happy with myself?

I CAN'T REMEMBER!!

I'm happy when someone tells me I'm sweet or pretty, and I'm a good friend. Then when the phone calls stopped for a few days..my mind began to wonder. Why doesnt my friends call me? Did I say anything to offend them? Did I came across too needy? Don't they like me anymore? Why am I thinking this way? Why am I so insecure inside? Why do I keep driving people away? These are the people who actually likes me at the beginning...then somehow when I start noticing that they like me, I began trying too hard to keep them happy. A lot of things I have to learn about myself...I can't do it alone.

Someone is helping from above...HE's teaching me something about life..I can't figure out what precisely. I guess HE''ll give it in small chunks...and I'll have to put all the pieces together myself. Now, the first lesson. Am learning something, but still can't understand why does it have to be that way. I know I'll get another lesson, but I hope I'll be more prepared next time. There's nothing worse than coming to lectures without having any idea of what's it gonna be about (haha! speak for yourself!). I'm so lucky..I have my family and friends who are so wonderful and supportive. I need to figure out what this is about...before the next lesson comes!!

I wonder how will the exam be like

Is there a perfect sky?

2005-07-01T18:19:00.000+01:00

TORN
by Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can seeThe perfect sky is torn
You're a little lateI'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
Which crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't careI had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little lateI'm already torn
Torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feelI
'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
I'm Torn.

Note to self : ILLUSIONS NEVER CHANGE INTO SOMETHING REAL

Stranger in the night

2005-05-19T21:47:00.000+01:00

Something happened last night which makes me realised the importance of giving other people the benefit of a doubt. Having just been dumped(hate to use that word but it's the only way I can put it) I grew more suspicious about other people's motives towards me.
Since last week I spend my evening with KM for her company and willing ears to listen to me talk about my frustration, regrets and dissappointments. I would go to her place at about 6pm and then take the 11 pm bus to go home. Last night...
I was waiting standing at the bus stop (it was raining rather heavily), while talking to my friend on the phone. THne a 40-something old guy approached me and said something about a bus coming soon, or something like that. I was talking on the phone so I couldn't really hear what he said. I just assumed he was waiting for the bus like me. I thought he looked a bit drunk, or maybe it was my overactive imagination. After all those news about murder, attacks, kidnapping and everything, one couldn't help feeling scared and suspicious of overfriendly strangers.
I was beginning to get scared because he kept talking to me, introducing himself and kept asking if I was OK. A weird thing he said, don't worry, I'm on your side. I must have looked terrified then because after that he stood about 4 metres away from me, outside the bus shade in the rain. Even then he kept asking if I was OK, but I just turned my back on him. I almost screamed when he came up behind me and put my jacket hood over my head. I turned around and he grinned and said, cover your head, it's raining. I said I'm OK and after about 10 minutes of ignoring him and telling my friend over the phone how I thought this guy has gone cuckoo, the guy tapped on my shoulder and asked again if I was OK, and said something about worrying about me. HUH? what? I asked him if he is waiting for the bus and he said, No, I was just passing by and thought I need to look out for you because I' worried about you. It's scary to wait for the bus alone in the middle of the night, so, are you sure you're OK here by yourself? I was dumbfounded, I felt bad. What can I say to him? ermm.. I told him I 'm OK and not to worry about me because the bus is coming pretty soon. Guess what he did next?
He took my hand and kissed it, said goodnight and then he left. I didn't know what to say next. I felt bad and ashamed of myself for being too quick to judge people. Yes, I know we should be careful and on the lookout most of the time, but if we don't give the benefit of a doubt or take risk/chances on other people, we'll lose all these random acts of kindness from strangers. I wish I could meet him again (in a broad daylight of course!) to thank him properly and tell him his kindness is appreciated (not questioned!). And oh, I'll try not to go home too late in the night.

FOSIT

2005-05-17T19:20:00.000+01:00

FOSIT. Feeling Of Something In Throat. had that for 2 weeks now. horrible feeling, plus the feeling of a big hole in my heart, or is it my gut? Need to be more controlled now, he doesn't deserve this much of a mourning. Maybe.
Need to eat lunch, didnt have breakfast this morning. havent had breakfast for 2 weeks now..weird...used to be the most enjoyable meal of the day for me. Now I just dread the morning, couldnt wait for the night to come, and I'll just bury my head under the duvet,wishing tomorrow I'm still the naive, hopeful and optimistic girl that I was a few years ago. Dunno, maybe my innocence was the one that landed me into this trouble, trusting a person wholeheartedly. I took a risk, a risk that I thought I can handle if it goes wrong. Didn't think at that time how my lack of experience will fail my judgement. How do you distinguish the fine line between following your instinct or your heart? What I thought was my instinct at that time might be blinded my hope of finding 'The One' without having to go through what most people have to go through before finding the right one; HEARTBREAK.
So much more that I need to get off my chest..but so little time. Don't have time to nurse this heart, need to let it fibrose quickly, how can you heal without time? Will take care of it later, after exam. Please pray for me...I need it now more than ever.

emotional incontinence

2005-05-15T17:58:00.000+01:00

Emotional Incontinence. That's my problem..they should really put that in the ICD-10. It is a psychiatric disorder..really gets you and other people around you into trouble. This heart is full of emotions it cant contain, then I started leaking all over the place...in the library, in clinic, on the street. Then suddenly it just burst anywhere anytime and you just feel so embarrassed and stupid for being unable to control your own emotions. I miss him.

cactus love

2005-05-15T13:40:00.000+01:00

what does it mean when you get a cactus on a valentine's day? hmm..the relationship will be painful and unromantic, but it will last forever? will it? even cactus wont last forever if you dont water it for the whole year! cactus will survive a long time without water... ppl take it for granted, it's still a living plant, it needs water. ppl can be patient and tolerant to stay in a relationship, but without love the relationship will die. how can you survive on false pretend love? it was painful. painful when you give all your loyalty and committment, and above all your trust to someone you really love, and get betrayal and lies in return. how can people be so deceitful, desperate enough to lie to themselves, maybe to get a temporary companion(like a pet maybe) for a lonely journey of being a student. once he gets to the point where the pet doesnt give him more excitement, or started to demand something more from him like better food and more cuddles.. exasperation takes place. he doesnt need it anymore...its too demanding...not worth his time and energy..he just doesnt love it enough..doesnt love it anymore...never had. lied to himself all these years that he loves it, so he can keep it, so it wont run away and he'll lost all the good things that he gets from the pet. he likes it when it fetches his paper every morning without fail, lick his feet when he's tired, it will cry with him when he's sad, do everything for him because the pet loves him to bits. by the way, there are more pets in the streets that he can pick up and play with and dump it again if it gets annoying.
someone said to me once,if you want to see how your relationship will be...just remember your first movie you have watched together. mine (with him) is "From Hell".
need to study!!exam is coming!stop thinking about it!! someone pls dunk my head in the toiletbowl and slap me!! btw, the pet still loves him. cactus died despite thousands of attempts to revive it. whats a girl to do?